How I learnt to be resilient and the 7 steps every millennial female leader should take
“It’s a Kawasaki GPZ1100”, I tell them, feeling chuffed I knew something about what they were interested in. But I remember the feeling vividly as the boys in my class make loud mocking sounds as they challenged my knowledge of my boyfriend’s motorbike.
I have a terrible habit of thinking about something that takes me on one hell of a journey, to the point I almost can’t remember where I started. Oh yes, that’s it: “I need to write a blog post”. But I’m struggling to think of something. I should be sleeping but I’ve just been woken from a deep sleep by a call from work. Something’s broken!! So I phone the on-call incident manager and start the process to get it fixed. It’s all done pretty quickly but I’m now wide awake.
Trying to work backwards, I’ve rediscovered the start of the train of thought. Recently I sat on a panel for a Circle Community event. Always nervous before speaking, I pace the room saying “hi” to some folks but keep moving, doing a full lap of the room before leaving to compose myself.
The panel starts. I’m enjoying the questions and the ability to add something to the conversation. Sometimes I’m at odds in my experience with the panellists, but that’s a good thing. I used to fear that, but now I quite like it. I can add an extra dimension. I sometimes get mild disagreement, other times a point of view that continues to take the discussion even further. I’m enjoying the vibe in the room. But more than that, as I listen to the questions, I’m in awe of the amazing women in the room that have found a place to be vulnerable, to wonder, to be curious and to be free.
The effect of school on me and the experiences I’ve had trying to fit in or engage with people is hard to shake off. I’ve spent a lifetime being nervous about what I say in case I sound stupid. I rarely asked questions. But I’m a big observer of people and I listen a lot.
I’ve made a habit of staying quiet. I wish I could have had the courage to ask questions without feeling I’d be laughed at. I wish I’d had the opportunity to meet like-minded people hungry to learn. However, I’m not one to dwell on the past. I always look forward.
One of my mantras is “as one door closes, another one opens”. Sometimes I find myself in the middle of a very large “room” and I’m happy to stay there. There have been other times when I needed that door to open up quickly or the room to be small. But I always move forward. I keep going.
I proceed until apprehended — another of my favourite mantras.
The opportunities for introverts or young female wannabe leaders in today’s climate is just what I would have wanted all those years ago. Moving from command and control management styles, smashing hierarchies and working in inclusive cultures where fear of failure is being eradicated — it’s empowering to everyone. There has never been a better time to be a female leader. There has never been a better time to be a female leader working in tech.
I’ve been on a journey passing through doors, never looking back. Until now, I’ve never needed to take a look back. I realise that as I get involved in more networking events and share my experiences, I’m often asked about my journey. As I take a peek back over my shoulder, along the road I’ve travelled, I realise how much I’ve been through, how much I’ve changed and how much the world around me has adapted. I’m now in a place where I can reflect on my past and share some amazing experiences and some not-so-wonderful. But hey, that’s life!
If just one person takes something positive away from my experiences, that’s another young leader opening their mind to opportunity.
I’m toying with the idea “should I just get up and write this?” No! I’ll never get back to sleep. But if I use my Chromebook and Voice Typing in Google docs I can knock this up in no time. But I feel so sleepy and I really don’t want to get out of my warm bed. I then try my usual technique of reciting words over and over in my head, hoping to remember them in the morning.
As I slowly succumb to a deep slumber, I hope I can remember what I was thinking when I wake up.
The power of feedback, mentors, networks and continuous learning can’t be underestimated.
You never stop learning. You should never stop learning. You should adapt and change as much as is necessary to be a better you.
So for all you wannabe leaders, remember not only are you trying to be a good leader you’re also trying to bring out the best in other people as individuals and as a group (whether that’s your team or an indirect /matrixed team). In Lean In, Sheryl Sandberg says “we need to shift from thinking ‘I’m not ready to do that’ to thinking ‘I want to do that and I’ll learn by doing it’”. No-one is perfect and no-one comes to work to do a bad job. There is something truly wonderful when you make the decision to change, whether that’s to learn a new skill or change your own behaviour.
I recently read The Courage to Be Disliked by Ichiro Kishimi and Fumitake Koga. At a time when there is fake news, hatred and pressure from social media and with so many of us trying to free ourselves from the pressures of everyday life, this book provides a sense of mindfulness about managing interpersonal relationships. It’s a fascinating insight into personal psychology and philosophy.
I was struck by the idea that you don’t act or feel a certain way because of events in your past, you choose to. You use your past or other circumstances to justify the behaviour. Think of it this way. You didn’t perform poorly in school because your teachers didn’t like you. You chose not to perform well at school and you’re blaming it on your teachers.
You may have chosen your lifestyle subconsciously when you were young, but you chose it. So if you can choose once, you can choose again.
You also can’t control what other people think of you, so why worry about it? So approach relationships with unconditional trust, which in itself requires self-acceptance. If you’re comfortable in your own skin and control what you can control, nothing else matters.
Both those aspects reaffirmed the coaching advice I received from the wonderful Vicky Beeching. I realised from our conversations, that I have been holding myself back because I chose to. I used my past experiences to justify my setbacks and the circumstances I found myself in.
But I think most of all, resilience is key. It's the ability to bounce back from adversity. Asking and sharing helps develop emotional coping skills, build supportive relationships to be able to adapt, learn and navigate through tough times.
Seven steps to learn & change
- Understand yourself: get yourself on at least one course to understand yourself. Whether that’s Belbin types, Myers-Briggs or Colour Works Insights, to name a few. If your company runs leadership courses get yourself on one. If they don’t, ask them how you can get on one.
- Understand others: use your new-found knowledge once you’ve understood yourself, to understand your team. Consider also what are their learning styles. This will help you start your journey on better teamwork, but remember not everyone will be as open as you in exploring or being vulnerable.
- Find a mentor, preferably someone you can relate to. Be clear about how you want the relationship to work and your goals.
- Talk to friends, phone a friend, ask the audience! Sometimes a friend can be the best person to reflect back your thoughts, they don’t need to understand your business, but a dose of common sense and an ability to get an instant safe reaction will keep your confidence levels high.
- Stop being a people pleaser. When there are horizontal relationships in play, where you treat those around you as your comrade rather than your enemy, you’re more able to be receptive of the feedback you’ll receive, less likely to take offence. You can’t be everybody’s friend or a people pleaser.
- Build resilience. If you believe you can’t, then you won’t. You’ll be held back by your own frustration and anger. Have confidence in yourself. Building resilience takes time. Sharing your thoughts or exploring feelings through other peoples experience will help you realise, it’s unlikely you’re the only one wondering “am I good enough?” — even Michelle Obama asked herself that in her book Becoming.
- Change your habit. Your thoughts can lead to a self-fulfilling prophecy. Understand when your thought or behaviour becomes a habit and what has triggered it. Much like using the habit of using your past or other circumstances to justify behaviours, Kate Morgan’s article on Breaking Bad Habits suggests that “emotional response is a tough thing to change, but it can be done”. So find your way to change your habit or your behaviour.
“We need to accept that we won’t always make the right decisions, that we’ll screw up royally sometimes – understanding that failure is not the opposite of success, it’s part of success”. Arianna Huffington
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Check out the Community Circle video taken of the panel discussion I’m a Manager… now what?.
