Sporks, Paper Straws, and the End of the American Empire

All rights © snow peak

Is there any evidence that the Department of Education spent any money creating “hybridized utensils”? We can’t afford to pay teachers living wages or subsidize school lunches but the Dept. of Ed has an R&D department and an exploratory cafeteria hardware budget?

Honestly, not even the growing number of unemployed has enough time to research everything this man tweets from the toilet.

Though a post was circulating widely, appearing to be from Trump, it turns out there is no actual record of him railing against sporks on any social media platform.¹ But this is The Onion/The Upside Down we call reality now. Of course he could’ve posted something as absurd as a sporkgate conspiracy theory. What was once incomprehensible in the public sphere is now just one drop in the firehouse we’re drinking from. Any absurdity is now possible. That it would surprise no one if he actually did rage-tweet about sporks illustrates how disastrously far we’ve fallen from political governance by qualified and capable leaders with expertly strategized priorities.

Because of course the chaos deity with a golden toilet, born with a silver spoon in his mouth would disparage the humble spork — it’s the most non-binary of all the cutlery. And as every God-guns-and-country true believer knows, the Good Lord above only intended…