Modern Dating: Our therapists weigh in on your relationship questions
In the era of endless swiping and scrolling through eligible singles, it’s become easier than ever to be picky about the partners we’re choosing. But with so much dating happening, are we raising the red flag too soon, and too often? Wizer therapist Valerie Tate weighs in on when your worries are worth a larger conversation.
This guy is perfect but he’s just not politically-correct. It bothers me, and I get embarrassed around my friends. Is this something I should try to change about him, or should I accept we’re not a match? ~ Lucy
Dear Lucy, it’s wonderful to meet someone you connect with. We can never really ‘change’ another person, however you can express from your own experience how his comments affect you and how they don’t match with your own values. Start a discussion about it. Transparency around differences in relationships is vital. It helps you get to know each other at a deeper level and potentially create a mutual respect. Just keep in mind that judgements tend to cause distance in relationships. Speak from your own experience of those comments to create a healthy dialogue.
The guy I’m dating is super charming and outgoing in a group setting, but one-on-one he’s much more shy and nervous to open up. I like people who are outgoing — are we less compatible than I thought? ~Anne
Dear Anne, sometimes opposites attract. The reason for this, is that there may be an aspect of yourself you need to develop that he has strength in, such as being outgoing in a group. On the other hand, he may need to develop his capacity to be open and expressive one-on-one. You may have exactly what he needs to learn this. Relationships are an opportunity to learn and grow, and it is our partners who can best reflect this.
I’ve been dating a guy for over a month now, and I just can’t stand that our texting conversation is so unexciting. Other than setting our next date, we’re barely talking at all. Shouldn’t there be more fun banter happening? Is it is a flag if we’re not thinking about each other enough to text more often? ~ Katie
Dear Katie, it sounds like you’re thinking about him quite a bit. Perhaps the issue is that you’re waiting for him to set the tone of your playful banter instead of putting your flirtation on the table. It is common in relationships to think your partner can read your mind. The red flag here, is you hiding your desires. Take a risk to put yourself out there and see if he meets you. You may be surprised.
I’m dating someone who is super intellectual, and I like that about him but sometimes it’s too much. Why don’t I enjoy getting into as much deep conversation as he does? ~ Lexi
Dear Lexi, it’s easy to judge yourself next to others, especially with someone you care for. The reality is, everyone has different personality aspects that develop stronger based on upbringing and personal desires. Is it possible that his ‘topics’ are just not that interesting to you? Try exploring a topic that you are interested in and inviting him into deeper conversation there. It’s easier to go in depth where your curiosity is.
I really like a girl I’m seeing, but she’s so friendly with everyone that I can never read how she feels about me. She told me she was interested, but I just feel like one of her friends when we’re in group settings. How do I convey that she’s not making me feel special, without scaring her off? ~ Brandon
Dear Brandon, everyone has a persona in group settings and in more private intimate settings. Are you getting the ‘friend vibe’ when you are alone together or just around friends? Part of distinguishing her interest in you within the group, is for you to show your ‘more than friends’ attention and interest rather than waiting for her to initiate. Try putting your arm around her making your desire known in mild flirtation. If things are still unclear, it may be time for another talk.
Wizer is breaking through the stigma of seeking therapy, starting in San Francisco. On our app, we connect users with a personalized selection of therapists nearby, and make it easy to schedule an appointment. We see therapists like the personal trainers for our souls — just one more thing to add to our positive wellness routines. Ask our Wizer therapists anything anonymously here, and stay tuned for advice on our blog!
