I’ll Never Be Your Mr. Beast of Burden: Portrait of a Zinfandel

Go to a fancy restaurant. Order the chocolate torte. Mash the customary raspberry garnish into the torte with your fork. Acquire an old specimen of parchment. Roll it into a tube. Order an espresso. Dip the parchment into the espresso and drizzle on the former torte. Now take a bite. Exquisite, right? But did you know, you could achieve the same effect by simply ordering a glass of the Barber Cellars 2014 Sonoma Mountain Zinfandel? Yes, sometimes life is that easy.

Affectionately dubbed “Mr. Beast,” this is a $28 go-to for those who want more curve than brawn in their Zin. It features coy fruit — bright and demure, and suggests those sexist 80s movies when the hunk removes the eyeglasses of the heretofore invisible heroine librarian to reveal Aphrodite. The grapes are hand-picked and hand-sorted from the Topolos Vineyard, a 5-and-quarter acre field blend of 92% Zin, 8% Petite Sirah and 2% Alicante Bouschet — a varietal which is a cross of Petit Bouschet and Grenache, but really should just be the name of our bespectacled movie heroine.

Say it out loud: Ah-leh-cant Boo-Shay.

The wood (20% new French and American oak) is like the handle of a steak knife — handsome but not sharp — like our movie hunk, who, perhaps is Mr. Beast himself. Actually, Mr. Beast is the winemaker’s cat — but a girl can dream can’t she?

Takeaways: 2014 Barber Cellars Mr. Beast Zinfandel, Sonoma Mountain

Sacrifice a lamb to it. This wine demands food and a roasted Ovis aries is what it wants!

Visit the Barber Cellars tasting room, 112 Washington St, Petaluma, CA, in the base of the historic Petaluma Hotel.