How to combat your negative self-talk
From no longer comparing yourself to others to confronting that nagging voice in your head — Wizer therapist Monique Haan answers your most recently submitted questions.
Q: I’m so hard on myself. I take care of one thing, but then another falls apart. There’s a nagging voice inside of me that says I’m never doing enough. I can’t ever get ahead. It doesn’t seem like my friends have this problem. Will I ever feel like “I’m on top of it?”
A: Ah, yes — the good old inner critic. This part of us can sometimes get very loud, or send us into a downward spiral of negativity. I would encourage you to bring compassionate curiosity to the ‘nagging voice’. What is the tone? Who does it sound like? Often times, these parts of us become instilled at a young age (i.e. parents, teachers, society).
Learning to cultivate the ‘observer’ can be a powerful practice that begins the process of disentangling from the inner critic. This is a practice of deepening self awareness. Awareness shines a light on our inner experience. Awareness + compassion is a practice that can empower us with the ability to intercept the critical inner voice.
I would invite you to ask yourself: What does it mean for you to be “on top of it?” Let this be a meditative practice — sit with the question and notice what comes up. Perhaps there is a story or narrative that gets validated (i.e. “I am good enough”). It could be helpful to work with a therapist on the process of “rewriting” the narratives that no longer serve us, and aligning ourselves with a deeper truth.
Q: I’m constantly comparing myself to other people, especially on social media. I feel like I get caught in negative spiral. How do I get out?
A: Social media is designed to literally “hook” us. It can easily become a compulsive behavior, as the technology is created to trigger the pleasure centers of the brain (dopamine release). AND as you’re experiencing, it can send us into a downward spiral of negativity or comparing ourselves to others. The truth is — what is portrayed on social media is usually not the FULL picture. How often do you see people posting about the ‘worst’ day they had, or about their fears or insecurities? Not very often.
I would invite you to incorporate a mindfulness practice with social media use — Take a moment to pause before you start mindlessly scrolling. Notice what your emotional state is, how you feel somatically (in your body)? Set yourself a time limit on periods of social media use (I suggest limiting it to 10 min).
After you’ve finished, pause again. Notice what thoughts and feelings are present. What’s been evoked in you? Are there any places of tension in your body that weren’t there before? If you notice the comparing mind arising, or that you’ve gone into a negative spiral, make note of that. Do this practice several days in a row to track the stimulus and response. If you notice a pattern that social media use tends to evoke negative feelings (i.e. shame, insecurity, self doubt), that is important information! Perhaps it is time to make a change. AND change is not always easy, as habits can be hard to break. Let this be a practice. Maybe you start by decreasing social media use by half, or set 1–2 times each day to use it intentionally (i.e work related, to share an important message). Perhaps take a break for a few days and notice how you feel. See what makes the most sense for you regarding limiting use. Tracking our stimulus-response experience can be an empowering practice in changing habits that are not serving us.
Q: It seems like everyone else has it together. My friends are having babies, getting married, moving ahead in their career and I just feel stuck. I always thought that by this age I would have made it to these milestones. Is there something wrong with me? It’s hard to keep the faith.
A: First, I think it’s important to get clear on what reaching these milestones means to you. Is there a core value or longing that would be met? For example, would getting married fulfill a longing for deeper intimacy? What is the deeper meaning for you in moving your career forward?
I would invite you to look deeper into the question “Is there something wrong with me”? Get clear on what it is YOU truly want for your future versus what may be stemming from societal pressure. Our values can and often do change throughout our life. This can be a wonderful time for a self inquiry practice. What is is that you truly desire for yourself, and most importantly, WHY? Take time to sit in the question, journal, or explore with a therapist. I trust that the more you allow the inquiry to marinate, your deepest truth with be revealed.
Wizer is breaking through the stigma of seeking therapy, starting in San Francisco. On our app, we connect users with a personalized selection of therapists nearby, and make it easy to schedule an appointment. We see therapists like the personal trainers for our souls — just one more thing to add to our positive wellness routines. Ask our Wizer therapists anything anonymously here, and stay tuned for advice on our blog!
