For Men: New Year’s #MeToo Resolutions 2019
On the night before Christmas Eve, I went shopping at the local mall in Boynton Beach on a mission to find soup bowls for French Onion Soup. To make things go quicker, my boyfriend and I split up as he went to one store and I went to another. Neither of us expected me to be aggressively catcalled.
As I walked through the mall by myself, a man sat in the middle of a torn leather sofa with his legs spread open yelling at me “ head up grl!” I was the only “ girl “ in sight. In fact, there was no one in proximity. I could have turned around and gone towards the store, where my boyfriend was shopping. My back would have been to this catcaller. I opted to continue walking forward with my head up high because no man is going to make me look down. It also seemed safer to go into the store where I could see people walking around, even from a distance.
This was not the only time I was sexually harassed in 2018. There is a spectrum of sexual harassment and assault that occurs in varying degrees, as 2018 continued to show me. This year, I experienced my fair share of catcalling form strangers. I also faced some form of sexual harassment from men in my life.
Personal Life:
This year, I learned even men I thought of as a good friend could make a victim out of me. This “friend” sent me a video of himself taking care of his business. I am so embarrassed that this even happened to me, but I feel it is important to share. Men, this is never a good idea. Sending unwanted sexual pictures or videos is a form of sexual harassment, even though it is done through text messaging or social media. Being someone who believes that men and women can be just friends, incidents like this tend to force me to lean towards the belief that men and women can never be just friends. Then, I remind myself that I have many good friends who are men, who would never take such a video of themselves and send it to me or any female friend.
Professionally:
My victimization does not end there this past year. I started my own business this year and have had to deal with turning down potential clients because of unwanted sexual comments. I had to bite my tongue when a client made lewd jokes or directed an insulting comment towards me regarding my gender. Running your own business in the first year can be hard enough. Being a woman can make it even harder when you need to weigh standing up for yourself with keeping a client, so you can pay bills.
I had to deal with a man continuously flirting with me when I made clear his advances were unwanted. It continued to get worse as his comments shifted from harassing to threatening. He would say things like “I’m going to kiss you.” After feeling like my verbal complaints were being disregarded, I had to make a decision to avoid him in the future which became inconvenient for my income. Enough was enough!
Dating:
Now, let’s talk about my dating life before I met my boyfriend. I was subjected to various forms of harassment: being physically forceful, exposing themselves on a first date, or making vulgar comments. What makes each of these actions wrong is that they were unwelcome and unwanted. When I confronted a man once for his actions, he said that he thought that is what women wanted.
It is surprising that, even with the spread of the #MeToo movement, men are still harassing women on the street and in private.
As a society, we need to ask why. As men, you need to ask “Why.” As women, we are saying ENOUGH. If you haven’t heard, #MeToo.
Let’s recap a history of #MeToo.
#MeToo began in 2006 with one sexual assault survivor by the name of Tarana Burke. It wasn’t until a tweet in October 2017 that #MeToo started going viral after a tweet by Alyssa Milano. The Chicago Tribune timeline shows how the movement has unfolded, detailing the many women who have come forward since 2017 to fight sexual harassment and assault.
I am amazed at how widespread sexual harassment and assault continues despite the #MeToo movement.
Has it gotten better? Or had it gotten worse? In a way, I feel like it is far worse now than ever before.
Many women do not share their stories for a variety of reasons. Unlike the courage showed by women in the #MeToo movement, some women do not confront their harassers. This does not mean they do not have courage.
They show courage every day, in the different ways they decide to move forward.
So why did I not do something each time I was victimized this past year? There are a variety of reasons, but the most common one is my safety and concerns for paying rent and putting food in my mouth.
No woman should ever have to put her dignity second to surviving, but I did. I assume other women do too.
So, I am sharing my stories from 2018.
For those men who have some work to do, here is a list of some suggested resolutions this year:
#1 Read a book about the life of a woman that is written by a woman.
In a world where dialogue is predominately male, it is time to see the world from the female perspective. Consider reading a book from a survivor of sexual harassment or assault.
#2 Learn the difference between flirting and sexual harassment.
For instance, catcalling is not flirting. For the men who pass sexual remarks to women on the street, your comments are not welcome and do not feel like compliments. They make most of us feel like sexual objects.
#3 Reflect …
on your own behavior and find where on the spectrum of sexual harassment and assault it lies. Be brutally honest with yourself so you can be aware of how you may be a perpetrator yourself.
#4 Consent is sexy.
If there is something (sexually) you are interested in doing but you are not comfortable talking about it, then you should not even think of doing it. If you are less interested in the (sexual) action after talking about it, you should ask yourself what that says about you. Is it the activity or aspect of force that interests you? I suggest discussing the topic with a therapist, rather than forcing the “sexually explicit act” on a girl on a first date or on any occasion.
Sexual harassment and assault are never acceptable. In 2019, I ask all men to be mindful of how they can do better to ensure they never sexually harass or assault a woman.
I want to give a shout out to the amazing men out there who respect women every day, setting an example for other men on how they should be.
Be sure to check out my upcoming chat on this topic this weekend, starting December 28th on WriteSpike.com.
Remember to clap for all the men who are doing the right thing and for all the men willing to do better. Clapping for me too would be appreciated.
