No matter how well you write the directions, they’ll be lost on people who never bother to read
Fumble Before the Coin Toss
Small Tales
The Hicksville High Hornets were 1 and 2 as they prepared for league play, with their quarterback Jeb Steed finally returning after a helmetless head-on collision with the metal side of a blocking sled. His elusive speed and laser accurate throwing arm promised to shred opposing defenses like sharpened shears on satin.
The only obstacle between the Hornets and a Class 1A division championship was a silly rule. A rule called “No Pass No Play.” Which in most schools wouldn’t have been a problem, but Hicksville High’s math teacher Mrs. Sneed hadn’t let a player’s grades slide since Coach Sneed left her for Connie Kameltow, the captain of the cheerleading squad in 1997 — the summer after she graduated and turned 18.
(The marriage scandalized the town until Connie won Miss Hicksville, Miss Persimmon County, and was a finalist at the regional qualifiers for Miss Texas. And the scandal became moot when Connie landed a spot with the Dallas Cowboys Cheerleaders and left Sneed for reserve tight end Buster Bahls.)
The only obstacle between the Hornets and a Class 1A division championship was a silly rule. A rule called “No Pass No Play.” Hicksville High’s math teacher Mrs. Sneed hadn’t let a player’s grades slide since Coach Sneed left her a cheerleader in 1997
No school official could appeal to Mrs. Sneed’s school spirit, and no one dared replace Coach Sneed since he’d delivered the only championships in school history. (District Champs in 1995, 1996, 2003, and 2007. Regional Champs in 2007, with a quarterfinal finish.) Not to mention the fact that two dozen of his players had earned scholarships to San Jose Junior College, where Sneed’s brother was Dean of Athletics.
But the championship drought that began in 2007 had worn away the football boosters’ patience, and there was talk of “new blood” at the helm. So Sneed had no choice but to coach his team for the math test too. And since Sneed was no better at math than his team, his coaching included a map to his ex-wife’s house, her address and directions to her home office. Which he might — on second thought — have realized was an ill-conceived game plan since he abandoned play charts last season when he realized his quarterback couldn’t even follow “down the hall, to the left and into the door marked ‘Gents.’” Didn’t matter if the directions were handwritten, or printed bold and all caps in 240 point type.
(In Sneed’s defense, that was last season, and the Hornets still went 6–4 despite limiting play calls to run left, run straight, run right, and pass to whoever’s open. )
His quarterback couldn’t decipher “down the hall, to the left and into the door marked ‘Gents.’” Didn’t matter if the words were handwritten, or printed bold and all caps in 240 point type.
Which should have prepared him for the phone call from his players at three in the morning, asking for bail after police arrested them in a house five blocks down from Mrs. Sneed’s. Arrested them in the house where they’d surprised the drama teacher and debate coach in her bedroom, which was at the end of the hall where Mrs. Sneed’s home office would have been had they broken into 823 Dovetail Lane instead of 328.
Only after the arrest did counselors realize Steed couldn’t follow the coach’s charts because he was dyslexic, a problem that won’t handicap him during his two-year stay with the Texas Corrections System. A stay six more teammates will serve with him. Fortunately for Sneed, his backup quarterback wasn’t dyslexic. Unfortunately, his longest complete pass was for a two-yard loss, and the other teams sacked him a record 47 times as well. The Hornets lost their last seven games for the first time in school history.
So much for job security.
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Wry noir author Phillip T. Stephens wrote Cigerets, Guns & Beer, Raising Hell, the Indie Book Award winning Seeing Jesus, and the children’s book parody Furious George. Follow him at Phillip T Stephens.
