What to Do When Life Isn’t All Kittens and Rainbows
If you’re not a naturally happy person, here are some scientific strategies to help you out of the gloom and doom.
I gave a talk a few years ago on the science of happiness at a large financial services convention in Orlando. At the end of my lecture, a woman approached me to tell me how much she enjoyed my presentation. And then she paused and said, “To be honest, I almost didn’t come to this talk, because I figured that I would really hate you.”
Her comment was — let’s just say — unexpected. So, I thanked her for her unusual compliment and then asked her why she had such a negative expectation.
“I just figured that anyone who talked about happiness for an hour would be all about rainbows and kittens and that by the end of the hour I would want to strangle you,” she said.
This example illustrates a really important finding from the field of positive psychology (and — spoiler alert — it’s also the opening in my book). There are indeed some people who are naturally happy; these are the “kittens and rainbows” people. If you are one of those people, congratulations — and you can stop reading this piece right now because you certainly don’t need any advice on finding happiness.
Unfortunately, I am not one of these “kittens and rainbow” people. My natural tendency is quite honestly one of doom and gloom.
But here’s the good news for those of us who don’t naturally and easily find happiness — empirical research clearly demonstrates that even taking simple steps in our daily lives can improve mental well-being. And in honor of Mental Health Awareness Month (May!), I’m sharing my five favorite strategies.
Take a walk
We already know exercise is good for us physically. It helps us maintain a healthy weight, strengthens muscles and bones, and lowers heart rate and blood pressure.
But exercise isn’t just good for physical health — engaging in regular physical activity is also good for our mental health. Exercising helps us feel better in part because it distracts us from problems we may be facing. It also leads to physiological changes in our bodies. When we exercise, the brain releases chemicals — endorphins — that actually make us feel better.
Exercise may, at least in some cases, may be as helpful at treating depression as psychotherapy or antidepressants. In one study, researchers assigned 156 adults with clinical depression — a severe level of depression that disrupts daily life — to one of three groups:
- People in one group engaged in aerobic exercise (three forty-five-minute sessions a week for four months). They did not receive any drugs to combat depression.
- People in another group received drugs to relieve the symptoms of depression (also given for four months) but did not engage in aerobic exercise.
- People in the third group engaged in both aerobic exercise and received drugs (again for four months).
The researchers then examined people in all three groups over time to see if levels of depression changed.
Their findings revealed that people who engaged in aerobic exercise, even when they received no drugs to help with their symptoms of depression, showed improvements in mood for as long as four months. In fact, people in all three groups improved at the same rate. This study provides important evidence that moderately strenuous exercise can be as effective as drugs in treating depression.
Spend time in nature
Spending time in nature helps both our brains and our bodies to relax. Exposure to nature basically switches the body from a state of high arousal to one of rest and relaxation. Spending time in nature is therefore a great strategy for feeling better.
Here are some of the key findings about the benefits of spending time in nature.
People who walk through a park for an hour later feel less anxious than those who walk along a busy street. They also show lower levels of rumination, which leads to depression.
Spending time in nature also reduces the physiological toll of stress. For example, research from Japan on shinrin-yoku (“forest bathing,” meaning spending time in a forest area) shows that walking in a forest for twenty or so minutes leads to lower levels of blood pressure, heart rate, and the stress hormone cortisol compared to walking in an urban area.
These findings explain why people who regularly spend time in nature — including city parks and private gardens — report lower rates of stress and stress-related illnesses.15 As Kristen Malecki, a professor at the University of Wisconsin School of Medicine and Public Health notes, “If you want to feel better, go outside.”
Give (anything to anyone)
There’s a great Chinese proverb about the benefits of giving:
If you want happiness for an hour, take a nap.
If you want happiness for a day, go fishing.
If you want happiness for a year, inherit a fortune.
If you want happiness for a lifetime, help someone else.
As this Chinese proverb advises, giving is one of the best ways to boost mental well-being. Moreover, anything counts, from giving money to charitable organizations to volunteering in your community to donating blood.
To examine how giving leads to happiness, researchers asked random people on the street if they were willing to participate in a quick psychology study. People who agreed were then asked to rate their happiness and provide their phone numbers.
They were then handed an envelope that contained either five or twenty dollars. They were told to spend the money in the envelope that day and were also given specific instructions about how to do so.
- One group of people was told to spend the money on themselves, such as to pay a bill, cover an expense, or a gift for themselves.
- Another group of people was told to spend the money on someone else, such as a gift for someone else or a charitable donation.
Participants were then called that evening, after they had spent the money, and were asked to report their happiness.
Perhaps not surprisingly, there was no difference in happiness between those who got five versus twenty dollars. However, people who spent money on someone else reported greater levels of happiness than people who spent the money on themselves. This study reveals that spending as little as five dollars on someone else — even someone we don’t know — makes us feel better.
Spend money on experiences
One of the most consistent findings in the field of positive psychology is that spending money on experiences — seeing a concert, attending a sporting event, taking a trip — leads to greater happiness than spending money on belongingness.
Spending money on experiences increases happiness in part because it’s far more enjoyable to anticipate experiences than a new material good. For most people, the anticipation of an experience (“I can’t wait to spend a week in Rome!”) evokes far more happiness than the anticipation of the arrival of a material object (“I can’t wait for my new car to arrive”).
And scientific research demonstrates that people who anticipate something experience greater enjoyment than those who do not. For example, researchers in one study asked college students to participate in a “chocolate rating” study. Half the students were asked to immediately eat Hershey’s Kisses or Hugs, and then to rate their enjoyment of this chocolate. The other students were also asked to eat and then rate the chocolate but only after waiting for thirty minutes. Can you predict their findings? Students who had to wait thirty minutes reported liking the chocolate much more than those who were able to eat it immediately.
There’s a great quote in one of the Winnie-the-Pooh books by author A. A. Milne that precisely illustrates the joy of anticipation: “Well,” said Pooh, “what I like best,” and then he had to stop and think. Because although Eating Honey was a very good thing to do, there was a moment just before you began to eat it which was better than when you were, but he didn’t know what it was called.
And, of course, that word is anticipation.
Build close relationships
One of the first studies to demonstrate the importance of having close personal relationships examined factors predicting men’s well-being from adolescence through the end of their lives. The findings were clear: the only real and consistent predictor of happiness was relationships.
As Dr. George Valliant, the lead researcher on this study, wrote, there are two pillars of happiness: “One is love. The other is finding a way of coping with life that doesn’t push love away.” And subsequent research bears out this finding again and again.
And close relationships doesn’t just make us happier — they are also literally good for our health. People with close relationships have lower blood pressure, stronger immune systems, and faster recovery from surgery faster. Most importantly, they have longer life expectancies.
One of the earliest studies showing the power of close relationships on health examined social connections in nearly seven thousand men and women living in Alameda County, California, in 1965. Overall, people who lacked social ties — with family members, friends, or social groups — were two to three times more likely to die during the seven-year follow-up period than those with such connections.
The empirical research is clear: having high-quality relationships — with a spouse or other romantic partner, family members, and friends — is the best route to living a happy, healthy, and long life. So here’s the single best strategy for improving your mental health: devote time, energy, and effort on maintaining and deepening your close relationships.
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