Member-only story
How to Actually Know You’re Lonely
An evidence-based guideline to evaluate your (hidden) feelings of loneliness
In the summer of 2017, I got lonely without knowing it.
I remember feeling uneasy at the time. Anxious, restless, constantly craving distractions. But loneliness? I didn’t even consider it.
A few weeks earlier, I had moved away from home and into a one-bedroom apartment. It was my first time living all alone. And I’d wanted it this way. Moving there, I hadn’t just craved a fresh start but had also yearned to be far, far away from my old life — friends, family, familiarity. And so, at the time, I simply denied the possibility of loneliness. It wasn’t even on my radar.
And yet, loneliness snuck up on me — gradually, sneakily.
Throughout my days, I woke up groggy, gulped down instant coffee, and rushed to my job as an engineering trainee. I worked with many people my age. And yet, as much as I craved connection, I didn’t really click with anyone. One of the worst moments was walking into the cafeteria, shyly carrying my lunch tray, and not seeing anyone I could imagine having lunch with. Or, other times, it was feeling left out by the people I wanted to have lunch with.
