I Know What It Means to be a Man, I Used to be One.
The story of Paula Stone Williams
After spending 60 years as a man, Paul came out as transgender to his family and Paula was born into the world. Before Paul was Paola — that is officially Paula, in her heart she’d been Paula a long time before her transition — he was a CEO of a major religious non-profit organisation. He was a host on national TV. He preached in mega churches.
I was a successful well-educated white American male.
In her words, Paula knew of her female identity as early as her first years into the world, but nonetheless she followed a life designed to fit her original body and the expectations attached to it for as long as she could.
The call toward authenticity has all the subtlety of a smoke alarm. Eventually decisions have to be made. So I came out as transgender.
Paula came out as transgender in 2013, two years before Caitlyn Jenner. It was a more judgemental time, one with more unanswered questions. But the story of Paula Stone Williams is one of many where the pain of living a lie eventually collides with the bravery of following one’s heart to embrace a more authentic self.
Now Paula shares her story with the world in pursuit of bringing acceptance and self-love for everyone who’s willing to listen. Hers is a journey filled with hardships, but she wouldn’t have it any other way.
Authenticity does not automatically equal acceptance
Upon admitting to herself that she was, in fact, Paula and not Paul, she knew that ahead of her was a gigantic journey to undertake. If she didn’t, she’d allow her authenticity to slowly vanish day by day. So she decided to be honest with herself and with the world.
As soon as she made the first step towards embracing her new identity, Paula lost everything — her job, her friends, her community, her father.
Yet the more Paula was completing her transition, the more everyone around her could see the glow, the glow of self-acceptance. While her children knew that their father was gone, they could see a new person in his place who loved them just as much.
In a powerful father-son conversation on the stage of Ted, Paula and Jonathan each shared glimpses of their side of the story.
The road to acceptance is long and full of hardships, but embracing your authentic self eventually always leads to inner peace. What’s even more important — when we embrace our true self, the world becomes a better, more understanding and loving place. Call it the butterfly effect.
The acknowledgement of ‘white male privilege’
Paul used to be the Alpha man, but a gentle and sensitive Alpha man. He thought he was one of the good guys, until he realised the unescapable privilege he had.
There’s no way a well-educated white male can understand how much the culture is tilted in his favour.
A man will never know the reality that a woman experiences, and vice versa.
One nation couldn’t fully understand the struggles of another civilisation, but they could certainly listen and try to acknowledge the differences.
That is, of course, only part of the problem.
The other aspect to being a woman after you’ve been a man for decades is discovering how the female power is gradually being reduced by a consistent disbelief in her true capacity.
Apparently since I became a female, I have become stupid. I guess it’s the loss of testosterone and the arrival of oestrogen that has caused me to lose the brain cells necessary to be fully functioning adult human. Either that, or I’m as smart as I ever was — it’s just now I’m constantly being subjected to mansplaining.
Paula never knew she had privilege until she lost it. Well, kind of. But her message is clear — you can always be more understanding and accepting.
While Paula views her life as more authentic and honest now, she looks to the past with gratitude to have had the opportunity to play a key role in her children’s upbringing and create all the meaningful moments they shared together.
I have the unique experience of having lived life from both sides and I’m here to tell you the differences are massive.
Yet there’s one thing we all have in common — we are here to learn from one another. We are all learning how to be human one day at a time.
The complicated relationship with God
While this topic might appear as impenetrable grey area, it’s important to mention it, because religion has been and will continue to be a huge driving force for many people, young and old.
Religion helps us to strengthen our faith for better days ahead when life becomes difficult: when we lose ourselves in the world.
Yet sometimes it is precisely religious beliefs that contribute for our alienation and abolishment from society.
But when you know, you know. Religion should not stand in the way of living an authentic life, it should be the friendly force that encourages us to aim to do better than yesterday.
The call towards authenticity is sacred.
The truth we’re born with is our own. There’s no changing it, there is only accepting it. Some of us are born in the right body, the right country, the right family; others have to undergo multiple metamorphoses to get to their place in the world.
While religion could be a powerful ally in one’s journey, it could also be a foe when interpreted wrongly.
I find any religion lacking that leads with judgment instead of leading with acceptance and love.
Paula firmly believes that while her purpose previously was to spare the spiritual suffering of those who are seeking their true self, it is her mission now to save people from dying due to lack of acceptance.
A message for transgender teenagers and their parents
Getting to know ourselves might lead to unexpected discoveries. We might find a different reality than imagined — by us, our parents, friends, teacher, and even neighbours.
What’s on the surface is not always what’s inside. That’s why mental health issues are so hard to recognise and treat at times.
The person you were born to be from day one of your creation is not a choice. It is absolutely a choice, however, to ignore the person you are — as defined by your vision, desires, hopes, beliefs — and act according to someone else’s expectations, but there are always consequences that could impact negatively the entire universe.
I didn’t hate being a boy, I just knew I wasn’t one.
According to a 2018 study, more than half of transgender male teens and 29.9 percent of transgender female teens said they attempted suicide. Transgender teens with unsupportive parents have a suicide rate 13 times higher than their peers. That’s alarming. It’s also preventable.
The first step is listening. If you’re scared to listen, then hear from those who listened before you and found acceptance in their hearts. Paula and Jonathan opened their hearts to the truth and so can you.
The #WomenTalking Takeaway
We spend too much time worrying about our differences and judging each other for one choice or the other, instead of offering love at best and curiosity at worst.
After months of silence and confusion, Paula’s 93 years old father eventually said, “I don’t understand this, but I’m willing to try.”
One man willing to give up his power because he knew what he knew — that he loved his child, and he was willing to do whatever it takes to honour the journey of another.
The world we live is in desperate need of more acceptance and appreciation of our differences & less punishment on everyone’s journey to self-actualisation.
How can we be constantly reminded of the brevity of our existence, especially amidst a global pandemic, and refuse to acknowledge the truth that is before our eyes. Life is short, together we can build a better future, love is the answer.
Change starts with us, with you — who are reading this right now. It’s important to have the difficult conversations, but the first step to real progress is listening with the intention to hear.
If you enjoyed this article, keep an eye on my column Women Talking for more stories on how women are changing the world. 💃
