Conflict Resolution as a Software Engineer
Conflict resolution is an art to be perfected not only for productivity but also for peace of mind.
Disclaimer: All views here are my own.
When you work in the environment with other people for good or bad, conflict arise. And let’s be honest there is no solution fits all. As the people working together increase so is the issues between them.
During my master’s, we had to do Group Projects. And as the group projects go, not everyone has the same intensions of working. On tight semester deadlines with a part time job, it was not possible to not get frustrated with your teammates. Once the situation got so worse that I had to complain to the professor about the folks and had to ask to divide the group in two.
When it came the time that I had to interview for companies, I was asked the classic question “Tell me about a situation, when you had a conflict with your teammates and how did you respond?” I was a bit taken back by that question. My honest answer would have been “I kicked them out of the project.” But that wouldn’t get me the job, so I lied. My answer was that I worked with them to understand their problem and then helped them in the project and then we met the deadline together. (This only happens in la-la-land.) I got the job, but this question lingered upon me for a long time. Could I have done better?
Soon I joined the new Job. And I faced plenty conflicts, could be divided into three categories:
- Issues with personality, e.g. someone will not like you for no apparent reason you can think of.
- Disagreement over a work e.g. project approach or hiring a candidate.
- Issues with the someone's identity, e.g. reservations over one’s sex and nationality.
Most days I will work 9–5 and go back to home peacefully. And other days someone or something will get on my nerves that I will take my anger to my sleep and dreams. Around 10 years in tech, here are my major learnings:
Issues with personality
As humans we tend to make certain assumptions based on how someone presents themselves. It may or may not sustain as time passes. One time, I had a colleague who used to be nice with everyone in the team except me. Even when he left the team 2 years of us working together, he thanked everyone in the team on the farewell meeting except me. I did not know why. I never asked him because he was very good at pretending and would wear a smile when he needs to be so I could not expect an honest answer. I came to think that I might have unintentionally something that must have hurt him. Later, I as I grew in my career, I found something that I can do to reduce this kind of animosity.
1. Schedule a coffee chat with new team members: Even joining a new team or even start working with someone old but never connected before, I schedule a coffee chat to understand their personality and become friendly.
2. Thank you or sorry in public: I learned from the greats to say thank you in public when someone did anything to help you. But I learned from the greatest to say sorry when you are wrong in public. This reduces misunderstandings and opens opportunities for feedback. As well reduces barrier for one to reach out to you.
One of the biggest signs of respect for your coworkers is listening to them and then changing your mind afterwards.
— Staff Engineer: Leadership Beyond the Management Track by Will Larson
3. Critique in private: As much as people love to be praised, they hate to be criticized in public. If you found issue with the way someone is doing things, need to correct someone or any critique that you think might put someone in spotlight (in wrong way). Shoot a message on personal chat or schedule a 1:1. This will not only save them from embarrassment but will also establish their trust in you. Once a Staff Engineer found an issue with the way I was logging security token, it could have led to security issue in the application. But I didn't know any better, because I have not worked on a lot of security side yet. But he reached out me personally sharing the links how can I log those tokens in secure way. He could have mentioned on the thread as well, where there were 50 other folks working on the feature. But that would have lessened my credibility and work I was doing. I thanked him and immediately implemented as he suggested.
Issues with the someone’s identity.
I had my share of issues with my identity as a woman in tech. Casual sexism in is rampant even the CEO of the company is a woman. When I was new to tech, I used to ignore the comments and have peace with the situation. But I as grew I feel more need to call the behaviors out for the sake of the next generation of women leaders. It leads to sometimes a sorry for a show or sometimes more trouble for me. But none the less I find its important to report rather ignore and move on.
Disagreement over a work
As opposed to the first point Issues with personality, this one is little in control of an individual and more derived from company culture. How will you resolve disagreement with your manager when the manager is thinking of you as a subordinate and not as an equal? How will you resolve disagreement over hiring a candidate when there are no clear guidelines from the HR what to do when there is one yes and one no? How can you satisfactorily discuss design when staff engineer is all about “Do as I say” and not giving any justifications. This is a system’s problem. You can be the flag bearer of change, but I am afraid it would be of little use.
There are plenty tools/methods available to solve the disagreement over work. These include mindfully listening to others, documenting pros and cons to each approach that is part of the discussion, scheduling 1:1 to reach out personally and talk through it and understand your blind spots and finally escalate when necessary. Here are some great resources that I found helpful.
How to do a code review | eng-practices (google.github.io)
As for me, I keep the mindset of “I” does not matter, what matters is what we are trying to build. This keeps me humble and open to feedback. There is also very little an individual can think of in this giant tech industry hence seeking perspective is the not only a way but is the only way to improve the product as well as expand one’s knowledge. The foundation of human history is built upon our ability to work together. There is very little an Indvidual can do on their own.
Thanks for stopping by.
