How to Grow Up as A Jew In Modern America

img. credit: Deborah Kass
  1. Know that only everything bagels count as bagels, and that cream cheese is “shmear.”
  2. Explain to your mother that it’s not cold enough to bring a jacket out.
  3. Ignore the high schoolers who yell, “Come over here, jewboy.” on your way to synagogue.
  4. Know that community is everything; that’s why you’re helping to scrub the giant swastika someone spray painted across your synagogue instead of playing in the hallway with the other kids while the grown-ups pray.
  5. Explain to your non-Jewish friend that no, you do not personally know Adam Sandler.
  6. Ignore Adam Sandler entirely, along with Bernie Madoff and Woody Allen.
  7. Know every Seinfeld episode by heart.
  8. Explain to the man yelling at you about Israel because he saw your yarmulke that, believe it or not, Netanyahu doesn’t ask every Jew in the world before he decides to build another settlement.
  9. Ignore 4chan. While you’re at it, ignore reddit too.
  10. Know that despite the way it looks and smells, gefilte fish is actually delicious.
  11. Explain to the woman asking if you’ve been saved by Jesus that you’ve already saved 15% or more on car insurance and you’re not interested.
  12. Ignore her when she then tells you that Christ-killers are damned to hell.
  13. Know that you do not owe an
  14. Explanation to anyone for your identity, and that
  15. Ignorance breeds intolerance.
  16. Say a L’chaim. To life!