Returning back after Maternity Break

Confessions of a recovering perfectionist, whose life was anything but perfect!

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It has been 3 months that I have rejoined, and on one hand I am still behind schedule, with a long list of undone stuff on my to-do lists, too many incomplete projects, with a long list of ideas in my head which are no where close to being implemented, and on the other hand dealing with heavy feelings like stepping out of house when your child is playing, missing out on those hugs for a while, fretting over whether the child will eat today, take proper naps, while people looking at me with judgement disappointment in thier eyes! I feel like I am drowning on both sides, I am putting in more than what I can deliver at work, all that I have got at home, with little sleep, no play, but somehow this still is not enough! I get more mails and feedbacks from my people around me than ever before. Sometime I secretely dream of a safe space, where I can talk about my feelings, I can trust my collegues, explain people that I am back but that doesn’t mean I am me in a snap of finger, I want to take them through my journey during my maternity break, how I struggled with everything, I want to let people know that having a fully functional Team with no loose ends is something that I also crave for but just seems like a distant dream now!

So there are reasons why I wanted to do this (i.e. write this story)

1. Of course to share my side, put it out there, for me to feel a little lighter (if that possible) — My Story
2. But also, and more importantly, to make sure that as a society, we understand what a new mother goes through when she returns back from a long break. How she struggles to get everything together, and she might not be perfect, but she is trying her best, which might not always be visible. So may be we emphathise with her and provide her some leeway. — New Mother at work
3. To top it up how can we do better than just understanding them — Provide some ideas/ways to support new mothers better. — Ways to Support better
4. Create a more inclusive space so that this becomes a part of our eco system and blogs like these become irrelevant ;) — Creating Inclusive Space

My Story

I am a recovering perfectionist, but there was a time I wanted everything to be in a particular way which is perfect, and if things were not that certain way, I would make everyones life a little difficult.

Having said that, I have developped a lot of patience, I can wait for the perfection and work towards it, not putting effort is something that I am not ok with.

Photo by Christopher Gower on Unsplash

With maternity on the plate, I had worked on a plan for delegation of my work, way before I started planning a family, to be precise a year in advance. I trained, recruited, made processes, seeked support everything possible to make this particular blueprint which can be implemented when I take my time off. The blueprint sure did work, it definitely took care of things when I was not around, also because I have an awesome awesome support in form of a great team, which completely took over all the important tasks. There wasn’t a single month when things were delayed for any kind of employee payments, no glitches, recruitments happened exactly as per the required budget plan.

There is also a “but”, but I didn’t want to keep a but here, so hence putting a pause instead.

1. Things sure worked, and for this my team should have been congratulated, praised, applauded for what they were doing in my absense to make the company work, which I think was such a fabulous job!
2. The team is capable of doing great, but we need to understand that people can’t always cope up with strategic decisioning or ideation when they are anyway doubling up their efforts to keep up with their manager on leave. Hence Strategic changes didn’t happen which were absolutely necessary to be in line with the growth company was looking at. The people processes had to be growing along with the business plans, but unfortunately I couldn’t deliver that.
3. I was never away from work to be honest, as I was in constant touch with my team on all the aspects but that was only to survive the regular workings. Because of which I had burnouts, I was attending meeting at the same time dealing with post partum, dealing with recruitment targets along with my body’s lactation targets, catering to the employee issues along with changing family dynamics at home. No one asked me to work, but there was no other way it was possible to support the team who was any way overtiming.

And on top of this I feel I am very privilegded and lucky to have so much of support at both ends, Amasingly available, supportive, loving family at home, either my parents or parents-in-law were always there to take care of the baby, husband who works from home & spends more time with the baby than me, supports me more than I suppost myself in taking care of myself or taking a break and on other hand a wonderfully talented, and extremely understanding and hardworking team at work, who would not blink for a second to take up more tasks then they can manage just to make sure things are on track.

But still I was struggling, I didn’t know how others could survive this. I just don’t know how mothers make it happen and make it seem like it’s too easy. Frankly they shouldn’t!

New Mother at Work

1. Hurts , literary— So here are a few aspects everyone should be aware of. When a mother starts being away, it litterrary hurts them, they are in constant pain, beacause of the lactation and the fact that they are not able to feed with that frequently. To avoid this they have to pump their milk frequently, hence frequent breaks are needed. There is constant fear of leaking, which is so much so that you want to take more breaks just to be sure.
2. Postpartum Anxiety is when a person experiences severe anxiety after having a baby or becoming a parent (the postpartum period). These anxious feelings are often out of control and take over your thoughts. Some level of worry is expected after welcoming a new baby to your family. But, if you have postpartum anxiety, the worry can be all-consuming or make you feel worried all day and all night. It often causes you to have irrational fears or excessive worries about events that are unlikely to happen. Sometimes the anxiety is related to a specific incident from your past, but other times the worry is general and vague. For example, you may feel a constant sense of danger but be unable to put your finger on the cause.
3. Emotional — I am not sure I could understand my body so much, but I had headaches, backaches, constant pain in certain areas of my body when I was away from my baby, may be seperation anxiety. I never thought this could be so much untill I went through it myself.
4. Overwhelmingly great amount of work — We need to understand thatno matter how much planning had gone in the planning and handover, when someone gets back after a long leave, it is crazy! It may take months together to function the way you were functioning earlier, I would say it is impossible to get there, because now the mother has new responsibilities, new work schedules, she will definitely not be putting in equal amount of hours. So there is no way she can cope up, because she will always be lagging behind.
5. Imposter Syndrome — Imposter syndrome was first used in the late 1970s to describe high-achieving US women with a secret sense that they were not as capable as others thought. Psychologists Pauline Rose Lane and Suzanne Imes developed the concept, initially termed the imposter phenomenon, in their 1978 founding study, which focused on high-achieving women. They posited that despite outstanding academic and professional accomplishments. Women who experience the imposter phenomenon, believe that they are not bright and have befooled anyone, who thinks otherwise. A KPMG study finds 75% of female executives across industries have experienced imposter syndrome in their careers, which is a feeling of inadequacy and self-doubt that makes them continuously doubt if they are qualified enough for the job. This syndrome kicks in ever strongly when women join back after a long leave. There is a constant feeling that people are judging her beacuse she feels she is not able to put in what it takes to do the job, even when she might be doing extra already. But just to fight this syndrome, Women either feel dishearted and dejected, or starts putting in much more than what was already enough. This feeling itself causes a lot of stress.

How we can help New Mothers

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While I was reasearching for this article I saw that there were numerous articles, notes, blogs, helps available for women to navigate returning back to work. My first reaction was gratitude and happiness, how we are thinking so much about women at workplace and how they feel safe and settled in at work. However this also made me realise that the onus of feeling ok, not letting people or work get to you, not letting the biases affect you, dealing with guilts of handling both work and home was all on the Women. I feel there should also be discussion around the fact on what we can do to make this transition smoother or say less challenging. I think as organizations or just society on large we need to be accepting of the mothers more, be more open to them making mistakes, letting them make big decisions whether it is about returning to work or staying back at hom3 to care for the baby, not judging them when they falter, and most importantly picking up the loose ends for them, helping them whenever we can and I think That is something which is going to be more important.

1. Acceptance and Understanding: As supervisors, we need to be more flexible to their work schedules, work output and target timelines. We need to give them opportunity to figure out their way for initial few months, understand that they are going through a lot and trust me they are doing everything in their power to get back to normalcy themselves without you pointing it out to them. Make sure you give flexible work options of whether working from home or phased joining or role changes. Don’t doubt their intentions when they are not able to deliver, lend them a listening ear instead. I am sure this motivation might be all they need to come around. Accept the fact that they will not be able to put in the equal number of hours as others are putting in, don’t start comparing them to others in just few months, the outputs are not comparable. As collegues we need to stop judging, or asking questions like how can youleave your baby at home, or how are you not working full time, why are you working from home etc. She knows what she is doing, let her navigate her way around. She is anyway dealing with a huge huge guilt herself without your serving.
2. Support them in their projects: You might be a colleague or supervisor or a team member, understand that they will need all the assistance in completing those projects. Pick up for them when they lag behind, make up for the mistakes they might be making, help them where you can with training, mentoring, lending a hand or just listening ear. You don’t know what might help.
3. Safe Space: As organizations, we need to make sure we create an environment where women returning from work are not just accepted and supported but celebrated for their hardwork. Providing flexible work options, to flexibility to extend their breaks without the fear of loosing their jobs will go a long way. As organization, we can provide mental health support when they are returning back, I am sure even women don’t realise how therapy can be a game changer. As collegues strive to make a environment around her where she is appreciated for their little victories, you might feel the achievements are very basic, but they might have moved mountains to reach those project deadlines. This appriciation might help easing out some challeges at home.

Tips for Women

1. Be gentle with yourself
   Go easy on yourself, make peace with the fact that you might not be able to do reach your 100% in first few months. It is going to be a slow transition and making sure you are ok with this. First few weeks will be full of frustration, tiresome and self-doubt. Indeed, many people come back from parental leave and consider quitting. But just because you’re sad or worried now doesn’t mean you will be forever, It’s an emotional time. keep telling yourself that nothing is permanent, this is just a phase and you it will pass. It’s too early to draw any conclusions on your capability. You are anyway doing the best!
2. Take your time to understand: Start slow, make sure you have enough practical understanding of getting back to work before committing to any kind of work shedules or new projects. Take as much time as you can to phase your joining back.
3. Clear Communication: Talk to your suppervisor clearly on what you need to function and how much you will be able to put in. Don’t shy away from asking for help, if they don’t understand it’s ok, try your best.
4. Ask for Help: Resuming your professional life is a process — don’t do it alone. Whether it is at home or at work, ask for support and help without shame.

In General

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We need to make sure we make space for women in this society, not just after pregnancy or maternity break, but women in general. I see people straightaway going in a defending mode when we talk about feminism. There is this constant argument that I hear that there should be equality and not providing extra benefits to women. While I agree, through Feminism equality is what we are fighting for, but it is not that simple. Do you think there was any equality from thousands of years together, foget history, do you think we are still at equality, look around yourself, you don’t even have to go really far, just in our own homes, we see how women are always on their toes working, when men sit and watch TV when hot roties are being served.

We are far from equality, while we have progressed in providing opportunities to women at workplace to some extent, we can not look at it in isolation. The women you are competing with at work, saying that they should not be given an relaxation, are you doing the same at home when you reach home and expect your home managed by females. If the women are giving you opportunity to be an equally respectable member of the household while contributing much less than your female counter part why can’t we do just a little bit extra for women at work?

If we just answer there simple questions, I think all the challenges that women face, be it Maternity Break or otherwise, will be much much more manageble.