What I Learned While In Treatment for Anxiety and Depression
First, I’m not a therapist. Anything you read below is my own experience, not to be taken as advice.
Second, issues from my childhood and younger years aren’t something I’ll talk about here. While I’ve written about some traumatic events from my past — which most certainly contributed to my anxiety and depression — my specific life experiences really don’t matter, nor do yours. As I’ve learned from talking to countless others in the program, when the result is anxiety or depression, there are universal skills you can apply to combat the impact. What follows are some of the tools I learned.
[Click here to read the first part of this article]
Some of these skills are basic and obvious, though when you’re depressed, let me tell you, your brain feels hijacked. Gentle reminders and compassion go a long way when we’re feeling low, and these lists helped me when I was feeling my lowest.
1. PUT BAD WORDS IN A BOX
Negative self-talk is the hallmark of depression, blinding us to our positive traits. One of the ways to address this phenomenon is to ban certain words from our vocabulary that fuel negative, judgmental thinking. Once you eliminate these seemingly benign words, you might be surprised how much less critical you are of yourself (and others):
•Should
•Impossible
•But
•All
•If only
•Never
•Always
•Nothing
•Ever
•Can’t
•Why
•Fail
2. UNDERSTAND ANGER
Anger is normal, human emotion that can serve a healthy purpose when used in appropriate situations. But anger is also a secondary emotion that often masks deeper, more painful feelings. When it is unchecked, buried, or used to protect us from deeper pain, it can be destructive. Knowing from where your anger stems can help you to address and alleviate emotional anguish. Anger can stem from feelings of:
•Shame
•Sadness
•Fear
•Frustration
•Guilt
•Disappointment
•Worry
•Embarrassment
•Jealousy
•Hurt
•Anxiety
3. THE WORDS “AND” & “YET” ARE YOUR MOST POWERFUL TOOLS
When you feel depressed, it’s like your brain works in overdrive to keep you on that dead-end street: “It’s hopeless,” “I suck,” “I’m a failure,” “I won’t ever feel better.”
However, when you validate your sad feelings and inject an “AND” or a “YET” into your thinking, things have a way of turning off that dead-end road:
Try this:
“I’m depressed, and I want to feel better.”
“This feels hopeless, and I don’t want to stay this way.”
“I can’t shake this feeing, and I’m trying to figure out what’s wrong.”
“I messed up in a huge way, yet I’m working on making things right.”
“I don’t know what to do to make myself feel better, yet I’m showing up and trying my best.”
Hell yeah, depression and anxiety suck. AND, they can be addressed.
Hell yeah, you’re in pain right now, YET depression will not exist forever, especially when you’re using your skills to address it.
4. WHEN ALL ELSE FAILS, BE CURIOUS
Remember, despite what your hijacked brain may tell you, your anxiety and depression do not define you as a person. One helpful thing to DO when you’re depressed is to face your feelings with CURIOSITY. Rather than deciding you’ll never climb out of this hole, be curious:
“I wonder where these feelings (of inadequacy, negativity, sadness, emotional pain) are coming from.”
“I wonder how long this will last.”
“I wonder what I might try to combat this feeling.”
Remaining curious keeps you from making declarations you’ll stay in this state.
5. PRACTICE RADICAL ACCEPTANCE
Finally, there’s a skill called Radical Acceptance that’s straightforward and so effective. It challenges you to notice yourself as a whole, and to help break down the paralyzing overwhelm in more manageable chunks. Your whole self is made up of 1) thoughts, 2) emotions, 3) behavior, and 4) physical reactions, which are all intrinsically tied to one another. When you’re depressed, it’s hard to think clearly or understand the impact each one of these has on your mood — and here’s the good news: By examining and adjusting just one of these pillars, you can actually impact your whole attitude:
Pillar 1: Thoughts
Notice what your thoughts are telling you:
— “I can’t go on like this.”
— “The worst case scenario will happen to me.”
— “I’m so overwhelmed and I can’t use any skills.”
— “I’m helpless.”
— “I’m all alone.”
— “I’m having a heart attack.”
— “I’m scared shitless.”
— “I’m losing control.”
— “Something is horribly wrong.”
— “I’m stuck in my own mind.”
— “I will lose control over my life choices.”
— “I don’t want to do this anymore.”
— “I can’t be present right now.”
— “I can’t think straight.”
What you can do:
1. Challenge your thoughts directly:
•“The worst case scenario probably won’t happen.”
•“Maybe loss of control will lead to change I need to make.”
•“I can use my skills to slow down my thoughts.”
•“I can always reach out for help.”
•“Something is wrong right now and it won’t always be wrong.”
• “I can practice skills to make this more tolerable.”
•“This too shall pass.”
•“This is an anxiety symptom. I can use breathing to cope.”
•“I’m not so unlucky that the worst case scenario will always happen to me.”
2. Challenge your thoughts with “and” statements:
•“I’m scared shitless, and I can work to change that.”
•“I feel helpless in the moment, and I can take small steps to help myself.”
•“I may feel alone, and I do have supports to call.”
•“I’m completely overwhelmed, and I’m willing to take a risk to get better.”
•“I’ve had all these negative thoughts before, and things have turned out okay.”
•“I feel like I’m losing control and feelings aren’t facts.”
•“This hasn’t been going on forever and it won’t go on forever.”
Pillar 2: Emotions
Notice how you’re feeling:
— Anxious
— Fearful
— Helpless
— Incompetent
— Angry
— Irritable
— Agitated
— Embarrassed
— Ashamed
— Confused
— Panicky
— Desperate
— Sad
— Stuck
— Self Pitying
— Defeated
— Lost
— Lonely
What you can do:
•Ride the wave, knowing it will pass
•Meditate
•Use “AND” statements: “I am in so much pain right now, and I will not always feel this way.” “This is a nightmare, and I will keep going.”
•Validate your emotions, rather than fight them. Acknowledge you are hurting, rather than exhausting yourself by burying your pain.
•Offer yourself some self-compassion. Say to yourself: “This is really hard right now. I’m doing the best I can. For now, breathing is enough.”
•Do something grounding to help keep you in the moment: listen to music, take a walk, draw, cook, read. These things will help to get you out of your own head, where spinning thoughts tend to make things worse.
Pillar 3: Behaviors
Notice what you’re doing:
— Avoiding
— Isolating
— Lashing out
— Being short with others
— Defensive
— Procrastinating
— Numbing out
— Substance abuse
— Decreased self care
— Making excuses
— Lying
What you can do:
•Give yourself a break/time out
•Treat yourself to something you love
•Practice some self-care
•Give yourself a time-limited distraction
•Reach out to a support
•Communicate your needs in a compassionate way to others without blame. Keep it about you and not about others. Say, “I am hurting,” rather than “You aren’t there for me,” or “You make me feel so alone,” or “You make me so angry.”
Pillar 4: Physical Reactions
Notice what your body is telling you. If you experience:
— Fogginess
— Sleeping issues
— Increased tension
— Heart palpitations
— Pacing
— Shakiness
— Headaches
— Gastrointestinal issues
— Numbness
— Panic symptoms
— Increased pain symptoms
What you can do:
•Deep breathing
•Progressive muscle relaxation
•Paced breathing
•Exercise/walk
•Change your temperature — even if it’s opening up the freezer
•Ground yourself with music or another time-limited distraction
While I realize this is a LOT to take in, I hope you see there are so many things you can try when you’re deeply hurting. Remember, everything I learned took weeks, months, and even years to incorporate into my thinking. Yes, this takes work, but more than anything, it takes a compassionate approach to yourself. Remember, no one signs up for these struggles.
If nothing else, share this post with a loved or cherished one, and simply say, “I’m hurting. I hope you’ll consider reading this to understand what I’m going through.”
And…you never know. You may have, in the process, just helped someone else who’s also hurting.
Keep going, and please remember — you’re never alone.
[Click here to read the first part of this article]
If you are having thoughts of suicide, call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline at 1–800–273–8255 (TALK) or go to SpeakingOfSuicide.com/resources for a list of additional resources. Here’s what you can do when a loved one is severely depressed.
Christine Wolf also writes at www.christinewolf.com
