Apologies are So Misunderstood. Here’s How to Get it Right.

Clear, sincere apologies are an act of strength — not weakness

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Apologies can be tough. I’ve expressed plenty that missed the mark. Overdoing it. Underdoing it. Too many explanations to justify my motives. And some counterproductive “yes, buts” thrown in. It’s hard to offer a heartfelt, compassionate apology when emotions run high and when you, as the apologizer, are reeling with your own anger or guilt or ambivalence.

But how, when, and why we apologize can make all the difference.

Janis Spring, author of books about forgiveness and surviving a marital affair, points out how apologies can fall flat and even cause additional harm when offered in a lukewarm or insensitive manner.

Miscommunications happen. Grievances sometimes appear out of nowhere. Transgressions inflict deep wounds. Even relatively minor but insensitive actions cause emotional pain and resentments. A botched apology (or no apology at all) can make the situation even worse.

And often, a quick apology is not sufficient.

Sara (one of my psychotherapy clients whose name is changed to protect confidentiality) was devastated when her husband cheated on her. She loved her husband and wanted to remain married; however, she was outraged about his seemingly weak apology. He expressed regret, but could not explain the reasons for his actions. Without understanding why he strayed, she could not trust that he would not cheat on her again.

According to social psychology researchers, Karina Schumann and Michael Ross, apologies are necessary and beneficial. They “reduce anger and aggression and promote forgiveness and relationship well-being.” Schumann and Ross have identified eight distinct components of a “good” apology: “remorse, acceptance of responsibility, admission of wrongdoing, acknowledgment of harm, promise to behave better, request for forgiveness, offer of repair, and explanation.” (See more below about how to apologize effectively.)

Who apologizes more — men or women?

The answer to this question might seem like a no-brainer; yes, women apologize more often, or at least they seem to apologize…