The Hollow
Our world consists of numerous elements — trees, felines, mountains, rivers… Beside the Earth, the universe is even more magnificent — stars, galaxies, nebulae, and emptiness. So vast is the world and the universe comparing to me. I am merely a grain of sand. I do not have recollection when I had this feeling of insignificant, but it has haunted me for years. During this period, I am always thinking — why do I exist. Existence for me is suffering, but many people seem to enjoy it. I do not understand. Humans are puny, yet we strive for a better life and knowledge, and we cooperate for the betterment. But from a different perspective, these are all just flow of entropy.
Such meaningless strikes me until I lost passion of what I love and motivation of becoming greater, thus making me empty. And what is a thing without purpose and determination? Even waking up is hard. I have to be sober from the tiredness, dress up, take all the stuff I need, and open the door to leave. I am already deterred when thinking about this. While my body is already a walking flesh, my mind is also trapped. When I fail at school works, I feel stress all day about why am I not good enough. At night I feel stress even more that cause me to lose sleep. And then I feel stress from not getting enough sleep. These feelings aggregate in a perpetual vicious circle. As I fell into a pit and the only way to get out is to dig. Sometimes I ponder what if I never born in the beginning? The world born from void and destined to vanish in the void. And I one day will die. What is the difference of dying now and dying later? Even though I have thought, I never tried. I do not have the courage to do so. I have my parents who are expecting me. A untimely death would wound their heart.
I have to live on. I went to see a doctor. He gives me a kind of medicine to cure the disease. It was all along a disease. I felt relived at that moment. Knowing that I can regain the passion and interest is the happiest thing since I had depression. One time I joined a seven-days volunteer service. It was at Mexicali, the boarder of Mexico. I enjoyed providing service with my friends. At night, we sat around by our tents. I raised my head and gazed at the star, realizing how beautiful the universe is.
