Mothers of Silicon Valley
By Clarissa Bukhan
I was 8 months pregnant with my first child when I got the call from a recruiter, asking if I’d be interested in a dream job at Google.
I decided to be upfront about my upcoming maternity leave and to my surprise, I was still invited to proceed with the interviews. I waddled into Google’s headquarters in Mountain View, sporting a loose-fitting black blouse, because if I couldn’t hide the fact that I was pregnant, at least I could avoid drawing attention to it. To make a long-ish story short, I got the offer with a delayed start date for after my maternity leave, and I was thrilled. What I couldn’t anticipate was how drastically life would change over the next few months and what it really meant to sign up for a new job immediately after becoming a new mom.
The baby arrived, and she was a screamer. She cried constantly and when she did sleep, she would only do so in our arms. My husband and I slept in 3 hour shifts for the first few weeks, taking turns holding her as she slept.
Accompanying the severe sleep deprivation was the steep learning curve of new parenthood — figuring out how best to keep the baby fed, developing bedtime routines, strategizing nap and feeding schedules, changing diapers, sterilizing bottles, the work was relentless — around the clock, day in and day out.
Four months later, when my maternity leave came to an end, the work didn’t stop, it just shifted. Suddenly I was navigating my way around a new company, learning new products, building trust with new colleagues, while having to stop to pump every 3 hours during the day and waking up twice during the night to feed the baby.
What I learned is this — the paradox of motherhood is that it is at once the most rewarding work of your life and the most thankless.
There is simply nothing more rewarding or fulfilling to your sense of purpose than seeing your child laugh, run to you for comfort, and gain independence as they develop into their own person. And yet, there’s no gratification for managing complex school drop offs, wrestling a tantrum-ing toddler into a carseat, dragging yourself out of bed to pump in the middle of the night, scheduling doctor’s appointments, haircuts, and visits to grandma, washing bottles, bibs, and paint off of pants, and all of the other minutiae that make up the real day-to-day work of motherhood.
Those of us who choose to do this work in the context of Silicon Valley, while working “day” jobs in the male-dominated industries of technology and entrepreneurship, face an even more unique set of challenges. We combat the relentless stereotype that mothers don’t prioritize their careers. We confront the guilt of not devoting the majority of our time to our children. We constantly strive to find a balance that allows us to feel fulfillment in both our tech work and our mom work.
This Mother’s Day, we’d like to celebrate by sharing a glimpse into the lives of some of the Mothers of Silicon Valley.
On finding your own balance:
“One of the biggest challenges I’ve faced as a mom is being a primary breadwinner and balancing my career growth with my desire to “be there” for my kids.
I stayed at home with my oldest daughter for the first year and it broke me down mentally. Spending 16 hours a day alone with my daughter in a tiny apartment took me to a mentally dark place. I loved her so much and wanted to be there for her, but I felt so isolated.
My husband and I talked through everything and we decided that I needed to go back to work to get that mentally-stimulating adult conversation that I craved. Ever since then, we’ve made my career a priority because my success results in the family’s success. We get a lot of commentary from friends and family about our “non-traditional” dynamic, and sometimes the words sting… but I’ve learned to protect the peace of my family and tune out the rest.”
Lissa Jonsson, Staffing Channels Specialist, Google
“I went back to work 8 weeks after I had my son. I love working, he loves his daycare, and we needed the money, but I felt really guilty nonetheless. I was over-sensitive to offhand comments from Canadian or European friends about how I could possibly do this, didn’t I feel guilty, etc., and the postpartum emotional rollercoaster didn’t help.
I overcame it with a lot of help from a super supportive husband and wonderful, empowered female friends. I learned to compensate by being uber-present whenever I was with my son, which made me feel happy and proud. I still feel guilty at times, like when I travel for work or talk to people whose lives are structured differently, but having a kid also taught me to be a little more satisfied with imperfection, and a little more comfortable with the fact that there’s no “right” way to be a parent.”
Alexa Schirtzinger, Head of Content Marketing, Google
“I’m really proud of the advocate that I’ve become for my son.
He was diagnosed with high functioning autism at age three. (He’s now 5.) I have a demanding job (which I love) but basically have another full-time job not only being a mother, but being a mother of a kid with some special needs. That means doing everything from getting him the right services and therapies to fighting insurance companies when they won’t cover them, to attending IEP meetings, and of course, just finding the time to give him the attention he needs. All the while, I am doing my day job (which turns into a night and weekend job sometimes) and doing it well, so that I can grow professionally and so that the company can grow profitably.”
Kathryn Flouton, VP Product Innovation and Sourcing, NatureBox
“Balancing work priorities vs family priorities is a constant struggle — do I attend a networking event at night or do I go home and have dinner with my family? Do I work through my inbox after dinner or do I spend time with my kids? What helps is to establish clear boundaries for myself and give myself permission to make an exception should one need to be made. I try not to let guilt eat me up if I decide to put more time into my work, and not to beat myself up when I can’t “perform” to the same level as I did before I had kids.”
Cathy Yip, Head of Cloud Partner Engineering, Alliances Program, Google
On facing challenges & taking risks:
“I had to let go of my mom this past year. She had been battling cancer for the past 1.5 years and her prognosis had declined.
The last time that I visited her was in late November at a local hospital where she had been an inpatient. She had just suffered a stroke and lost the ability to move, speak or breathe on her own. Most of her mental and physical capacities were nonexistent. She wasn’t capable of making choices for herself anymore, so many of her medical care decisions had to be made by me, as her next of kin. It was odd having the roles reversed, since I’d become so accustomed to having her take on the responsibility of caretaker.
Around early December her doctor had asked for my consent to mandate a DNR. It’s medical term short for “Do Not Resuscitate” and would advise any medical professional in her care to not perform CPR in the case that her heart stopped. It essentially allows for death to naturally occur for terminally ill patients who aren’t likely to survive. It was by far the most challenging decision I ever had to make — both ethically and emotionally. Cancer really took a toll on her mind and body. She was under a lot of distress the last few months. Ultimately, I decided to agree and signed the papers. She was moved to a hospice a few hours later. She died the next day.
If she had been in my place and I in hers, I know she would have done the same.
The aftermath of her passing weighed on me. I thought we would have more time. I felt like our journey of motherhood and daughterhood was stinted. I felt like we had lost out in a lot of future experiences with one another. There were many milestones I thought we’d now never be able to have together. It led me to wonder how I would reach womanhood without a mother to guide me.
But, recently, I stumbled upon some of the old, unopened voicemail messages she used to send me. Some of them date back all the way to my first few years of high school. I started playing them back to myself just to hear her voice but I’ve started to realize just how valuable they are:
“Remember to check-in with your siblings more often.”
“Don’t forget to file your taxes.”
“Let me know if you need any pocket money.”
“I’m so proud of you.”
“Did you set up a follow-up appointment with your allergist?”Those messages remind me that motherhood doesn’t necessarily end at death. It dawned on me that there are so many lessons and teachings that she had already passed down to me. Those teachings are things that I continue to improve upon, embody and potentially pass on in the future. I noticed that she always ended her messages to me with “I love you.” I still have a hard time comprehending how unwavering, unconditional, and undying Motherly love is.”
Folasade Ade-Banjo, Associate Product Marketing Manager, Content at Google
“My son experienced very severe pain for extended periods of time for nearly a year due to undetected seizures. Ensuring that he was comfortable felt like the most basic thing that I should be able to do as his mother, and yet I felt entirely helpless in eliminating the pain. The support from my husband and the rest of my family was critical in getting through that period. It felt like there really wasn’t an alternative beyond taking it one day at a time, so I just tried to keep moving.”
Elizabeth Reid, VP of Engineering, Local & Location, Google
“The biggest challenge I’ve faced was experiencing severe Postpartum Depression shortly after having my second daughter, Lillia.
At the most challenging part of that experience, I was severely ill, and it was incredibly frightening to not have a firm handle on how to advocate for myself, and by extension, my daughter, because I was temporarily not of sound mind.
As a result, I had to rely much more on my family and close friends than I typically would have. I consider myself to be a very logical person, but my ability to reach out to those who I needed to support me most wasn’t so much a product of my ability to understand what help I needed, but my own intuition (however dwarfed compared to my mental illness) to reach out in any way possible. Perhaps not an illustrative answer as to how I reached out to get the help I needed, but I consider it serendipitous or just sheer good fortune.
Ultimately, take a chance on faith: faith in yourself, faith in others, faith in things to unfold in your favor especially when you don’t quite know how to make something you desperately need happen.”
Yasmin J. Mattox, Founder & CEO, Arkatecht
“I was 5 months pregnant and living in NYC when Google reached out to me to see if I would be interested in a new role on their Policy team — in San Francisco.
My first thought was, “If only this could have happened when I wasn’t pregnant!” but I decided not to hold myself back.
I took a chance and Google took a chance on me. I joined the team right before going on maternity leave and as my leave came to an end, my family and I (with our newborn) moved across the country.
Starting a new job, in a new place, with a new baby, was a huge challenge — but I did it and I’m so glad that I pushed myself to go for it.”
Maryam Mujica, Counsel, Public Policy & Government Relations, Google
“Seeing my fears in the face is my biggest challenge, so I am slowly trying to face each one head on to get over them. For example, I was always shy, introverted, and believed that I could never dance, but now I teach Danceation, a high intensity routine mix of Hip Hop and other dance forms, to complete strangers. When I walk into the room, I fill the room and myself with confidence. Fears are nothing but stories in one’s head and taking baby steps to overcome them really helps.”
Sameera Gutta, Product Specialist, YouTube
“I am from a small town where a woman’s role in life is to get married and do housework. I had to set myself apart from other kids in my town to ensure that I wouldn’t be diverted away from my goal, which was to make a difference in society. I studied hard, so I didn’t do much housework and I wasn’t very good at it. My parents did all the work so that I could stay focused, and I can never repay that debt to them.
My relatives would taunt me saying, ‘Oh, our daughter does so much work at home, she cooks, cleans, etc. you don’t know how to do any of that?’ I would just nod. My parents and I had to hear a lot of this talk until I finally proved myself, by getting into the best college in our state. After that, people started asking us for advice on how to get what I had achieved. Now, I’m glad that I was able to prove what women are capable of accomplishing, this has changed the mentality of many in my town.”
Shruti Mahajan, Software Engineer, Google
On finding career fulfillment:
“In 2014, I was expecting my first baby and feeling very restless in my role as a Software Engineer, a job I had loved for almost 7 years. I realized that I really wanted to try a new career path and product management was what my heart was really after.
A few months after I came back to work from maternity leave, I spoke to my manager about pursuing a product management position. I started off by signing up for any and all small tasks that the Lead PM on my team was willing to assign to me, while juggling my regular engineering responsibilities, and nursing a new baby.
After 7 months of hard work, I got the Product Manager role that I had been longing for. Though I had been a Lead Engineer with 8 years of experience, I took a Product Manager role meant for someone with 2 years of experience. The title did not matter to me; I was finally a Product Manager and I was thrilled to have that opportunity.
Today, I am almost 2 years into my PM role and love it. It’s never too late to go after a new career path, all it takes is passion and perseverance.”
Shalini Rathnavel, Senior Product Manager, Oracle
“Career development was a challenge for me recently. I got to a place where I felt stuck and I wasn’t feeling inspired. After becoming a mom, it became even more important for me to feel good about how I was spending the time that I had to be away from my kids, so when it became clear that I wasn’t growing in my career, I started having conversations with more senior women and men that I look up to. Everyone had different advice and perspectives to offer, which I found extremely helpful. Luckily, I was able to change roles and join a team that I had already been working closely with. It feels really good to be spending my time on something that I’m passionate about with a leadership team that has the same priorities.”
Christina Chiou Yeh, Product Strategy and Marketing Lead, Google Registry, Google
“Two years after I started dating my husband, Jorge, we found out that he had testicular cancer. He went through an operation and chemotherapy, and after his treatment, his doctor said that it would be hard, if not impossible, for him to have kids due to this condition and his low sperm count.
A year later, I decided that it was time to pursue my dream of doing an MBA in the US. However, a couple of days before the application deadline, I found out that I was pregnant. It was a tough moment in my life. I was just 24 years old, starting out my professional career, and had dreams that I thought would have never been possible if I had a child. However, we decided to keep Emma because we believed it might have been our only chance to have our own child.
Emma was born in July 2014 and the first few months were exhausting. The responsibility of looking out for another human being while working was overwhelming, and I told my husband that I wanted to quit to take care of our child. Jorge reminded me that I had dreams before choosing to have a family, and those dreams didn’t have to change.
I decided to re-apply to business school, with a completely different mindset, which I’m sure changed the outcome. I worked during the day, came home at night to breastfeed every couple of hours, and wrote my essays while breastfeeding. I got accepted to 5 of the 6 schools that I applied to and a couple of months later, we moved as a family to start a new life in Chicago, so I could pursue my MBA. The following three years have been an amazing adventure, where I’ve grown intellectually, professionally, and personally. I’ve been able to balance all these changes while raising a child who has grown to be an amazing and loving 4 year old. The moment I decided that I wouldn’t give up ended up being the most important decision I’ve made in my life.”
Valerie Angelkos, Product Marketing Manager, Google
