Step-Children and Dating
How to Deal with Step-Children and Dating
I was a step-mom so I can speak to this one … maybe even more so since my ex-husband’s kids lived with us full time.
Later, I was with a guy who had a daughter who lived with us part time.
Let’s note right from the get-go that I sucked as a step-mom.
My ex-husband is 16 years older than I am, and his youngest only 10 years younger than me.
At the time we got together, I was only 23 years old and hadn’t experienced life with children — like nieces or nephews or friends with wee ones.
Good news for you! Learn from my errors.
When should you mention that you have children?
Right away. It’s important.
If someone doesn’t want kids or step-kids, you don’t want them! Wrong match. Next.
If your kids are grown and gone, it probably won’t be an issue. If they’re still at home or at home part-time, it could be an issue.
Kids are a non-negotiable.
If your own kids don’t matter enough for you to mention them right away, when the potential partner eventually finds out you have kids, they’ll question your values and your integrity.
Filter unsuitable candidates by being upfront about your parenthood status STAT.
Note: Don’t be a douchebag by not making your kids a priority. You had them, so step up. I don’t have kids or want kids or even really like kids — they’re noisy, needy little beings — but I unapologetically state that they are the innocent bystanders in your life choices. Choose wisely.
Note 2: It’s OK if you don’t like or want kids or you don’t want to be a step-parent. To each their own. Fess up first hand; don’t lead someone on hoping that you’ll change your mind. Bad dog.
OK, so let’s say you are open to step-parenting: How do you negotiate and navigate a relationship with someone who has kids (whether or not you have your own)?
How to Deal with Step-Children and Dating:
- Most parents will put their kids first, at least while they’re still at home, and this is not only acceptable, it’s commendable. Be prepared to come second to the needs of dependents.
- If you can step up to step-parenting, know that it’s not over when the kids finally move out. Kids are forever. But the dynamic of the parent-kid relationship does (or should) change when your partner’s offspring set off on their own.
- No matter how logical you think your knowledge of “parenting” is, your input will be received with trepidation or outright rejection. Parents are irrationally unreasonable when it comes to receiving parenting advice. (Every parent reading that last statement who was offended nails my point.)
- Get used to meeting your own needs and to plans changing unexpectedly. Often. Step-parenting is not for the faint of heart or the self-centred. Try meditating. You gonna need it.
- Depending on the age of the kids, you may experience resistance or rejection from them, possibly for a very, very long time. You’re the adult. Hang in there. Be a team with your partner and work to find solutions together to get through the shitty bits. There will be shitty bits.
Most important: Don’t try to be a step-parent. Just be your best you. No one wants you to take the place of the missing parent — not the kids, not your partner — so that should ease the pressure.
Side note: Though I was way too young to be a step-parent to an unruly teenager, not only did I come to love my ex-husband’s daughter, but it also broke my heart doubly when my marriage dissolved and my relationship with her did, too. (He was upset with me; she was loyal to him.)
This double loss is a definite consideration when dating someone with kids. You have no rights or irrefutable access if things don’t work out. I’m OK now, thanks.
Step-Children #JustTheTip Takeaway:
1. Step-children are forever — or until the relationship ends.
Any questions?
xo AJ
Are you a step-parent or the partner of a step-parent or a step-child? Any tips or pointers you can provide for our childless readers? Comment!
Originally published on wingmam.com. Click here to subscribe to men’s blog and here to subscribe to women’s blog.
If you enjoyed this post, please clap clap clap and share!
