Are my feelings for my therapist normal? Yes, Here’s what you can do.
If you have been in therapy perhaps you have had the opportunity to develop feelings towards your therapist (anger, happiness, admiration, and even romantic feelings). This is completely normal. We are experiencing human interactions when we are in therapy, it is common and normal for patients to feel something during this time. You are building a new relationship and you are trying to understand how to interact with the human in front of you who perhaps knows your deepest secrets, your deepest pain and so many things about you that not even your close ones know.
I am a couple, family, and individual psychotherapist. Additionally, I have been in therapy myself for over 10 years. I have had the privilege to be sitting on both sides of the therapy room; as a patient and as a therapist. Over the years I have learned a lot of things as a patient and as a therapist. During my process, I have felt a lot of things for my therapist. I remember a specific time where I started showing risky behaviors. It was around my 20’s, naturally, I told her most of the things I did and on one particular session she called me out, she started asking questions and challenging my thoughts and my rationalizations. I remember I felt angry and disconnected, I thought to myself “isn’t she supposed to be on my side?” Deep down I knew she was right to call me out, it is our job as therapists to validate risky behaviors, harm, or dysfunctional patterns. It is our job to call them out, understand their purpose. This is tricky because we risk the therapeutic alliance (how much the patient trusts us and how we relate to them). The alliance is crucial in a therapeutic process, we need our patients to trust us and they need to feel safe enough to accept influence, to believe that we are helping them, that they can count on us.
Today, the feeling that dominates in me for my therapist is gratitude. Without her, I am sure that I would not be here today. I wouldn’t have the level of awareness and the skills I have as a therapist or as a woman, daughter, and friend…
What to do with the feelings for my therapist?
At times I also have felt disconnected from my therapist, I felt like I needed a break from therapy and needed space. After a couple of months, I went back. Again, this is normal. There might be a moment where you feel stuck like you’re not achieving anything or talking about important things. My suggestion is to talk about it with your therapist and try to figure out what this experience is reflecting. Most times what we feel towards our therapists are projections; these are things we feel internally towards ourselves or others and we place them in someone else, this way it’s easier for us to hold those feelings. I have also felt like I couldn’t do it on my own without the support of my therapist. In this case, what we worked on was practicing what I learned during my sessions. She was also a secure attachment figure (people with whom we connect and go to in times of need) for me, and we started working on relying on myself, building up the ability to accept and navigate my emotions.
The relationship with your therapist will shift, it will transform as you evolve, and as you grow internally. The key here is to understand the process, to communicate, and reflect on how this has an impact on you. And most importantly, talk to your therapist about how you’re feeling, I guarantee that it’s better to talk about it than ignoring it. We also don’t read minds and we want to know how you’re feeling.
Therapists are humans — we feel
This might not be new to you, you already know that your therapist is human, a person, someone who feels. Sometimes we forget, we place therapists in high standards and we have unrealistic expectations. We think that they don’t struggle or feel pain, anger, or sadness. We do feel them. It is not your job to take care of us, this is just a reminder for you to see us as humans and to trust that we know how feelings and emotions feel.
We too are complex individuals; we too struggle and experience life in different ways. Avoid assuming how your therapist feels or is, instead, ask and have a conversation with them. It can be incredibly rewarding to just express what you’re feeling. Most therapists will ask how the image that you have of them informs how you present to the sessions and that’s exactly what we (as therapists) need to do; explore and help you better understand yourself.
If you are a therapist remember that it’s normal for you to feel and to express those feelings (in an appropriate setting). Avoid becoming the center of the session with your patients. If you are struggling with a patient seek supervision, seek therapy, practice self-care, and reflect on that experience. I know that it’s your job to contain, to hold those feelings, and to help — it’s also your job to take care of yourself and to navigate your own emotions throughout the sessions. Remember that you are human too.
Remember that you are not alone during difficult times. If you want to schedule a free consultation with a therapist you can visit https://trywillowtherapy.com/.
