How To Make Your Life Easier By Communicating Effectively
No matter what your pursuit is in life, you will eventually need to be able to communicate with people. Humans are tribal. It’s how we survived for thousands of years.
I heard somewhere that the reason public speaking is such a common fear is that in ancient tribal times, the only time a single person would speak in front of the entire tribe, was if they were trying not to be kicked out of the tribe.
Back then, being kicked out of your tribe meant certain death.
Communication was critical to survival back then, and it is critical to thriving in our modern world.
So much of the Wise Healthy Wealthy brand is about taking action to change your life for the better. Taking action often means communicating with people in some way.
Whether it be through marketing, sales, job interviews, a first date, or convincing the bank to stop charging you overdraft fees, communication is essential.
The Pain Of Miscommunication
The single biggest problem in communication is the illusion that it has taken place. — George Bernard Shaw
What is worse than feeling misunderstood? What is worse than having a significant other be upset with you due to miscommunication? Not much.
Loneliness often stems from feeling misunderstood, and that’s often partially due to an inability to connect with other people.
The ability to talk to and genuinely connect with others is a very underrated skill.
I’ve been terrible at it for most of my life, which is why I’ve put a lot of time and effort into figuring it out. The basics at least.
One major issue with communication is no one owns the job of making sure everyone is on the same page.
Is it the person talking or is it the listener?
In western culture, usually, the job falls to the person talking. Here in the US, if what I write is incomprehensible to you, that’s my fault!
Conversely, in older Eastern cultures the burden of understanding falls on the listener.
Here’s a tip — the burden of understanding is always on you. Whether you are talking or listening, it is up to you to take ownership.
Stop Talking, Start Listening
Wise men speak because they have something to say; Fools because they have to say something. — Plato
Effective communication requires a strong listening skill set.
You want to make sure you understand the person you’re talking to, especially if you’re going to have any chance of them understanding you.
When you take the time to listen to someone, you can learn how to better communicate with them. People will happily spill their preferences on an array of topics, giving you hints on what is worth bringing up with them.
If I’m listening to someone talk about how annoying reading is, you can be sure I’m not going to try to recommend a great book to them. I’d try to find common ground to converse on.
In a relationship setting this is not only effective but also critical to survival. Relationships have the disadvantage of miscommunication compounding. This is where a miscommunication causes another miscommunication, over and over again until your significant other resents you and you break up.
When your partner feels misunderstood, they start to feel isolated. Over time this leads to them looking outward for companionship, instead of inward.
I wrote an entire post on five things healthy couples do to stay in love, and four out of the five things involve deeper and deeper levels of communication.
Listen to what they say, and then ask questions, damn it.
Ask Questions, Damn It
Listening alone doesn’t cut it. Eventually, you will have to participate in the conversation. A lot of people I know like to use empathetic statements.
I hate empty empathetic statements.
You can feel the inauthentic dripping off of those phrases.
“Wow, yeah I can see how that would suck.”
“Man, that must be hard.”
“You must be so excited, I bet you worked really hard for that.”
Cringe.
Although, to be fair, in a relationship context, sometimes this is all your partner needs. Too often, from the men’s perspective, we try to jump in and fix things immediately. So sometimes an empathetic statement here and there can be helpful.
But honestly, asking good questions can be far more effective.
When my fiance Megan has an issue, I let her vent, and then I ask her “What are your ideas to solve this?” I genuinely want to know if she has a solution in mind to any given problem, because that helps me help her.
By listening, asking questions, and listening some more I can make sure I completely understand what Megan actually wants from me. Then I can help in a way that adds value, and neither of us feels misunderstood.
In a social scene like networking, one of my favorite questions to ask about a topic you find interesting is simply: “How can I get involved with that?” Or some variation like “If I were to want more information on that, where do you recommend I go?”
People love to talk about things they know a lot about, and this kind of question will send them down a path of giving advice. Plus, if you want to follow up with them later, you can bring up that you used their suggestion (if you actually did) to start the conversation again.
Avoid Important Communications When You’re Emotionally Compromised
Humans are ruled by their emotions. That’s a fact.
When your emotions are running high and you try, and have a conversation with someone, your logic won’t be what shines through; your emotions will.
And this doesn’t just mean when you’re angry. This also means when you’re really happy.
If you commit to something when you’re really happy chances are you’ll underestimate how hard that task is. Happens with engagements all the time.
Ha, jk. Kind of.
In the inverse if you are upset or angry you are much more likely to say something you will regret later.
I strongly recommend taking a ten-minute breather when a fight breaks out with your partner. Take a few minutes alone to cool off and think things through.
- Why did they act the way they did?
- Why did I act the way I did?
- Have I acknowledged that I understand their point of view?
- Have I taken ownership of my mistakes?
No angry person will think through these questions. Until you can answer the first two questions, and said yes the last two, the risk of further argument remains.
Don’t let your emotions argue for you.
Always Try To Understand The Other Perspective
Listening, asking questions, and keeping a cool head are all actions taken in an effort to do one thing..
To understand.
Effective communication happens when you truly understand what the other person is saying, and are then understood in turn.
Any conversation that doesn’t end in the thought of “I think we understood each other” is a potentially failed communication.
“Seek first to understand, then to be understood.” — Steven R Covey
