How Does A Leader Separate Friendship And Leadership? by Stephen Dansiger
“The truth about boundaries is that they have to be set and reset and reset and reset.”
Dr. Stephen Dansiger (Author of Clinical Dharma): A leader keeps people safe by having good boundaries. It’s a word that people are annoyed by, I find. It’s like whoever 20, 30 years. 40 years even, “boundaries.” And they are the bottom line. So what are boundaries? Boundaries are flexible. Boundaries have some porousness to them. They’re not walls. They’re not moats with alligators. I think that safety is created by leaders through clear policies, clear positions, clear mission statements. Clarity and transparency in the relationship, that is not about like “I’m your buddy.” It’s a different type of friendship. And I’m in clinical work so it’s even more so. Clinical boundaries are extremely important and I’ve seen more than one clinical business go awry because of a lack of boundaries. Because we’re dealing with human beings and emotions and relationships essentially. So if one is not keeping those boundaries then we’re not keeping the client safe. It’s almost like the extreme sports version of your question. It’s that boundaries have to be very clear and the thing is that in those situations when you’re dealing with especially clients, there is going to be pushback on that. So then the key is that I have to hold that boundary and know that it’s for the good of everybody. The other thing that I talk about a lot in groups that I run, (workshops, etc.) is boundaries with the boundary less. Some people just wont follow the directions. Some people don’t like boundaries. And the reason that they don’t like it is that they don’t want to see change, they don’t want to be limited, they don’t want to lose the familiarity of whatever. People don’t like it. And so the truth about boundaries (that is the extreme version of it) is that they have to be set, and reset and reset and reset. And there is where some of the safety is created is through the acknowledgement that this is not a one-stop shop and I’ve set these boundaries and now we’re all just going to move forward.
Going back to the Four Noble Truths/Eightfold Path aspect, the first two factors of the Eightfold Path are wisdom and intention. So I’m constantly on right understanding and I’m setting wise intentions. So what’s the wisdom we’re talking about? The wisdom of what is a good leader and what are the different aspects of leadership? What are the aspects of how am I going to be most helpful to those that work with me and those we work for. And then, once I’ve gathered that wisdom together. Of course it’s not like 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8. It’s all working at the same time. But once I build that wisdom then I can set my intention. Now I’m setting an intention right now. I set the intention for the next word that I’m going to say. Every single thing we say and do, has an intention behind it. Thought preceding action. If I am able to get into that flow, the sort of impermanence of moment-to-moment and what that looks like then I’m setting and resetting intention. I’m setting and resetting boundaries. And we’re talking small increments and larger increments. There is the resetting of intention of what our five-year plan is for business or what we’re doing. So that’s my vision of boundaries. It’s not like it’s so much more flexible or lovey-dovey. As a matter of fact, in my book Clinical Dharma I talk a lot about how compassion, compassionate care, compassionate leadership looks different to each person and for each person. There is the Bodhisattva of compassion. Bodhisattva is a being who goes to Nirvana and says “I’m not going to hang out with Nirvana. I’m going to go back and be born into a human body and I’m going to help more people.” Okay so there is the Bodhisattva of compassion. When the Bodhisattva of compassion is represented and likened by statues or paintings, it often has a lot of arms and a lot of eyes because I need a lot of different ways of seeing because what is compassionate for you, is poison for you. And then I have to have a lot of different solutions, right? And I think across the board A-Type personality or the type I’m describing, that’s how leadership deals. I have to be able to deal with all the different people and all the different situations and all the diversity of experience so….so that’s my kid and I need dozens of arms and dozens of eyes just for that one person. So in the end, that is kind of the role of boundaries in the whole deal…(watch the video here).
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