Spotting Addiction
From love to alcohol: Q&A with Wizer Therapist Delfina Piretti
Wizer therapist Delfina Piretti answers your most recently submitted questions.
I recently heard someone use the term “Love Addiction.” What does that mean? I’ve been in lots of relationships and I have a hard time being alone, is that a problem?
You’re asking important questions. Love addiction is a condition in which individuals fall in love with someone who will not return their affection. In other words, it’s a pattern of falling in love with emotionally unavailable partners.
In your relationships, what do you do out of fear of being alone? Do you try to control your partner or others with anger, blame, tears or compliance? Do you put up with intolerable or abusive behavior? Do you rationalize that, no matter how bad it is, it is better than being alone? Does it feel as if you can’t go on if you end up alone?
You may want to look at the 40 Questions for Self Diagnosing Sex and Love Addiction to self-assess. The questions are designed to be used as guidelines for identifying possible signposts of sex and love addiction.
Being lonely is a fact of life. It can occur within a relationship or without. Rather than seeing it as a problem, consider that you’re missing out on something that is essential: solitude. If you were to take full responsibility for yourself by valuing yourself, listening to yourself, and taking loving care of yourself physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually — you might not fear being alone.
The truth is that the only time we actually feel alone is when we abandon ourselves. We may feel lonely when we want to share love with another and there isn’t anyone there, or the other person is closed to connection.
I think my boyfriend might have an alcohol problem. We both drink a glass of wine at the end of a stressful day, but when he goes out with his friends on the weekends he sometimes blacks out and doesn’t remember how he got home. Should I be worried?
It is scary when someone you love is experiencing black-outs when drinking, even if it’s only sometimes. I can’t say whether your boyfriend is an alcoholic without assessment, however blackouts are a red flag that drinking is a problem. It is important to find other ways to responded to stress: exercise, time in nature, mediation, yoga. Drinking in response to stress isn’t good if it’s habitual.
As a partner to someone who drinks, worry doesn’t help. The best thing you can do today is go to an Al-Anon meeting and start to learn about co-addiction. There’s saying in Al-Anon: “You didn’t cause it, you can’t control it and you can’t cure it.” Knowing this can help release you from faulty thinking and taking on the role of rescuer.
Wizer is breaking through the stigma of seeking therapy, starting in San Francisco. On our app, we connect users with a personalized selection of therapists nearby, and make it easy to schedule an appointment. We see therapists like the personal trainers for our souls — just one more thing to add to our positive wellness routines. Ask our Wizer therapists anything anonymously here, and stay tuned for advice on our blog!
