How to Help When a Loved One Has Cancer

People with cancer reveal the specific things they find helpful — and unhelpful — from friends and family

Photo by Thirdman. Pexels.com

If you have a friend or loved one going through cancer, you might wonder exactly how to offer them good support. Maybe you’re worried about saying or doing the wrong thing. If you feel unequipped to handle this, you’re not alone. Even with 20 years of experience as a nurse, I was not fully prepared when my own loved one faced a cancer diagnosis. Looking back, there are some things I wish I’d done differently.

What do people with cancer want from their friends and family? A look at research on this topic reveals some strikingly similar themes:

Don’t avoid them

A cancer diagnosis can bring up some uncomfortable conversations, but avoiding the topic can cause people to avoid the person with cancer as well. In a 2023 study of women with advanced breast cancer, many described feeling forgotten when friends and family stopped reaching out to them to avoid the painful topic of their disease. The study, titled Living with Metastatic Breast Cancer (LIMBER, for short) was led by Dame Lesley Fallowfield, a professor of psycho-oncology.

“Some family members have just withdrawn,” One woman said “They don’t want to know because it’s too hard for them.”

In many cases, friends and relatives, “may not call because they are afraid of saying the wrong thing, calling at the wrong time, or feel they just don’t know what to say” says Dr. Patricia Kelly in her article Cancer and Family Needs, on the Stanford Medicine website.

The advice from patients interviewed by these experts included:

• Don’t stop talking to them or reaching out socially.
• Come over for a visit to cheer them up — bring a meal or offer to watch a favorite show together.
• Plan quality time together — help them make memories with, say, a family trip, a BBQ, or a friend’s night out.
• Plan something that gets them out of the house — for a pedicure, a movie, or any other activity they normally enjoy.
• Check in with a quick call or text to ask how they are doing.

Keep it real and be there to listen

There’s nothing wrong with encouraging hope, but pressuring someone to be positive no matter how much they are hurting is called toxic positivity. “It’s not at all helpful,” A patient in the LIMBER study said.“It’s almost like they want to be hopeful and positive for themselves because they just can’t deal with the diagnosis”.

People with advanced cancer often struggle with feelings of fear, loss and uncertainty. Many patients say that when they try to talk about these fears, the response is, “Oh, don’t worry about it. I’m sure everything will be okay.” says Dr. Kelly in her article Cancer and Family Needs. When attempts to discuss their illness are always met this way, the person with cancer may eventually stop trying to communicate.

I lost a very dear loved one to cancer in 2020. Caring for him at home so that he did not need to spend his final days in hospital is something I was fiercely proud to do. One thing I do regret during that time is not opening the door to deeper conversation. I avoided talking about the end of life because I didn’t want to undermine any hope he still had remaining. In hindsight, I suspect he was doing the same for me. The result was that we both missed the opportunity to talk about things that mattered while there was still time.

In the research, patients reported the need to feel accepted and for their loved ones to listen without judgment. If it’s too much for you to talk about, be honest about that, but let them know their feelings are valid.

• Don’t tell them to keep their chin up or stay positive.
• Don’t pretend they don’t have cancer, this can come across as phony. Instead, let them know you’re happy to distract them if they want or talk about whatever’s on their mind.
• Don’t speak in platitudes like, “Well, any of us could get hit by a bus tomorrow” or, “Everything happens for a reason”.
• Don’t expect them to be upbeat all the time.
• Just be there to let them talk about their feelings, including their fears about the end of life.

Don’t give advice

A common theme among patients interviewed about their needs was their frustration when loved ones offered medical advice or suggested unconventional cancer “treatments” they read about online. Don’t do this. If your loved one needs medical advice, they can and should be getting that from their chosen medical team. It’s not helpful to suggest your loved one’s cancer will be cured if they simply quit dairy or start buying essential oils. While well-meaning, patients said they found such advice unwelcome and even insulting.

• Don’t suggest “miracle cures”, quick fixes, or advice from “Dr. Google.”
• Don’t give diet advice.
• Don’t share stories about other people whose cancer was cured. If your loved one’s cancer is advanced, it may not be curable. It’s also not helpful to share stories about someone else who died of their cancer. Everyone’s cancer journey is different, so keep the focus on your loved one.

Step up and help with household tasks

Symptoms such as cancer pain or exhaustion can impact a person’s ability to manage their usual tasks. In the LIMBER study, 58% of patients reported their family’s well-being was adversely affected. Patients in this study echoed advice published by the American Cancer Society and the National Cancer Institute that recommend helping your loved one with daily tasks such as:

• Offers to babysit
• Rides to medical appointments
• Picking up groceries or prescriptions
• Taking their dog for a walk
• Putting meals in their freezer
• Help with household cleaning

If you can’t assist in person, consider chipping in for a visit from a house cleaning service, a dog walking service, or a gift card for meal delivery. These can often be purchased online and delivered by email.

When offering help, it’s common for people to say, “Call me if you need anything”, but this can seem insincere even if it isn’t. It also puts the onus on the person with cancer to reach out to you and ask for help, which they may be hesitant to do. A better approach is to suggest something more specific, like, “Can I come by on Thursday with some homemade soup?” or “I’m going to the grocery store on Saturday, why don’t you give me your list and I’ll pick up what you need.” This lets them know your offer is genuine and makes it easier for them to accept.

If you’re providing full-time care

From one caregiver to another: if you are the main support person for someone with cancer, it’s important that you take care of yourself and ask for help. As a nurse, I’ve seen family members experience burnout from the exhaustion of caring for a loved one around the clock, and you can’t be a good support if you have nothing left to give. Just like the standard aircraft safety advice — you need to put your own mask on first before you help anyone else.

In a 2023 study of people with digestive cancer published in PLOS ONE journal, patients reported feeling guilty about the burden their caregivers were taking on. They saw their loved one’s life revolving around their illness and the weight that it put on them mentally and physically. One patient said of her husband, “He has to admit it, too, that he needs help…it would allow him not to have to think of everything all the time…but he needs to get it in his head.”

So, even though you may be putting your loved one’s needs first, it’s important not to forget your own:

• Try to eat healthy meals.
• Get enough sleep and make time for yourself to relax.
• Some self-care only takes a few minutes — write in a journal, read something upbeat, do a 5-minute stretch, or go for a walk.
• Let your friends and family help you.
• Don’t be afraid to say no to visitors if it’s too much, or to take some time for yourself while they sit with your loved one.
• Reach out to your loved one’s medical team or cancer care center for information about support groups, respite care, home care, and other help for caregivers.

Learn more

If you would like more information on how to provide support for someone going through cancer, a short film featuring real quotes and anecdotes from breast cancer patients in the UK is one such resource. The film, titled, They Just Don’t Know What to Say or Do is freely available online and is intended to be a practical guide for friends and family.

The National Cancer Institute also has an excellent free online booklet with practical advice for caregivers titled, When Someone You Love Has Advanced Cancer.

Support from loved ones improves quality of life and has been shown to decrease depression and anxiety for people with cancer, among other benefits. Having good caregivers in their corner makes a difference.