#WomanCentered: NICOLE TILSON

How has having or not having children affected the overall trajectory of your life?

It’s hard to say exactly because I had my daughter so young, my life was not yet on a solid trajectory. Working my way through general education courses at community college, I suddenly found myself unemployed and single with a newborn baby and surviving on welfare. I had to seriously reconsider my life prospects … or I should say, consider ... because I had never really considered them previously. I didn’t get too much encouragement in that regard. In my family, college was an imperative for my brother, but no one had ever discussed it with my sister or me. All I knew at that point was that if I didn’t struggle to give my daughter the best life possible, I would be seen as the failure of the family. So I put all my own needs aside and focused only on getting my AA, holding down a minimum wage job, and just being a really good mom. I knew every effort I made in life would be limited by mothering responsibilities. After spending eight years in community college, I went on to get my Bachelors, but in a mediocre field. I didn’t have time, resources or the grades for a high-powered degree choice or a lot of extra-curricular activities, and my grades continued to suffer. Six years after graduating, I’m still working at my first living wage job with benefits, which may or may not lead to other gainful employment considering the current level of competition in the job market and my limitations as a single mom. Everything I’ve done in my adult life has been dulled and constrained by motherhood; my self-care habits and my appearance, my social life and social development, and thus my ability to secure quality relationships, romantic or otherwise. I sometimes wonder if, had I not became a mom so young and single, maybe I would be working my dream job filing class action lawsuits and defending people in rural communities, but then, I remember that, had I not become a mom, I probably would not have gained much consciousness of the existence of other people beyond myself. For all the things I sacrificed in life prospects, I gained in perspective. Becoming a mom allowed me to develop compassion, a nurturing spirit, and a sense of ambition. Through motherhood, I’ve gained a sort of mental clarity which has brought me to the realization that doing hugely important things in life is not as important as just living truthfully … and allowing others to do the same.

Do you feel pressure to fulfill an idea of womanhood that may/may not correspond to who you actually are? If so, please describe.

Of course, but I am on a continuous quest to try to separate the femininity that feels natural to me from the femininity that is imposed by society. I’ve always been good at avoiding things like manicures, fad diets, champagne, high heels, and girly magazines. But I haven’t been able to avoid the pressure to be sexy and flirtatious and willing to please men. Because I have had rare occasion to experience the feeling of being powerful in my interactions with others, practicing power through sexual mystique is exhilarating for me. But it is, in our society, the only popularly accepted route for women to establish power. I’ve begun taking small steps toward establishing other kinds of power, starting with, taking a break from dating men, focusing on my relationships with females, developing upper body strength and agility, and permanently declining to shave my underarms (something that, when paired with a tank top while developing upper body strength and agility in male-dominated spaces, produces a glorious sensation of liberation). Overall, I’m just down to make up my own mind about what is feminine and to push the boundaries of the concept of “womanhood” without altering my gender identity. I desire the ability to, for example, just sit back, spread out, chug a beer, talk dirty, accept no bullshit, flirt with other women, and still feel proud to be a woman.

The other thing I want to say about “ideas of womanhood” is regarding the perceptions of motherhood more specifically. According to my family, when you produce offspring, you sacrifice your claim to personhood. A good mom must always do what is absolutely best for her child even if it is not at all best for herself. My mother, who taught me to be a good mother, is the main culprit behind this notion. When I say I don’t want anything for my birthday except compliments, all she can do is tell me I’m a good mom. If I feel depressed, she worries only about the effect it will have on my daughter. I want to be asked how I am doing, not how is my daughter doing. I want to be invited to get-togethers because people want me there, not because they want me to bring my daughter, charming though she is. Don’t get me wrong, I love my kid more than life itself, and I would do anything for her, but I don’t want to feel as though my ultimate destiny is to live as a shadow caretaker. I want to be a separate entity. I have yet to determine if this conundrum is self-inflicted or socially imposed.

Do you have advice for other women regarding birth control methods that worked well or didn’t work well for you?

Always research the side effects before choosing any method by checking out online health forums. I got an IUD and then spent several months not knowing why I was depressed and had terrible acne, and this partly is what caused a great relationship to fail. Also, don’t trust Plan B, it’s why I have a kid.

In 2016, openly discussing one’s reproductive choices is still considered taboo, why do you suppose more women aren’t having these conversations?

When I found out my coworker was pregnant last year, I asked her if she was going to have it, so as not to be presumptuous. She balked at the question, and said yes, of course. So then I asked her if she was going to keep it. Again she was taken aback and said yes, of course and why would I do anything else? So, I congratulated her and immediately started making plans for a baby quilt. But, I think her surprise and apparent offense at these questions stems from the fact that we have allowed men, and very unsympathetic women, and religious notions, to dominate the conversation around reproductive choices. Even a non-religious, progressively-minded young woman may take offense to the suggestion that she might abort or give up her child. I think this is because the discourse has implanted deep in our psyche that anything other than the “mothering” choice in the event of an accidental conception is pure evil, sub-human even. A woman who does not behave like a mother obviously lacks all of the qualities of a human woman: compassion, nurturing, a desire to serve. Thus, she is not even human. In another space and time we’d probably think about it totally different.