Have A Merry Covid Christmas!

3 Simple Tips to Avoid Stress and Struggle This Holiday Season.

At the beginning of last January I was staying with my parents in Poland. It was my usual ‘around Christmas’ trip. We were enjoying a good, slow and a bit lazy time together, hoping for a bit of snow. I was spending my evenings talking to mum and doing my weaving. My dad, as always :), was following the news.

He was all about Wuhan and some strange virus and we were both laughing at him a bit.

Life felt so normal. No way, it had anything to do with us.

Well….

The big blue weaving that I made at that time hangs on my wall. It serves as a perfect reminder to cherish the simple and the ‘normal’. You never know what’s gonna happen next.

It’s hard to believe we are again just 3 weeks away from Christmas. The lights and decorations start to pop up everywhere around, just like every other year.

Yet, this is obviously not “every other year”. This year has taken us all off guard and changed so many things we used to take for granted.

For me, some sadness seems to be rising up as Christmas Eve approaches. I also noticed my clients talk more and more about the anxiety and overwhelm that this new, unprecedented Christmas is triggering for them.

We’ve already been through a lot this year.

But apart from all the obvious ways in which coronavirus made our life more difficult, it has also created a bit of breathing space.

The most -sneaky -ever, negative belief of “this is just the way it is’ had to give way a little.

Things have to be different now. Things have to change.

We can use this space intentionally, the best we can, to create a new ‘normal’. One which would hopefully serve us much, much better.

Let me share with you 3 tips to approach this holiday season a bit differently, so that instead of adding more stress and pressure, you can focus on self-care, flexibility and … authenticity.

1.MANAGE YOUR EXPECTATIONS.

We all have this perfect fantasy about Christmas. You know, the lights, the gifts, the snow, the perfect ,happy family together, the kindness, the understanding, the forgiveness, the LOVE. Love is supposed to be everywhere.

This is a very emotional image and it triggers our deepest longings and our deepest needs. To be safe, to be seen, to be appreciated, to be loved, to belong.

There are many factors that contributed to us creating this unreachable fantasy. Some of them come from our childhood and some from aggressive advertising.

But this year, our inner drive to get as close to this dream as we possibly can, may be even stronger as after the ‘restricted’ and uneasy year, we all long for magic even more.

And of course, we are too wise to be consciously chasing this dream. We know by now that reality never compares.

Children get sick or have meltdowns, some family members always complain and others make sarcastic remarks, the turkey does not always turn out as good as last year and someone is always disappointed with their presents.

We know reality never compares, but ….

Each year, as if under a spell, we put so much effort, time, money and (add your own)to create something perfect!

Maybe not a commercial fairy tale, but our own kind of perfect, we aspire to with determination.

And as any other time, if you have unrealistic expectations , you set yourself for disappointment.

Remember the perfect family Christmas is a lie.

There is no such thing as a perfectly decorated house, perfect holiday cards, perfect meals and perfect atmosphere. So, let go of ‘perfect’ and start looking for ‘meaningful’.

One the most important question to ask yourself is: “What am I trying to achieve here? If I put so much effort into it, what results do you hope for?’

Is really getting your house spotless, buying expensive gifts, excessive decorations, cooking plenty of food or whatever you’re putting so much effort in — going to bring you the results you are looking for? Would Christmas really be ruined if you let go of half of that effort and invested it in something else, for instance taking good care of yourself?

Having realistic expectations, will save you from a lot of trouble.

I moved to Ireland on the 19th December 2012. There were just a few days left until the traditional Polish Christmas Eve supper, when you’re supposed to have 12 different dishes on your table. I was really serious to get at least half of them done (perfectly;). Unfortunately, nobody told me at that time that there were Polish shops in Ireland, so I spent hours on end trying to cook traditional Polish things using ingredients available in Aldi. As you may expect, it was a total disaster and a huge disappointment.

But obviously, my own version of perfect was to have the food sorted the way it had always been.

While I was giving all of my attention and energy to get Christmas Eve supper perfect, I was really missing out on being with my kids and with myself during one of the most difficult times for our family. Moving countries was a big deal, for all of us. We were stressed and unsure, and no amount of food on our Christmas table was going to help with that.

2. UNDERSTAND YOUR ‘WHY’.

While I was struggling to cook Polish Christmas dishes, on my first Irish Christmas Eve, without having most of the necessary ingredients, what I was actually trying to do, was to cope with my uneasiness (not to say guilt) about dragging my children to a different country while leaving my parents and all the extended family and friends behind.

I had this idea, very subconscious at the time, that if I just manage to keep everything the same way as it had always been, I’ll somehow stay loyal to my roots and this painful divide I had created, wouldn’t be as painful any more.

Why was I so determined to get the food right? Because of love of course. Was there a better way to express this love? There were plenty. If I only took a moment to focus on what it was that really mattered to me, I would have found a much better way to make that Christmas easier for myself and my loved ones.

Things are not always what they seem.

Sometimes having pizza for your Christmas dinner might be a better way of being kind and loving than making a huge fuss about something which doesn’t matter at all.

So, I encourage you to look a bit deeper.

Why do you put so much attention, time, money, effort into this holiday?

What do you hope to get in return? (there is always something we want to get in return)

Are you doing all this because it has always been done that way? Do you still hope you can create a perfect holiday? Do you try to control things that are out of your control? Or maybe there are some other hidden motives behind all your efforts?

Remember the truth is, if we want things to be a certain way — it is always because we believe they will make us feel a certain way.

Feelings and emotions are always what we go for.

You want your house to be beautifully decorated because it will make you feel a certain way. You don’t want your sister to be cranky at Christmas dinner because you don’t like the way it makes you feel. You buy plenty of expensive gifts and presents because you expect others to feel a certain way when they open them (and that will make you feel a certain way ,too).

That’s all good, the problem is that quite often all this doesn’t work as we expect it, too. Your Christmas mood does not come with Christmas decorations, your sister’s surprisingly good attitude does not make your day and one €5 gift brings more joy than all the rest of the presents, you spent a little fortune on.

So, take a look at your deeper motivations.

How do you want to feel this Christmas? What truly matters to you? What would make your eyes shine and your heart feel with joy?

And then see what you need to focus on to create that. Sometimes it’s not what you had always done up to now.

Align your actions with your values, focus on what really matters to you and you’ll set yourself for a truly fulfilling experience.

3. LEARN TO SAY ‘NO’

For me, aligning my actions with my values meant, first of all, learning to say ‘no’. And it wasn’t easy learning. I said no to cooking enormous amounts of food and to sitting at the table eating and drinking for literally 2 and half days. Even stopping to clean windows (in the middle of winter) made me feel very guilty at the start.

There are so many expectations around Christmas, so much pressure. And because the essence of Christmas seems to be all about ‘giving’, being kind and loving, we often tend to grind our teeth and go along with many things we are not too keen on. We try hard to be kind and loving to everyone around and somehow always forget to be the exact same way to ourselves. The same old story.

This year things might be a bit different. Because all is different this year.

There may be many ‘no’s happening this year anyway. Some of us won’t be able to spend Christmas with their whole family (and I sadly include myself in this group). For some people the pandemic created a huge financial strain. There’ll be no big Christmas parties. Even shopping feels so much different when you have to wait in queues and wear the mask.

But all the above might give you a perfect excuse to say ‘no’ to a few other things — if they no longer resonate with you.

These are my favourites:

Overcommitting — Every Christmas season we tend to take on more things than we are able to do with relative ease. This year, try to mind your calendar (as well as your energy and resources) a bit better. This is a priority if you want to avoid stress, exhaustion and resulting mood problems. Remember, this has already been a tough year. We are already overstretched. Don’t add more stress on top of that. Plan carefully, leaving plenty of space for self-care and for things that nourish and feed you.

Overspending — Align money with your values. Pandemic was a huge financial blow for many people. Do you need to buy so much? Who do you buy from? There is a difference between buying from a big chain of shops and from a local craftsman. Can you support people who need support most by buying from them? Commit to spending money in the way that makes you and others feel good.

Doing things you don’t enjoy doing — Time is too precious to do that. Keep reminding yourself that when you say ‘yes’ to something, you always say ‘no’ to something else. Saying ‘no’ to things you don’t want to , allows you to focus on things that are really important to you. Are you doing things this Christmas just because you have always done them, even if they feel like a drag now? Choose three things you no longer enjoy and give yourself permission to say ‘no’ to them.

Self-criticism — My favourite one, I used to be a queen of putting myself down. Self-criticism, self-doubts & self-sabotage can ruin any Christmas (and not only Christmas, of course). There is no need to be so mean to yourself. If you struggle with standing in your own way, just grab my Self-Love Magic Makeover Programme HERE and put an end to self-sabotage and self-bullying and instead, invite more compassion, acceptance and self-love into your life. There has never been a better time for that!

Worrying what other people will say. I hope you know by now that you can’t please everyone. Actually most people don’t care too much about what you do. And half of those who do, will judge you anyway, no matter how hard you try to fit in. Isn’t life too short and precious to waste your energy on them?

Besides, worrying what others will say is just another example of things being not what they seem:) If you investigate a bit more, you will find out that it is not about others at all. It is about you — how connected you feel to yourself, how much you trust yourself, how much you value and respect your needs, preferences and opinions.

If you focus on what feels right to you, align your actions with your core values, and if you are truly authentic in doing that, and you won’t be bothered so much what others think or say. I’m sure you have experienced it yourself at times — when you have 100% clarity, down in your belly, you feel that something is right and true for you, it doesn’t matter that much what others think.

Apart from all the obvious ways in which coronavirus made our life more difficult, it has also created a bit of breathing space. Things have to be different now. Things have to change. Use this space the best you can, to intentionally create change that is good for you.

So, let go of impossible expectations — perfect gifts, decorations and meals and/or zero conflicts, tears and frustrations.

Instead, focus on what you deeply need this year. Maybe just being together with your loved ones, maybe some time off and rest, maybe time spent in nature. And once you know what it is — just say ‘no’ to anything and everything that stands in the way.

The fact that this Christmas is different doesn’t have to be a reason for disappointment and struggle. If you keep your heart open, not only for others but for yourself as well, you can create something that will actually be a very imperfect but beautiful and heartwarming experience.

The greatest gift you can give yourself and others, not only for Christmas, is loving yourself.

Be sure to download my FREE Thriving Through Tough Times Workbook HERE and create your own roadmap to calm, peace of mind and emotional balance!

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