The Tuscaloosa Bearometer: Winning Through Extraordinary Circumstance
(Bear Bear Bryant by Robert Gobel III; BBQ Nachos by Big Bad Wolves; Smiling Saban by Someone Doing a Remote Task Correctly For the 100th Time)
Greetings and salutations apostles and apollos of Coach Nicholas Saban (can I call you Nicholas? no? okay, you’re probably right, sorry Coach) & welcome to first ever Tuscaloosa Bearometer which might be the last ever Tuscaloosa Bearometer, if, say, for example, things get super wacky and sad this season, or, like I get kind of tired of rambling on about how the music being blasted from Rounders seems to be prepping us for a pretty chill pool party with a little bit of weed in Childersburg rather than soul crushing trap remix’d super hits that our #1 preseason ranked defense DESERVES.
Unlike the rest of my carpetbagging kinfolk, I still live in the great city of Tuscaloosa (now with a new slogan: the one and only! it is a phrase that is often reserved for a sitcom where an unlikable character enters the scene and the likeable, cute, female lead who is obviously just there to drive the motivations of our nerdy male star says “Oh God, it’s Tuscaloosa.” & then the laugh track goes lol & then Tuscaloosa says “The One and Only!” & the laugh track goes lol again! lol) because I understand the importance of the PROCESS and COST OF LIVING and MEAT AND THREES.
Granted, some of our other contributors also live in Tuscaloosa, but they have things like MORTGAGES and BABIES which are extremely detrimental to the roll tide lifestyle. I also have a MORTGAGE, which is also called A WEEKLY RUNNING TAB at Egan’s that I pay on Wednesday afternoons because the second you get your wallet out during a game day is the second where you start making weird dollar bets with the person next to you about how they will be unable to make it through the Adam Griffith College Game Day fluff piece without crying. (they won’t, you should probably take that bet, but instead go next door and buy a sausage sandwich from Mr. Tee with a ten dollar bill that you keep in your pocket, tip the man well because he is Tuscaloosa to the core & his BBQ is delicious, & then use the remaining dollar to win an extra dollar to go buy another sausage sandwich because maintaining a good protein base is what winners do).
This is all to say that I am your MAN ABOUT TOWN. I am in the community. I am on the pulse. Therefore, throughout me living and breathing and existing in Tuscaloosa, I can provide valuable insight to the game because as every good sports fan knows, whether or not you wear your lucky shirt is what makes a difference, not the physical attributes of student athletes who wake up seven hours earlier than you do and get more things done in their life before lunch time whereas you’ve been looking at the Internet all day thinking about putting peanut butter on a Mission-style tortilla.
While I am providing this first post in medias res (that is latin for “after the wisconsin game”) I hope to provide valuable statistically proven data that will, without a shadow of a doubt, give you the confidence that the Alabama Crimson Tide Football Team will win by a million touchdowns.
WEEK ONE BY THE NUMBERS
Last week I ran for 12.5 miles, which is the same number of average receiving yards that Robert Foster put up.
We held Wisconsin to 40 yards rushing, which is the same number of ounces found in a delicious bomber of King Cobra, which is a malt liquor that is illegal in the state of Alabama, but perfectly legal in Wisconsin. Therefore, alcohol is a sin in the same way that not being able to account for an undersized offensive line against a rotating buzzsaw of defensive ends is a surefire way to send your freshman running back from Capitol Heights, Maryland into a hellacious dreamscape where you worship at the altar of a Badger with no eyes which is rumored to be at the end of the left-hand path (seriously though stop trying to run inside zone against us that shit don’t work)
We scored five touchdowns which is the same amount of chicken tenders I ordered at Popeye’s, where the general mood about the game was “Wisconsin is terrible”
Alabama’s 35 points is the first time Alabama has scored 35 points since the last time we scored 35 points in a game where scoring 35 points was definitely enough to win right?
OVERHEARD AT EGAN’S OF THE WEEK
“Fuck Scott Walker! Try defunding THAT, motherfucker!” said after one of Derrick “El Tractorcito Sharks Bye Felicia Deuce” Henry’s TD runs
CHEAT DAY FOOD OF THE WEEK
Blueberry Pancakes! Made with lots of butter from Land O’ Lakes, which is a Minnesotan company, natural enemy of Wisconsin. I also ate two of them for extra good luck because we play the BLUE RAIDERS next week & so I wanted to eradicate all blue fruits from my life. YOU’RE NEXT BLUE RASPBERRY. Also, please note the Stanford Cardinal(z) in the background! I’m sure they’re gonna do great this year
WEEK 2 PREDICTIONS
First and foremost Tennessee is the worst state in the Union. It looks like a splinter that gets caught in your big toe after walking on a improperly treated deck. So I sure as shit don’t like the middle of it. MTSU is gonna get on the board solely because they’re so damn hype to be out of those gross mountains.
Today I walked past two Mormons doing Mormon twin buddy things so that means COOPER BATEMAN GETS THE START YOU HEARD IT HERE ELDERS
Our new president Stu Bell keeps the landscaping a bit longer than JBo does in front of El Fureidis Presidents Mansion, which is obviously a nod to trying anything possible to slow down MTSU’s spread offense.
FINAL VERDICT BIG LOCK OF THE WEEK SPONSORED BY BIG LOTS
Middle Tennessee State defeated Jackson State by the embarrassing score of 70–14. This will not stand. Jackson State’s most famous alumna not named Walter Payton is Dr. Rod Paige, who was the United States Secretary of Education & therefore this game was an insult to all things teacherly. Middle Tennessee State has no respect for pedagogy. They are the student in the back of the class who drinks Mountain Dew and plays some budget freeware version of Arkanoid on his iPhone 7S. The University of Alabama is the Capstone of the Yellowhammer State and does not appreciate assaults on higher learning. Nick Saban himself once said “I’m pretty much, like, a teacher” & one time thanked me for “all that I do” (direct quote) so he is looking out for his fellow pedagogues. It is time to learn them Blue Raiders a lesson but only after explaining the rubric and grading scale which looks like this:
100–90 Alec Morris takes snaps with 8:02 left in the 3rd Quarter
89–70 A’Shawn Robinson has eaten your left guard like a zebra cake
69–50 The student section is 25% full by 4:30pm Central Time *most likely grade considering peer reviewed work combined with daily grades
49–0 Star Jackson throws a slant route to Duron Carter for a gain of 6
Running up the score is some Big 12 pandering nonsense (Hugh Freeze to Texas). Middle Tennessee State is gonna get severely, yet adequately defeated in a very tasteful manner that will undoubtedly leave a lot of drunk Alabama fans upset in that we should’ve scored more points against them.
Alabama 55-MTSU 14
Tune in next week! Until then, RUN THE DANG BALL