#WomanCentered: RAYA LEARY

How has having or not having children affected the overall trajectory of your life?

That’s really difficult to comment on. I don’t have children, but it’s hard to imagine how my life has been different because of that. I don’t believe parenthood to be a singular experience, it’s more of a spectrum, and because of that it’s almost impossible to typify the impact of that experience on your life’s trajectory.

Do you feel pressure to fulfill an idea of womanhood that may/may not correspond to who you actually are? If so, please describe.

Absolutely. Both the popular idea of womanhood and the idea(s) my partner/friends/family have of womanhood have influenced my personal relationship to it. Those ideas come in the form of the physical and the characteristic.

The physical are things like weight or the ideal body proportions, pubic hair (or lack thereof) the size and shape of my nose, the texture and length of my hair, the symmetry, size and shape of my breasts.

The characteristics are ways of being that I feel pressured to exhibit. Things like a consistently positive demeanor (even in the face of injustice, inappropriate behavior or harsh criticism), avoiding emotion and sentimentality, and being confident (but never too confident).

In innumerable ways, both society at-large and those close to me have compared me to whatever standards they hold regarding the above, and that pressure attempts (sometimes successfully) to separate me from my own womanhood.

Do you have advice for other women regarding birth control methods that worked well or didn’t work well for you?

When I first became sexually active, I was using condoms alone. A few months later, one broke during use, and I had a terribly judgmental experience getting Plan B from the drug store. After that, I did some research and decided to get an IUD (shout-out to Planned Parenthood for installing mine free of cost!)

I got the copper IUD, and I can’t say enough good things about it. It’s been 6 years and I’ve never had a single problem. But it’s definitely not for everyone, so do your research!

In 2016, openly discussing one’s reproductive choices is still considered taboo, why do you suppose more women aren’t having these conversations?

I think reproductive choices are intrinsically linked to sexual choices, and our society is still very uncomfortable with woman talking (and making informed decisions) about sex and whether or not to have children.

For example, look at the actions of Washington State Representative Mary Dye on Planned Parenthood’s Teen Lobbying Day. The teens were there to talk about access to birth control and the conversation became about their personal sexual activity. There’s so much morality ascribed to women’s sexuality that it stifles our ability to have those conversations with one another.

Where are you on the continuum of self-love? On a scale of 1 to 10 (10 being Kanye West), how much do you love yourself and how do you reinforce and/or improve this?

I would say I’m at a steady 7. I’m very comfortable with myself, but I don’t know if I truly love myself yet. Getting to this point took a lot of work. It started with acceptance, not just of myself but of complexity. Of the idea that you can like who you are without being blind to your flaws and stalling your own personal growth.

After that it’s about broadening. Broadening your idea of what it means to be everything you are and everything you represent. And once you’ve made that vast, open space for yourself, you occupy however much or little of it feels right and comfortable to you.

This way, you’ve given yourself not only the space to exist but the fluidity to change.

If you could go back in time and give your younger self some vital information or critical education about your body, your overall wellness, or your reproductive health, what your advice be?

The most critical advice I could give myself would be: Trust yourself. You know your body better than anyone, don’t let anyone convince you otherwise.