To be a Better Negotiator Become a Better Listener

Featured Columnist: Lee E. Miller

When Claire Irving was managing director of Kroll Investigations, one of the largest private investigating firms in the world, she was given the unenviable task of trying to collect $4 million in unpaid bills, many of them outstanding for several years. Yet she was able to collect almost all of the money owed to the firm.

How did she do it? By asking the questions and listening to the answers. She called each client with outstanding bills to determine why they had not paid. By listening to the customers’ concerns and letting them know that someone at the firm cared, in almost every instance she was able to get the client to pay. Once she understood why the client hadn’t paid, all she had to do was resolve their issue. Generally the problem was minor and easy to correct, but no one at the firm had previously bothered to ask them.

Some people think that to be a good negotiator you need to be tough. Yelling, banging tables, and slamming doors however, are definitely not the best way to get what you want when negotiating. Try listening instead. In order to get someone to see things your way, determine what motivates them. Take time and make the effort to understand what we call the U Perspective- how someone sees a situation and what is important to them. People will always tell you what they care about if you are willing to listen. To persuade, first you have to listen.

Here are a few listening tips that will make you a more effective negotiator.

Ask a lot of questions: Most people love to talk. Foster that instinct. Ask open ended questions that begin with “who,” “what,” “where,” “when,” “why’” and “how.” This will encourage people to share with you what they are thinking.

Listen more than you speak: The less you speak the more information you will gather. Allow for pauses. Ask a question. When the person responds, just sit back and look at them. Don’t say a word. Within a few seconds, they will provide you with additional information. People abhor a vacuum. They will tell you more if you learn to use silence to your advantage.

Make people feel comfortable: Put them at ease. Select a casual, comfortable environment when possible. If food is going to be served, find out what the people that you are meeting with like and what they dislike. Create a sense of belonging.

Stay focused: Concentrate completely on the other person. Notice not only what they say but also what they do. In addition to picking up valuable information you will also convey a sense that you care about what they are saying.

Demonstrate interest in them: The most important part of being a good listener is caring about what the other person is saying. People can tell when you are sincere and when you are not. By showing an interest in understanding how someone else sees things, they will be more open with you about their needs and concerns, increasing the likelihood of reaching a mutually favorable agreement.

The toughest deals to negotiate are not necessarily the large-dollar, complex transactions but rather the ones that in hindsight seem fairly simple. That is why the U Perspective concept is so powerful. Take, for example, the situation of a fast food chain which wanted to hire a certain entertainer to do a promotion for them. Despite their offering him a significant sum of money, he initially declined their offer.

When trying to determine his U Perspective, they found out that he had grown up poor and had spent a lot of time cultivating a certain image. That image was important to him and being a pitchman for a fast food company was definitely not consistent with the image he wanted to project.

Once the company understood his U Perspective, getting him to agree to do the promotion was easy. They simply offered to donate a certain percentage of the profits from every sale to his favorite charity and promote it as well. That way, he no longer felt that he was working for the fast food chain but rather for his favorite charity. That, of course, was totally consistent with the image he sought to project. Had they not taken the time to determine his motivation, he would never have agreed to, what turned out to be, a very successful marketing campaign.

Many people think that the primary goal of a good negotiator is to get what they want. But actually negotiating is about enabling all parties to get what they want or, at least what they need. To determine if a negotiation is truly successful, what matters is not only how much you get out of the deal, but that both parties walk away happy with the outcome.

Lee E. Miller is a senior faculty member at the Negotiation Institute and an adjunct professor at Columbia University and Seton Hall University’s School of Management where he specializes in the field of influencing and negotiating. Formerly Lee was the Senior Vice President at TV Guide, USA Networks and Barney’s New York. Among the books he has authored are UP: Influence Power and the U Perspective — The Art of Getting What You Want and A Woman’s Guide To Successful Negotiating (co- authored with his daughter Jessica, a commercial real estate broker.) Lee will be a featured speaker at the Women’s Insights on The Art of Negotiation, WIN, Summit, sponsored by the Negotiation Institute on May 17–18, 2017.

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