The Story of a White, CIS Gender, Straight, Able Bodied, Intersectional liberal feminist mole.
How writers block forced me to truly recognise my privilege, and what I intend to do with it…
Full disclosure — in case you hadn’t already worked it out I’m a; liberal, Intersectional feminist, and I write about subjects surrounding these topics. However recently I found myself inexplicably unable to write about anything, and it wasn’t for lack of issues to write about (last time I checked sexism is still alive and well).
For someone who loves to write, and uses it as a tool for self-analysis, connecting with people and understanding ideas and the world around me, not being able to write for such an extended period of time has been both frustrating and upsetting.
The good news is (as you may also have guessed) I finally think I have been able to work out why, and so dear reader(s) I have returned to the page, to write (!!) about why I couldn’t write….and how unpicking those reason helped me to learn about my role in society as an intersectional feminist, my desire vs my ability to influence an audience, and a whole lot of privilege recognition.
I will begin at the beginning.
Aforementioned It all started with a really bad case of writers block….
Over the last 9 months I have been unable to write anything beyond a basic txt or a work e-mail. I would think of an idea, some issue that was bothering me or some concept that I found interesting, and I would sit at my desk, an idea would start to form, some semblance of an outline for an article would emerge, I would feel excited and inspired, then I would go online.
Instantly I would be greeted with links to 10 other articles already written, all saying the same thing, which so happened to be the exact thing I was so excited to write about. So I would stop and feeling frustrated and slightly dejected, move away from the keyboard. After all why bother saying what has already been said?
This kept happening, and each time it made me feel worst. I couldn’t understand what was wrong, surely I should be happy that these topics are being discussed, and that there are people out there who feel the same way I do. Surely I wasn’t upset just because I hadn’t thought of it first, could I be being that childish? After all I liked to think (up until this point) that it was the message and the ideas that were most important. If if they were getting out there, making a difference, then it didn’t matter who was saying it. The important thing was that it was being said.
So what was wrong with me, why did I feel so rubbish, and why did my writers block continue.
In frustration I turned my thoughts away from ideas for articles, having recognised that whatever I wanted to say had no doubt already been written. I started to think about what the real reason behind my troubles was, I went back to my original question of “Why do people bother saying what’s already been said? “ and I really thought about it.
Why do people bother saying what’s already been said? And it’s not just a few people — why are so many people writing about the same things? And why did all this feminist writing, instead of making me feel supported and inspired actually just leave me feeling crap.
I surmised it had to be (in the most part) for the following reasons:
- The reason so many people is within this community are writing about all of these issues is because there exist a feeling of frustration, dissatisfaction and anger with the statuesque, that is leading them to seek an out let to share their voice through articles online.
- Coupled with that (based on what I have read) there is a strong underlying hope that by doing this things might change for the better.
However,
- because people keep writing about the same things, over and over again, one can make the assumption that that these feelings of frustration and dissatisfaction are still there.
- This probably means nothing has changed enough for the need for an outlet to go away. And so people keep writing.
From all of the above, we can further infer that these feminist articles that we are all writing are not solving the problems, or at least not fast enough, because if they were they would not be being written.
Example — no one would need to write about how horrible sexism in the work place is, if there was no sexism in the work place. And there wouldn’t be so many articles on the issue of the gender pay gap if there wasn’t one…. (you get the idea)
**NB: I am aware that the reason that people write is complicated and will be different for every person, and that not all feminist writing is based around a desire to “fix” things, it can be a platform for support and awareness as well, but for the sake of this article this is my focus and was the reason for me feeling the way that I did**
If this is the case, then I had to ask myself the following further questions;
1) Why are these articles not making more of an impact?
2) What if anything, should I/ could I do about it?
The first question seemed easy to answer — the reason that these articles, despite (for the most part) presenting reason, well researched and fact filled arguments about feminist issues, (like the gender pay gap) are not making the intended real world impact, is because the type of person who is going to read an article about the gender pay gap, is either already feminist, in which case they don’t need convincing of this particular view point, or they are an internet troll who has done a key word search and is now going to throw random insults and rape threats at you (#fuckingpatriarchy). This person is not looking to understand your argument and you have little or no influencing power over them.
So what we have been creating is a liberal feminist echo chamber, where our thoughts and ideas (as brilliant as they might be) are never going to reach the audience who’s mind we are trying to change.
So what then?
Should I give up, stop writing, delude myself into believing that it is enough to simply “think feminist” Should I limit my need to express my general disgust about how large parts of society are treated, to boozy rants around the dinner table with my other equally as outraged liberal friends. Which although my make me feel better, and may do the job of further emphasising how “open minded” and “progressive” I am to my nearest and dearest. In fact does no good to those people on whose behalf I am so enraged, (or indeed the wider community as a whole).
For a long while this had me stuck bashing my head against a metaphorical wall. Giving myself a very real headache and getting me absolutely nowhere. how to reach this illusive “other” the world of religious extremist, anti-feminist, sexist, racists and (often very angry) ultra-conservative? Whatever mental gymnastics I preform I kept continuously hitting that wall. Iron casts in 100,s of years of: patriarchy, racism, class divides, religious separation, economic barriers and all the shitty long establish, deeply ingrained and so often denied social constructs that have sought to divide us up and systematically oppresses huge populations of the human race….**and breath**
And then it came to me (in a fortune cookie of all places) I was sitting at the table over a Chinese take away with my parents, not really even thinking about feminism (shock) just quietly shovelling Singapore noodles into my mouth, when my dad chucked a fortune cookie at my head. I opened it up (face still full o’ noodle) and read the following “Sun Tzu said “Know thy self, know they enemy”.
And it hit me. If I was to break out of the feminist echo chamber (and actually be heard) I needed to do what Sun Tuz said. I needed to “know my enemy”. I had to stop looking at all the ways in which I was different from the people I was trying to influence and start looking at all the ways in which I was the same.
I was on the right path! But it wasn’t necessarily going to be easy….
The first set to knowing my enemy was going to be (as the fortune cookie told me) to “know thy self”. So I took a long look in that old metaphorical mirror, and try to, instead of recognising myself not as a women who suffers the oppression of patriarchy, sexism, sexual violence, less pay etc. etc. I had to start identifying and really recognising myself through the lens of all the ways in which I am privileged. The lens of All the ways in which I am not an outsider looking in, but an insider looking out.
So I looked, and looking back at me I saw the following;
- I am white
- I am CIS gendered
- I am straight
- I am British
- I am upper-middle class
- I was privately educated
- I am able bodied
- I am a women under 40
- English is my first language
Basically I am drowning in privilege….
Once I had laid bare my privilege, and started to truly acknowledge it, rather than only seeing the world through the disadvantages I face as being a women. The next question I had was, what should I do with it. I had seen my enemy in myself and now I needed to work out how to use this to my advantage.
The undercover feminist
What I realised quickly is that a huge part of the influencing and mind changing I have been trying to do, has been from a position of “outsider”. I have been wearing my female, feminist, liberal hat, banging on the wall of Patriarchy, trying to do anything, (literally fucking anything) to make even the smallest chip in the concert.
I’ve been trying to get into a party full of people that at the very least are indifferent to my cause, and at the worst hate and fear me. I’ve been using my disadvantage as my tool’s for change, which once I had realised how much advantages I have quickly started to seem stupid.
People might not want to listen to me as a women, or a liberal or a feminist. But they might well want to listen to me as a white person, or as a privately educated person, or an able bodied person, or a CIS gendered straight person.
Finally a way in, I had found a crack in the fucking wall!
So what am I going to do with my new found position of influence?
Firstly I fully recognise that I will never be able to speak for; Trans, gay , less abled people, immigrants or people of colour. They have their own voice that speaks of their own particular experiences.
But what I can offer to them is an ally, a secret agent, a white, CIS, Straight, able bodied intersectional liberal feminist mole! A secret mouth piece from which to tell their story as they want it told, within a circle of privilege that by the very virtue of being exactly who they are, they might never have access to.
Because the honest and upsetting truth is; white people talk about people of colour when they are not in the room, the way men talk about women when they are not in the room. As do straight people and CIS people and “upper middle class people” and non-immigrants.
Because all that deep seeded and ingrained; racism, sexism, zenaphobia, homophobia and all the other “Ism’s” and “Phobia’s” you can think of, even in the most progressive of societies still trickles under the surface, un-challenged and un-checked. (#notallwhitepeople #notallmen)
in the absence of these other voices, and often being the only align invited to the party, to all those not on the list, to all those outside shouting in the street, trying to get in, trying to be heard, I support you. I am with you, and I promise to speak the fuck up.
I promise not to laugh off “casual racism”, (because there is never anything casual about it!), I promise to question, and challenge and push for change in every space that you are not welcome in. I promise to act, in the best way I am able, as your voice, your representative in a world that you are not recognised in.
I promise to push with every part of my privilege, that I gained through no other means than the pure accident of my birth, to break down this stupid fucking wall. Because I don’t want to go to a party where everyone isn’t invited, and I will happily throw my privilege out of the window to make things better, for those who can’t make things better on their own.
Because fuck the patriarchy, and fuck toxic masculinity, fuck the class system, fuck gender conformism, fuck less able bodily exclusion, and fuck racial stereotypes.
Fuck all of it, and fuck the fucking wall!
Who’s with me?
Of course there is still a place for feminist writing (and I still intended to write), because things still need to change, and it is an important part of that change. But we have to break free of the echo chamber, we can’t just be feminist with other feminist, we have to attack this wall with every tool in our tool box. So keep writing, and keep speaking up, if you have privilege keep using to help those who don’t, support each other, respect each other, never stop fighting in the hopes that one day we won’t need to.
