Shifting the dialogue: stories from the field
I’m pretty good at telling you what I think, but wouldn’t it be nice to hear what real people experience trying to change how they show up at work…?
About a month ago, I wrote a post about the importance of the quality of the dialogue in any organisation
TLDR: it’s how well people are able to hold meaningful dialogue that dictates the outcomes for a business — the quality of organisational life and the quality of the decisions made.
But, it’s very easy for me to spout on about what I think. What is it actually like out there trying to make a shift towards better dialogue in a busy, often stressful working environment?
Funny you should ask. Four people that I work with were kind enough to share their experiences.
I’m publishing this in the hope it gives others a little more confidence and clarity about their ability to make change (and the change they’re already making but maybe find hard to recognise).
The stories are told from one of the eight shifts I outlined in the earlier post.
Listening to understand vs waiting to respond
Tim Lloyd, Director, Helpful Technology
The project brief read like something of a challenge: ‘we’re looking for a digital agency to take our work to the next level. You’ll review what we’ve done, help us celebrate success and identify areas where we can be even better.’
These words, coupled with some assumptions based on the organisation’s existing activity (which I spent all of 5 minutes researching) meant I had all but written them off as an arrogant outfit, straight away.
Of course, we’d still pitch for the work. It’d be great to go in there and tell them all the things they are doing wrong. Put them in their place a bit.
But then the first meeting came. I’d had a chance to reflect a little beforehand, and separate my first impressions from the facts of what I saw and heard. Friendly, eager people who had at least identified the help they wanted. As the conversation got underway I asked some questions about their individual roles within the organisation and set myself a challenge: to really, really understand what they said, and what they do. Not just to smile nicely and pretend I’m interested, while anticipating the moment at which I could wow them with my ideas.
As I listened I felt my assumptions, which I had still been carrying with me, fade away. And the client revealed an enthusiastic but challenging work environment. I felt I understood why they were finding change so hard, not just confirming my own assumptions. And I certainly understood a lot more about the individuals in front of me, than I had 10 minutes before.
The flip-side to this is that when I’d finished listening, much of the response I had planned was no longer useful, to them or I.
I panicked for a moment, but decided honesty was the best policy.
I asked a few more questions based on what I’d heard, and some things I still didn’t understand. Then, I reflected back to them on what I heard and explained how this was different to what I had assumed. I said that I’d like to change my proposal to suit.
There was an awkward pause, followed by some questions about how the proposal would change, and then general agreement that this could be a good opportunity. We won the work and our willingness to listen and adapt was cited as one reason.
Slowing down vs racing to the finish
Business Transformation Manager, leading commercial law firm
I was excited to be working with a group of lovely, smart and engaged lawyers.
We were going to work together to come up with a solution to help clients better understand and navigate complex litigation matters.
I had recently started working at the firm and had the grand (but vague!) title of Business Transformation Manager.
I felt the pressure to transform! To work in a new and dynamic way. Be more agile, create a process where we were creating something each week.
To keep the momentum going and to accommodate busy lawyer schedules we decided on weekly 45 minute sessions
To start with this worked well, we were mapping client journeys, understanding what resources we had, identifying gaps for improvement.
But I became so focused on creating progress and producing things that I suddenly got lost. I lost sight of the true problem we were trying to solve and who we were solving it for.
It had become about me delivering results and not helping unsure, stressed and overwhelmed clients going through litigation.
By getting lost I also lost momentum.
Next week I am going to pick the project up again with the wonderful group of lawyers.
I am going to slow down the process and slow down the conversation.
Create the space to uncover the perspectives of the people who matter.
I am going to ask more questions.
Rather than feel the need to be the ‘expert’ with the answers I want to create the conditions for true dialogue — not to-do lists.
Hopefully this will get us back on track and allow us to deliver much better results for our clients.
Listening to understand vs waiting to respond
Carlos Saba, Co-Founder, Happy Startup School
For a long time I was addicted to giving useful and straight-forward advice.
Whether I was talking to clients, friends or even my wife, as soon as I knew (or thought I knew) what they wanted to hear I’d be impatient to say something.
I’d be so preoccupied with trying to remember my piece of killer advice that anything else they said to me would have been ignored. Not great. Particularly in a marital relationship.
I’ve only recently started to change my approach. The main catalyst for this change was discovering NVC.
Not only did I learn a whole new vocabulary for describing my emotions (and needs) it also taught me the power of empathic listening.
I found that by truly listening and trying to understand what the person is trying to communicate (rather than what they are saying) my conversations have not only become more efficient but also more meaningful.
I also have an even better relationship with my wife too!
Waiting to have your say isn’t respectful if you haven’t actually heard what the other person said.
Slowing down vs racing to the finish
Team Leader, Global Technology Business
This is something I find really challenging.
I get an idea and I just want to get going with it, but I know that’s not the way to get to the best outcome.
But the thing I find really frustrating isn’t the idea of listening to a range of people, but when those people take longer to organise their thoughts than I do - or they don’t come prepared to a meeting, and you leave without reaching any concrete conclusions or next steps.
I see this dynamic playing out in my team; more confident and assertive people drawing quick conclusions and quieter people not getting heard.
I want to encourage everyone to voice their thoughts, especially right now, when we’re working on a new team strategy and I need collective input on that.
Then I went through some management training on diversity of personality.
It was helpful to me in understanding more about what motivates me and what I need from work, but the thing that really opened my eyes was an appreciation of how others work and how different their needs are from mine. It made it really clear that what they need to be able to work well is very different to what I need.
This might sound obvious but until it was only when I could see the stark contrast, that something really clicked.
I decided to run this session with the rest of my team, and found that being mindful of their differences has already encouraged a more open dialogue in group meetings. The more lively and directive of the group being mindful to step back and allow the more reflective and group-minded people to speak up.
I think having their thought processes validated through the exercise (I’m not wrong, or timid — I’m just different) helped everyone to be more open and confident in their interactions and is leading to better discussion.
So we’re not racing to the finish but we’re moving forward collaboratively.
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I’m massively grateful to these four people for taking the time to think through and share their experiences.
Working with people who are committed to their learning and growth, in service of their team and work, is a real joy, and the reason I do the work that I do.
If you want help shifting the dialogue in your team or organisation through coaching, facilitation or communication training, get in touch with me via max@beingwildthings.com
