Football Fans & Rainbow Bridges
Football Fantasies
Fantasy footballteam owners across the globe are frantically scouring the waiver wire for free agents and setting their line-ups with hopes of being the biggest blow hard in their league. Fantasy football is kind of like video games. It’s intense, emotional, anger-provoking and totally pointless. Naturally, my arrogant self will be partaking in faux-football festivities. Myteam is set up and ready for maximum scoring points this week. Did I mention I have no clue what I’m doing?
Growing up
My enthusiastic football fan of a dad was blessed with not only 1 but 2 un-sporty daughters and zero sons. He really, REALLY got the shit-stick when it comes to relatable offspring. No chips off the old block, just sugar spice and everything nice.
Don’t get me wrong, growing up I knew what football was, I knew that there were important teams; my dad’s team was the Miami Dolphins. In fact, I vividly remember how annoyingly LOUD he was when the Dolphins played as I was trying to fall asleep at night. Why all of the yelling at the tv?!? I will NEVER understand.
My dad never really showed outward excitement about the “big game” because he had no one to share it with. The poor man was holed up solo for years watching Thanksgiving games, Christmas games, the play-offs and even the Super Bowl all by his lonesome. Poor guy.
What’s love got to do with it?
So apparently football isa pretty big deal. Imagine my surprise when I got married and football occupied my TV on Thursdays, Sundays, Mondays and sometimes Saturdays. Don’t even get me started on NFL Network, ESPN, highlights, low-lights, sunlights, funlights, limelights and spotlights. Are you sensing that I am a little sour about football?
Historically, my Sundays were largely spent performing single parent duties in a two-parent household. My Sunday was full of cleaning, laundry, arts and crafts, crying, cooking, breaking up fighting children and more crying (not me, the kids). My husband on the other hand, after morning chores and mowing the lawn, had a full 8 hour “break”. Butt on the couch, beer in hand, watching the games. Where was my day off?!?!? Yeah, I got a little bitter.
But I’m over it now that the kids are older. On Sundays instead of breaking up fights and wiping away tears (ok I admit it, some tears were my own)… I also sit upon my bum like a lazy sloth. Watching the other tv of course, the one WITHOUT football on.
Fantastic and fictional
CAUTION: WHAT YOU READ IS MADE UP. IT DOES NOT REFLECT THE VIEWS OF THE WRITER. IT IS A MEASURE TO GET A RISE OUT OF TESTOSTERONE-FILLED FOOTBALL FANS. IF YOU ARE EASILY OFFENDED STOP READING HERE.
Hold your fries…
I have spent the past decade+ taunting family and friends with a completely fictional, made up story about the history of football. I share it with anyone who will listen and I am met with hasty resistance by those who have not heard it and an eye rolling “here we goagain” by those who have. Here goes:
Tight ends, wide receivers, defensive ends, offensive positions, defensive positions….yep…
Football was invented by gay men.
Think about it
What straight man was hanging out with his friends one afternoon and said, “Hey Dick, I am going to bend over and I want you to reach between my legs, right up against my nads and catch this ball, ok?” Furthermore who made up the names of the players’ positions?
According to my research, a tight endis “an offense hybrid position that is…an eligible receiver…referred to as a…”
“Slot Receiver” ← — SERIOUSLY?!?
Surely this can’t be true, right? Ducksters.com further elaborates about the duties of tight ends: “They often help block…the O-line…tight ends need to be big, strong, fast, and have good hands.” O-lines? Like, as in a line of orgasms? Big? What needs to be big? Fast with good hands? What for?
Shall I further elaborate?
“Wide Receivers: These football players line up….usually far away from…the ball”. These players main job is to get open and catch…”
Lets break this down for the layman who doesn’t know a thing about football nor what a wide receiver does, shall we?
In a male dominated sport, said football player lines up awayfrom the ball(s) and then they have to get open and catch? Open what? And I need further clarification on “catch”. Is it a reference to bend over and catch? Stretch and catch? Squat and catch? And exactly what are we catching? Ball(s)? A stick? Thestick? The stick and balls???
Still not convinced?
Here is an unlikely position, the Nose Guard. This is “a defensive lineman that plays at the center of the D-line right at the ball. The nose guard is a big, strong player who can clog up the middle and make it hard for the offensive team.” I shit you not, that was a word-for-word quote.
Ok, so we are clear on Nose Guards: a person who stands at the D(ick) line right at the ball(s)?!? But can also “clog up the middle and make ithard”? Make whathard? And what exactly are we clogging up the middle with?
Exactly how does one coverthemselves during the sport of football? They could utilize Cornerbacks: “these football players cover the wide receivers and try to prevent them from catching a pass.” I think I’m getting it now…the cornerback is like a condom, got it.
Alright straight men, are you beginning to notice the phallic undertone of the sport in which you deem the manliest of all manly sports? Now is not the time to get defensive, I have one more wisdom nugget to add. Be prepared, I am about to blow. your. mind.
Cheerleaders. Yep, hate to bust your balls but in the beginning cheerleading was an all-men’s sport. No half shirts, no mini skirts, no big boobs or big hair. Just Harry and Dick (and their hairy dicks-n-balls).
So how did it all begin? Who crossed over the rainbow bridge? One clever bisexual.
Straight men, you must admit you have been duped. Not only are gay men more attractive than you, funnier than you and classier than you but also CLEARLY manlier than you AND know how to live out loud and keep their little football secret in the closet.
