Amended Marriage Questions for Lesbian Couples
Topic A) Cherished Memory
Straight: What was your wedding like?
Lesbian: Someone wears a dress and another a tux, right? To mirror straight couples? Isn’t that why you all wanted gay marriage? To be like straight couples?
Straight: Was it hard to find a venue you liked?
Lesbian: Was it hard to find a venue that accepted you?
Straight: What church did you choose?
Lesbian: Did you find a welcoming church?
Straight: Was your wedding big?
Lesbian: Did your parents go? Is there a gay Bible? Is there some sort of specific gay wedding ritual that all gays decided on specifically for gay marriage? Like a bar-mitzvah or a quinceañera? Do you douse a rainbow flag in holy water or something?
Topic B) Family Planning
Straight: Are you going to have kids?
Lesbian: How are you going to have kids?
Straight: How many kids do you want?
Lesbian: Are you going to use one of those turkey baster things? I mean, it’d have to be a medical grade turkey baster, right? Do they have those for lesbians? I’m assuming it’s like a long eye dropper. How many drops would you need though? Is it like sprinkling paprika or watering a plant? They should call them Lasters. Wouldn’t that be funny?!
Straight: Do you want boys or girls?
Lesbian: Or are you going to do that IVU thing? IUV? Is that the same as an IUD? There so many letters!! You’re all about letters though, you and your community.
Straight: When do you plan on having them?
Lesbian: Are you going to ask someone you know for sperm? Do you think a sperm donation is something that you could put as volunteer work on your resume? I mean, it’s a Good Samaritan choice, right? Like joining the Peace Corps. Or kind of like a flip on volunteering at Planned Parenthood. Can you tax write-off sperm? I mean, that sort of makes sense. Can you shop for sperm on Amazon?
Topic C) Residential Inquiries
Straight: Where do you live?
Lesbian: Are you accepted where you live? Our neighbor’s cousin is gay and whenever he goes there for Christmas, I make sure to say hi and catch up on any gay life updates. I always tell him that he should work for Queer Eye. His shirts are always tucked in.
Straight: Do you like your neighbors?
Lesbian: Do your neighbors stare?
Straight: Do you like your neighborhood?
Lesbian: Are you worried that they’ll stare? Not that I would stare. I just wonder if that’s something you worry about. I can relate to those concerns — I’m so anxious walking to my car when there’s dirt on the wheels. That’s similar, right?
