How to become an emotionally intelligent women leader
Recently, someone asked me: Kathy, don’t you ever get down? You are always so positive and full of energy. You show up consistently wherever you go, and you always bring such good vibes. Don’t you ever have bad days?
I absolutely do have bad days. Let me rephrase that I have moments that are not very pretty! I have times in my days that are rough. In fact, I have some downright ugly moments!
I have moments where I’m sad.
I have moments where I’m embarrassed, horrified, angry, hurt, revengeful and times when I am raging.
In those moments, I fall apart.
I cry, I sob. I yell. I scream. I growl. I weep.
My heart breaks. It cracks open. And the tears wash over my soul.
Then, I pick myself up, and I begin to heal that wound.
You don’t see that, because I don’t put it out there!!!
Dr. Jill Bolte Taylor says: Take responsibility for the energy you bring into this space. I take her quote to heart!
I’m very aware of the energy I bring to every space,
every moment and every relationship.
It’s not that there isn’t anyone who doesn’t see me at my worst. It’s just that I reserved those moments for those few safe people.
My dear husband ❤️is the one who gets the brunt of it
Sometimes he’ll ask me what’s wrong, and I’ll push him away because I’m not ready to go to that ugly place.
At other times, he doesn’t ask. He just opens his arms and pulls me in tight. And I sob, and I sob, and I sob.
Other times, it’s my daughter I call.
- She listens while I rant and rave and share my frustrations.
My coach hears my deep fears and challenges.
My friend allows me to share my failures, challenges and frustrations.
Often though, I don’t need someone else to help me through it.
Instead, I need to go inside and heal. So I write✏️
Writing allows me to explore what’s going on inside of me.
Jotting down what’s going on helps me to see what triggered me and why it triggered me. When I scribble thoughts down on paper:
- I identify which of my core values have been impacted in this situation.
- I notice where I’m not my best self.
- I see patterns.
- I pick up on judgments, opinions and mistaken beliefs.
Writing brings sense to the mess.
I find clarity and peace.
And of course, I pray.
I talk with God pretty much all day every day. My faith is my biggest source of strength. Faith is one of my top values. And spirituality is one of my top character strengths.
Without my faith, I struggle.
I know because I did that for many years.
It wasn’t until I came back to my faith 🙏that I started to find my way again.
It’s not all sunshine and roses!
Life is a hard journey. Add leadership to it, and you’ve got an incredible weight on your shoulders. If you’re not careful, your job and your career will suck your soul right out of you.
But it doesn’t have to be that way.
Here’s the deal:
You can’t shut your soul off. You can’t close yourself off and only get done things that you need to get done.
You can’t stop yourself from feeling, from crying, from raging, or from loving, caring and connecting.
The way through this crazy mess is
to feel your way through it.
Allow your soul to speak and connect with your heart.
Awaken your spirit.
You do that by experiencing all of the emotions. The good. The bad and the ugly.
Please be careful!
But remember, you are also responsible for the energy you bring.
You don’t have a right to dump
your negative energy on others 🙅♀️
Just because something is going on for you doesn’t give you the right to spray that crap all over your world like 💩nasty smelling glitter!
You are responsible for what you bring
When you’re having a bad day, you are responsible for the energy you bring. But, and this is the part that so many of us miss, you are also responsible for finding time and space to work through whatever is going on for you in a safe way!
Set it aside…but only for now
That means, if you are in a staff meeting, talking to a co-worker or replying to an email, you will need to put whatever is going on inside of you to the side for a moment.
If you are raging inside, you may need to turn down the volume on it until you figure out a way to manage it appropriately.
Don’t spread negativity it breeds like a bad germ!
That nasty stuff that is going on inside of you:
- doesn’t belong in the office
- doesn’t belong on social media
- And it isn’t fair to bring it to the poor innocent teller at the grocery store, post office or gas station
But there is a place for it.
And, if you want to be the best damn leader you can be, then make no mistake about it, my dear, you MUST find a time to deal with all of that ugliness inside of you.
You must make space to go to that place that is ugly!
- You must go to that place no matter how much it hurts.
- You must explore your bitterness, pain and anger, no matter how hard it is.
- You must release all that you are holding on to, no matter how challenging it is.
You must go there!
If you want to find happiness in your day and return to loving your leadership role, engaging in your life and feeling alive again, you have to explore the messy stuff. Sorry, but it’s just the way it is!
🆘The steps: 1, 2, and 3
To grow, to heal and to be your best self, you must deal with the ugly crap.
- Make time for it.
- Create space for it.
- Find safe people to work through it with.
I’m here to offer some guidance
This isn’t easy work. It’s taken me years to get here. I’ve also had a ton of help along the way. As I’ve read books, taken training, engaged in coaching, became a coach, listened to a billion podcasts, Ted Talks and YouTube videos, and wrote my way through literally hundreds of journals, I’ve discovered tools, tips and strategies.
🔹For example, you’ve heard me reference The Inner Guidance Cycle that I teach inside of Mastering Confidence. The process of going through that is my primary go-to tool.
🔹Doing the work to truly uncover how to operationalize my values is what I inside of Values Verification.
🔹Growing my understanding of emotional intelligence and expanding my emotional literacy has helped me to maintain my composure. That is what I teach you inside of Emotional Control and many of the webinars that are available to you inside of The Training Library.
🔹To be able to stay with the nasty feelings and explore them even when I’d rather numb out on Netflix takes a thing called willpower. I share with you how to increase yours inside of Willpower Essentials.
Leadership is a lifelong journey of growth and development
But it’s not the sector training that is truly going to grow you to be your best self and lead most powerfully. Conferences, workshops and seminars all have a place in your training budget and your calendar. But they will not replace the time you need to create to be alone and explore the feelings you are experiencing.
Inside of The Training Library, I provide you with a framework along with the guidance and coaching to explore what’s going on inside of you. This framework helps you to find clarity. With that clarity, you discover control, composure and confidence.
But you have to do the heavy lifting.
You must do the inner work.
TIME SENSITIVE: Don’t miss out on this!
If you are up for it, now would be an excellent time to join The Training Library and lock in your rate of $19.97/month for 2020.
- Starting in January, the monthly rate will increase for new enrolments.
So to answer the question, yes, I have “bad” days
But I don’t see them as bad. I see them as growth opportunities. It’s not always fun to go there. However, it is with the pain of exploration that I gain the feeling of confidence and the energy that allows me to inspire, motivate and encourage you to be your best self!
Stay tuned…
Next week I will be releasing the fourth course of 2019 inside of The Training Library. I’ll walk you through an analysis of your growth and development for 2019 and point you in the right direction for 2020.
Mark Dec. 20th on your calendar and make sure you have enrolled in The Training Library so you can end this century knowing how far you’ve come and ready to grow even more in 2020!
p.s. You should not be experiencing Leadership alone feeling lost and isolated! Reach out and find a support network, coach or mentor. It will make a world of difference for you!
