When you dress to impress, make sure your dress will impress someone other than you
Clothes Make the Man
I ❤️ valentines
No one could rival Theodore’s collection of t-shirts. They crowded his closet, stuffed his drawers, and even tumbled over the rim of his laundry basket. An English major with a flair for language, he expressed his soul in ink on fabric. “I’m with stupid” when he visited family, “Jesus shaves” when they dragged him to church, “I heart bacon,” when he partied with vegans, “I was abducted by aliens and all I got was this stupid shirt,” at cons, “Make America Grate Again” over a block of cheese for his Republican friends.
And tonight he had his first date with Anne, set up by his roommate’s girlfriend so he wouldn’t horn in on their Valentine’s plans. Who cared about their motive? Anne was hotter than chipotle wrapped in jalapeño and doused in Tabasco. With her oversized glasses, double oversized boobs and micro-skirts, she could’ve played any naughty librarian in internet porn and he planned to keep his finger on fast forward until the money shot.
Anne was hotter than chipotle wrapped in jalapeño and doused in Tabasco.
Theodore knew exactly which t-shirt to wear — one that would paint him as erudite with a sense of humor, a man of wit and letters. It was the only shirt he kept in a protective plastic suit bag, the shirt he’d named, “The Theodore.” Red with the image of an open book and an extra-extra long pen. In a circle around the image were the words, “Readers make novel lovers.”
He arrived at the restaurant with carnations and a hundred dollars in his wallet. He intended to spend it all and finish the evening with February fireworks. Anne sat by the window, braless in a t-shirt so tight it drew his eyes to her breasts before he could say hello. Breasts upon which were printed the words, “Only morons wear slogan shirts to impress their dates.”
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Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus, and the children’s book parody Furious George. Follow him at Phillip T Stephens.
