Gila Monsters
Gila Monsters are unusual and beautiful lizards. They are larger and thicker than most lizards. They have thick beaded skin, black and mottled with orange. They move slowly and sluggishly with occasional surprising bursts of speed and agility. Each of the feet has five long slender toes with long claws, resembling a hand with fingers. Their skull is low, wide, and flat like a serpent’s. They have a long, dark-colored forked tongue that exits their mouth regularly.
Gila Monsters are one of two species of venomous lizard currently living on the planet. The other species of poisonous lizard, the beaded lizard, lives in Mexico and Central America. The Gila Monster and the beaded lizard are cousins, the only living members of the family Heloderma. It is a family of reptiles which branched away from Monitor Lizards 70 million years ago, which is slightly before the extinction of the dinosaurs.
Gila Monsters occupy roughly the same habitat as Gambel’s quail. The range extends into northern Mexico, most of Arizona, parts of southern Utah, some of New Mexico, and a corner of Nevada. There are rumors of Gila Monsters in California, but there have only been three confirmed sightings over many decades, and all three sightings were confined to one county. There are the occasional sightings of a rogue pet on the escape. Although why anyone would choose to keep a venomous reptile as a pet is beyond me.
Gila Monsters do not need to drink. They can generate all the moisture their bodies need from their prey. This is amazing because a Gila Monster may eat only two or three times a year. These are the advantages of having a cold-blooded, low metabolism. Gila Monsters spend as much as 90% of their lives just chilling underground in their burrows, not burning up any energy. When they are above ground, Gila Monsters are usually hunting for food. They follow their tongues as they flicker in and out of their mouths. Their tongues have scent glands for detecting prey.
Gila Monsters eat rats, mice, birds, bird eggs, and tortoise eggs and have even been documented devouring newborn antelope. Naturalists have observed epic battles between Gila Monsters and mother tortoises defending their egg-laden burrows.
The long fingers and long claws of the Gila Monster make it an excellent digger. Gila Monsters can dig deep inside a rodent nest to devour the young. They also dig burrows to reside inside. Those long claws also make Gila Monsters good tree climbers. This is a necessary talent if a big chunk of your diet consists of bird eggs. Gila Monsters descend tree trunks headfirst like squirrels.
For a creature that does not need to drink, Gila Monsters are surprisingly good swimmers. Gila Monsters are persistent swimmers. They flail their legs, but the reptiles propel themselves mostly by writhing their torso from side to side. Many a man who has tried to drown a Gila Monster so he could harvest the skin without damaging the hide has declared the beast nearly impossible to drown. While swimming Gila Monsters can inhale deeply without needing to exhale and can make themselves extremely buoyant. When Painted Rock Dam Reservoir outside Gila Bend, Arizona, began to fill in 1974, zoologists gathered hundreds of snakes and numerous Gila Monsters swimming towards the receding shoreline. The Gila Monsters sucked in their breath and held it. Incredibly buoyant, they paddled slowly, safely, and steadily toward shore.
The monster part of the Gila Monster name comes from their association with venom. The first Spanish and American colonists to reach the region were fascinated by the poisonous lizards. They believed even the breath of the Gila Monster was dangerous and could cause a man to pass out or even die. This is not true.
Gila Monsters are venomous but must bite you. Verifiable accounts of human deaths are rare. Oftentimes there are complicating factors such as the victim’s health or cases where the cure was worse than the disease. Gila Monsters are famous for their tenacious grip when they bite. According to folklore, a biting Gila Monster will not let go until sundown or thunder. This would be a problem if you were bitten early in the morning on a hot sunny day.
Another favorite Gila Monster myth is about someone who buys eggs harvested in the wild. Assuming they are purchasing bird eggs, the unlucky victim cooks up breakfast and eats scrambled Gila Monster eggs. Later, the victim is found petrified into stone.
Once the railroad came through southern Arizona, it seems the men manning the depots in the middle of the desert often had steady side incomes harvesting Gila Monsters — dead or alive. As the American southwest became marketed as a tourist destination, Gila Monsters became popular curios, sold as hides, stuffed, or even alive. Every day the railroad workers would take their lunch and toss their bacon off the edge of the porch. The Gila Monsters would arrive to snack on the bacon. When a Gila Monster buyer would arrive, the railroad workers would toss their bacon off the porch and capture the Gila Monsters to sell them.
Judging by the accounts of railroad workers and other desert rats, it appears that Gila Monster populations have decreased. No one knows for certain because no zoologist has figured out an accurate way to conduct a Gila Monster census. It is hard to measure the population of a creature who spends so much of its time in its burrow.
Gila Monsters are the largest lizards or Saurians in North America. The largest Gila Monster ever measured came to 22 and ½ inches. A different Gila Monster set the record for most obese at 4 and ¾ pounds.
In 1883 the Arizona Sentinel newspaper based out of Yuma, Arizona, reported ‘…A few years ago…we will not attempt to say how many — Mr. Dan Conner and a man named Pilgrim were prospecting in the Castle Dome Mountains and captured a Gila Monster of prodigious size. Securing it with small cords they returned to camp for larger ropes with which to safely bind and transport their catch. When they returned to where they had left the monster, they could no trace of him. According to their story, it weighed three hundred pounds. Mr. Pilgrim has long since passed to that land from which no affidavits return, but Mr. Conner still ornaments the footstool in the capacity of engineer for the C.S.N. Co., and he stands pledged to knock down any man on sight who mentions the subject to him…”
The Arizona Citizen newspaper based out of Tucson challenged the veracity of the rival newspaper’s account of the giant Gila Monster. The Sentinel was offended, and a brief but bitter newspaper war was begun.
Myself, I believe in the giant Gila Monster of the Castle Dome Mountains. I intend to go out on an expedition and find him. I don’t think a three-hundred-pound Gila Monster would have any problem surviving for another hundred and forty years. I reckon it might be closer to four hundred pounds by now. Like I said, I intend to find that legendary Gila Monster somewhere in the Castle Dome Mountains, but first I am waiting for my custom-built saddle.
