I Don’t Dislike Men. I Dislike the Toxic Masculinity That Holds a Lot of Men Back
That’s what she said, Katherine Ryan
The single woman has been dismissed as abnormal since forever. While we’re all social creatures, some of us need the protection of a partner more than others. That is not to say that single people are heartless individuals who care little about love, but rather that they have the strength, energy or patience for a more selective process that meets their actual needs.
Katherine Ryan is an advocate on behalf of all the single ladies. As a single mother, she dedicates a lot of her work on the complicated relationship society has with single women and single mothers in particular. Having her daughter Violet — the fanciest English child, as she often describes her — is the biggest blessing in Katherine’s life. But her choice to raise her separated from her birth father does not come without criticism.
In ‘Glitter Room’, Katherine is brutally honest about her experiences. It’s the setting piece for the conversation below. While most of her comedy work is filled with passion, politics and feminism, it is this Netflix special in particular that brings to the surface some really important issues.
“Um, I get it, I’m a woman who has ideas and opinions and I say those out loud on a stage. People are like… ‘Why doesn’t she just sing a song?’ ”
It appears that sometimes using your freedom of (explicit) speech as a woman to “sing a song” cannot go without facing some backlash. If we condemn a song like ‘WAP’, then surely we can condemn sexual predators, no?
Men in comedy
Upon being critiqued that her shows are not a safe space for men, Katherine had a very adequate response:
“Men have a lot of safe spaces, like the Senate and the world… and comedy.”
Do you remember a recent interview by the infamous Joe Rogan where he laughed at his friend’s account of coercing women to perform oral sex? This is nothing new, of course, in the world as a whole.
Well, Katherine had similar observations during her years of being part of the comedy industry.
“I can’t tell you how much stand-up comedy I have had to listen in my career where men are like…
If I’m fuckin’ a hooker and she comes back, I’m askin’ for my money back.”
The joke, as Katherine highlighted, is that the hooker probably didn’t reach her happy place, alas the harsh reality is that comedy remains far from a safe space for the majority of women. But as soon as a group of women bring their point of view, suddenly men feel threatened? Are we sure that is the problem? Or is it, in fact, that some men just want to be in charge of the narrative?
The Kardashian Effect
I’ll admit I’m including this bit here, mostly because I found it hilarious. When Katherine went through a break up, one of her friends suggested she gets a ‘revenge body’, a term coined by Khloé Kardashian.
A “revenge body” is when you change your lifestyle for the better to show your ex-partner how well you’re doing.
While Katherine wasn’t persuaded and instead suggested you treat yourself to your favourite snacks, she did make an entertaining observation.
“The Kardashians have Trojan horsed a lot of important issues into what looks like a vapid reality show. They had an episode on the importance of Planned Parenthood. An episode on gun control. I love the Kardashians. For me, they are a matriarchy of shape-shifting sisters who destroy men or turn them to women.”
It’s undeniable that the Kardashians have risen up through society and have made their way to a huge following, which means they are role models to many young girls today. That’s a powerful position and one that requires a high degree of responsibility.
The role of the male gaze is once again reaffirmed here, but here’s an extra empowering message from Katherine on why you should live your life by your own measurements, physically, spiritually and any other way:
“You can be small if you want to be small. All of your bodies are beautiful. But it’s troubling when there’s only one body type that we see.”
The Kardashian effect can be both fem-powering and disastrous, it depends how you look at it and what lessons you draw from their experiences. On the one hand, they are showing that women can have a voice and be heard, but on the other hand, they might be suggesting there is only one way to do so — by looking a certain way, which is certainly wrong.
Speaking of body positivity, freelance writer and disability activist Melissa Blake sets an example by encouraging everyone to embrace their unique selves with more empathy and understanding.
The Bachelor mentality
The single mom doesn’t get the same support — or hype — as the single dad.
“I feel, if you are unsure about your choices, ask yourself, ‘Would I be more celebrated if I were doing this as a man?’. And If I were a man, if you were men, we wouldn’t be ‘Single, oh, no.’ We’ll be eligible as fuck.”
That is not to say that single dads automatically have it easier, but the current societal perception certainly gives them extra points for being in the same single situation, whereas it penalizes women for not having made enough of an effort to keep their family together.
This is toxic for both genders, of course. While single women are conditioned to feel bad about raising a new human being alone into the world, single men might be feeling extra pressure to live up to the hype.
We continue to teach boys to become somebody while telling girls to find somebody. Even today any model that doesn’t fit this norm is perceived as wrong, as abnormal, as punishable.
Sound familiar? Then you might be remembering the famous TED Talk speech by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie:
The Bachelor mentality is just another side of the same problem. We can’t aspire to be equal when we teach boys and girls different values.
Women cannot be too successful or they won’t be desirable; men should not be anything less than successful or they won’t be desirable. Wrong.
Change doesn’t happen in a day, but every conscious choice we make can have a positive impact towards getting our values right and empowering each other by offering the same treatment as we’d like to receive.
The WomenTalking Takeaway
Katherine Ryan is many things. She’s 100% authentic, courageous and brilliant comedian. The work she’s doing to raise awareness of so many pressing female topics, such as having a miscarriage, undergoing mental health issues and/or enhancement surgeries, and raising a child as a single mother, make her an essential voice in the fight for equality.
Katherine Ryan reminds us that it’s okay to not have the traditional ‘happy ending’ — instead, you should work to define your own happy ending. After all, everyone of us is here as an imperfect human being existing in an imperfect world. But more importantly, every day is a school day and the best teachers you can find are the ones that won’t lie to you.
Go and watch the ‘Glitter Room’ to discover the world according to Katherine.
Then watch ‘The Duchess’, which is Katherine’s latest show — the one that portrays her life story even more vividly, proudly and with extra honesty.
If you enjoyed this article, keep an eye on my column Women Talking for more stories on how women are changing the world. 💃
