Apologies are So Misunderstood. Here’s How to Get it Right.

Clear, sincere apologies are an act of strength — not weakness

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Apologies can be tough. I’ve expressed plenty that missed the mark. Overdoing it. Underdoing it. Too many explanations to justify my motives. And some counterproductive “yes, buts” thrown in. It’s hard to offer a heartfelt, compassionate apology when emotions run high and when you, as the apologizer, are reeling with your own anger or guilt or ambivalence.

But how, when, and why we apologize can make all the difference.

Janis Spring, author of books about forgiveness and surviving a marital affair, points out how apologies can fall flat and even cause additional harm when offered in a lukewarm or insensitive manner.

Miscommunications happen. Grievances sometimes appear out of nowhere. Transgressions inflict deep wounds. Even relatively minor but insensitive actions cause emotional pain and resentments. A botched apology (or no apology at all) can make the situation even worse.

And often, a quick apology is not sufficient.

Sara (one of my psychotherapy clients whose name is changed to protect confidentiality) was devastated when her husband cheated on her. She loved her husband and wanted to remain married; however…