The Tuscaloosa Bearometer Week 8: Winning Through Extraordinary Circumstance

(Bear Bear Bryant by Robert Gobel III; BBQ Nachos by Big Bad Wolves; Smiling Saban by Someone Doing a Remote Task Correctly For the 100th Time)

Well I’ll be! Does this team know how to party or what? & by party I mean turn into a ghost death swarm of magic pass catching bees that absolutely delight & terrify unsuspecting audiences! Yes, our defense waltzed right into Football Jonestown But The Opposite of Socialist Death Compound & hit em with the ol’ reverse Flavor-Aid to the tune of three interception returns for touchdown which colloquially is known as three pick sixes which summons Minkah Fitzpatrick aka THE NEW JERSEY DEVIL & if you’ve read up on your Winston Churchill, if you’re going through hell keep going & by keep going I mean keep throwing the football & running the hurry-up-no-huddle despite constant three-and-outs & exhausting your defense who is inexplicably running a dime package against a man who’s nickname is “baby tractor” because if throwing an out pass for two yards, running for one yard, & throwing incomplete down the sideline was good enough for Jesus Reagan, than by golly, it’s good enough for the bizarro overall aviator sunglasses milk cult.

Seriously, Kyle Field is like a first-person shooter where they just keep sending wave after wave of generically spawned enemies with increasing difficulty in hopes of causing you to rage quit and/or get bored with the monotony of it all & deciding to leave College Station for good & go some place super fancy like Armadillo! Or Nacaogdoches!

Yes, the Alabama HYPE TRAIN is rolling again (choo choo!) due to Kirby Smart casting HARDEN upon the Alabama defense to the point where utilizing QUICK ATTACK just makes Jared Allen wonder if a piece of dust has landed upon his forehead & all these other teams out here messin’ with the wrong HMs & TMs when they should’ve been POWERING UP son! And gosh darnit, we’re gonna drag our offense & our special teams kicking & screaming the entire way, but, if, like, defensive coordinators want to spot us 21 pounds before, oh, you know, selling out on the run 9 times out of 10 & dropping back in coverage on obvious passing situations, we’re totally cool with that because ol’ Defensive Emeril John Chavis may or may not have been pulling the LONG CON & that he has been a SLEEPER AGENT for Bill Battle all of these years & this has all been a part of BILL BATTLE’S BATTLE PLAN because ol’ bb is a true strategist have you ever tried to play the man in chess or stratego he’s just too damn handsome & the shine off of his platinum hair just blinds you into making terrible mistakes

ANYWAY TAMU turned out to be some false prophets as is their nature & “you know who looks scary? A&M. oh wait NOPE” has become one of the new traditions at A&M. I hear that they practice it at midnight & everything, although it is much more of a guarantee than the “kiss your date” every single time A&M scores which is just some horrifying scheme probably drawn up by George H.W. Bush because Barbara don’t play that game, dude, though if you think about it the tradition probably dates back to like 1890 & scores back then were like 5–2 (go mets) so you were only getting like two or three smooches tops, which is good, because lips are the devil’s instrument, y’all should be putting that effort into stabbing some frogs

One thing I did appreciate about the Agriculture Cute Dogs is their weird glowing optimism even when Eddie Jackson the 7th was putting the fear of something more awesome than God into lanky skill players — everyone in the crowd was like that dog in that cartoon panel saying “this is fine” while the world around them burned. Texas A&M fans could lose by 80 & be like “aw shucks, time just ran out on us” & actually believe it because time is obviously just a false evil genius creating an unnecessary restraint upon those who are too blind to see the Aggie Spirit & once you come play with us Danny you will see a world of untimed downs & endless quarterback scrambles forever and ever and ever

WEEK 7 BY THE NUMBERS

Jake Coker was 19/25 for 138 yards, meaning that his assimilation into SABANQBBOT is nearly complete. There have been a lot of fluff pieces lately about White Ron Mexico (aka El Rincon) which must be making Nick Dr. Wily Saban angry because how can we be expected to beat LSU if he is still holding onto pieces of humanity. STOP FISHING AND SINGING COUNTRY SONGS! THE ONLY ACCEPTABLE SONG FOR YOU TO SING IS DAISY BELL, AIGHT?

Kyle Allen, meanwhile, went 20/40 which is also his eyesight HEYYYOOOO these are the jokes people actually I’d kill to have 20/40 vision everything in my life looks like a Monet painting of a Monet painting

Derrick Henry ran for 236 yards. I don’t really have a joke for that. That’s just dumb.

The Warsaw Buzzsaw went 2 for 2! That’s 100%! Both kicks were huge momentum stoppers at a time when our potassium levels were super low! Between that & the Michigan Snapfu I’ll never complain about special teams again! Until next week!

OVERHEARD AT EGAN’S OF THE WEEK

“You know, the Nazis had a 12th man too.”

CHEAT DAY SNACK OF THE WEEK

Domino’s Deep Dish Pepperoni Pizza! Look. I am from New Jersey. I know pizza. My family would order pizza from the same place for over 25 years to the point where if my dad ordered anything more than our usual, they’d be like “so, you have company over, huh?” The place shut down due to rent going up because they put a Planet Fitness next door because suburbia is real & my dad just kept calling & calling & calling with no response & it might’ve been the saddest I’ve ever seen him.

I’m sure some bullshit Manhattanite is all like “oh no self-respecting pizza lover would EVER order from Domino’s your point is moot” & some bullshit Chicagoan is all like “that’s not deep dish to get true deep dish you have to go to this one extremely specific place” & I’m like “YOUR ENTIRE FACE IS MOOT ALSO I RENT A TWO BEDROOM TWO BATH HOUSE IN A NICE AREA FOR HALF OF WHAT YOU PAY FOR A “COZY” FIRE HAZARD WASTELAND”. If I lived in a metropolitan area, would I ever order Domino’s? Probably not. I’d go to some shitty Ray’s knock-off & eat a reheated pizza by the slice & be the most content. But I live in the greatest city of champions in the world & I am DRUNK & I want goddamn pizza brought to my doorstep by a frazzled & haggard man in a visor (so, basically, a defensive coordinator) & this is the best fast food pizza you can buy. It is greasy, cheesy, the pepperoni crisps up shockingly well & it makes you want to die after you eat it. It is perfect. I affectionately refer to it as “sleepy time pizza” because after eating three pieces you will start slurring your words & have that moment where you’re like WELP I’M LYING DOWN NOW WHO CARES ABOUT PAC-12 FOOTBALL. It is better than Ambien & has a slightly less chance of causing you to murder your loved ones with a shower curtain & a toothbrush.

Anyway what I’m trying to say is that the Domino’s Pepperoni Deep Dish pizza is an excellent Italian-American fusion based food product. Go pronounce mozzarella funny, STUNAD

WEEK 7 PREDICTIONS

Oh ho ho you know what time it is. It’s those garbage jumpsuit wearing Gerber babyfood pus mixed with blood dog worshipping but not in a fun Bhaivara way creamsicle inside of a pumpkin who has thrown up into another pumpkin sad sack of sunsphere constructing checkers playing Pantone 151 rock painting illegal bingo suiciding shitbirds from Knoxville.

Tennessee Hate Week is the reason why hashtags were invented. Alabama fans hate Tennessee so much that we get into arguments with each other over who hates Tennessee the most. I have had the pleasure of meeting lots of wonderful people in my life, from all different SEC schools. My best friend is marrying an LSU alum & I think he is making a great choice. I text occasionally with an Auburn fan. But I am not friends with a single Tennessee fan because why the hell would you be friends with a Tennessee fan? The closest I ever was to befriending a Tennessee fan is when someone I knew moved there, they posted a photo of them in poorly crafted hummus orange & I called them a traitor & they defriended me. I mean, we all have that weird cousin or brother who went to Auburn & you’re like “i love him but he’s a booger eater” but that shit does not FLY with Tennessee. The shape of Tennessee looks like a poop log if you’ve been eating at gas stations for three days. Jack Daniel’s tastes like someone stuck a quarter-smoked American Spirit in a shot of halfway decent whisky & shook it around for three to five minutes. The best part about Tennessee is Memphis & Tennessee is all like “oh Memphis is its own thing we don’t associate with those heathens also they currently have the best football team in Tennessee in the past seven years & that Marc Gasol looks a little unclean”

Nashville is where you go to celebrate your bachelorette party if you’re not hard enough for New Orleans.

Tennessee is the reason why you’re stuck in a car for three extra hours because your dad wanted to take “the scenic route through the Smoky Mountains” & all it is are some goddamn plateaus.

Rocky Top isn’t even real.

Chattanooga has Google Fiber so I guess they’re ok

FINAL VERDICT BIG LOCK OF THE WEEK SPONSORED BY BIG LOTS

Every year since 2007, Tennessee has been searching for their “signature win”. They seem to get one every single year but it’s like when you’re trying to get a grant approved & they’re like “oh wait you need to get like seven more signatures” & then you’re just like “fuck it” & then the deadline for submitting the grant expires & you’re back where you started & it turns out that the signature that you got seemed perfectly great at the time but in retrospect looks horribly smudged & written in a cheap-ass RoseArt crayon. It has gotten so desperate that Tennessee ascribes meaning to every time they somehow manage to overcome a 3-point underdog at home & the next thing you know Peyton Manning is CONDUCTING THE BAND again.

Also all of these signature wins tend to come against South Carolina & Steve Spurrier doesn’t even want to sign his opponents’ scorecard at the end of a nice leisurely 18-holes let alone something that allows a Yahoo! Sports article to be written with the title TENNESSEE RISING

Anyway, Tennessee is coming off their newest signature win after three very close signature losses & Tennessee is MORE CONFIDENT THAN EVER, which is the same story we hear every year when we play these doofuses.

Tennessee’s offense is a bit of a mess, but they are most definitely going to do that thing where we get them in third & long & the crowd is going RAAAAHHHHHH & Josh Dobbs will scramble & pick up thirteen yards & we will all be like UGHHHHHH. This will happen many times & it will be super frustrating, but it will also be the only semblance of offense Tennessee will hopefully be able to muster, provided we keep Hurd & our old friend Alvin in check & Reggie Ragland puts in the greatest QB Spy performance since the Culper Ring snuffed out General Tryon’s pump-fake draw play.

Okay this is all fun & games but for those of you who are like “lol why do we care about tennessee we haven’t lost to them since shula they’re not even our rival” let me remind you that FORMER TENNESSEE COACH PHIL FULMER IS THE GREAT PUMPKIN ANTICHRIST WHO WAS THE MAIN REASON ALABAMA WAS PUT ON PROBATION IN THE EARLY 2000S & ATTEMPTED TO GIVE ALABAMA FOOTBALL THE DEATH PENALTY, WHICH INCLUDED DEFAMING ONE OF HIS OWN PLAYERS BY CLAIMING THAT HIS MOTHER WAS HAVING AN AFFAIR WITH AN ALABAMA ASSISTANT COACH & INCLUDED PROVIDING INFORMATION ON THE CASE AGAINST ALABAMA IN EXCHANGE FOR HAVING THE NCAA OVERLOOK HIS OWN RECRUITING VIOLATIONS, LITERALLY CONSPIRING AGAINST ALABAMA IN AN ATTEMPT TO DESTROY OUR FOOTBALL PROGRAM

Tennessee tried to eliminate football from the University of Alabama. Eliminating football would’ve caused a decline in student population, leading to less money being brought into the City of Tuscaloosa. There would be less jobs, less opportunities for growth, & a stagnant economy. Tennessee wanted to take money out of your pocket & food out your mouth. Every year, the Alabama Football team bludgeons the shit out of whatever hot-shot upstart freshman who looked “really good in practice this week” du jour they’ve cobbled together. They do it for us. Fuck Tennessee forever.

Alabama 48-Tennessee 17

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