Ladies, Here is What a Real Man Is (and Isn’t)
Lessons from Feminism
From an early age society gives us so many indirect and direct messages about what a man’s role is and what characteristics make up a man. We’re told strength is equated with a lack of emotion or vulnerability. We’re lead to believe that men are supposed to be the provider of the home. That they’re the leader and should be catered to. We’re informed that men should charm and conquer when it comes to dating. And the list goes on.
We observe relationships and gender roles in the media. We experience the gender roles and relationship of our parents. Essentially, as boys and girls, our brains become wired with this information and it effects the way we see the world.
Until, of course, we (hopefully) come to the realization that it’s all BS.
Now, wanting respect is not something new.
However, as we develop an awareness of the messages we are fed, the experiences we have and the inequality that exists, our definitions and perceptions of what Real Men are start to shift.
Note: “Real men” pertains to the common comparison term being utilized today to describe the difference between a person who exhibits good character or positive/desirable qualities and a person who does not.
We each start to think, “maybe I’ve been compromising myself more than I thought.”
Feminism is a movement for both men and women. As feminism empowers women to change the status quo it also empowers men to do the same. Society unfairly portrays women and has certain expectations for them — and, although to a much less degree, it’s a similar story for men.
For me personally, as I’ve come to learn what we deserve as females (and what we aren’t getting), my definition of what a Real Man is has changed.
Here’s a short list of lessons learned.
1. A Real Man isn’t thirsty.
He won’t feel the need to harass you while you’re simply walking down the street (i.e. by a honk, a grab, a whistle, or a comment). He won’t assume the dress you’re wearing means “she’s asking for it.” He doesn’t feel the need to manipulate you or get you drinking.
A Real Man puts his attraction and desires aside if it means valuing your feelings. He turns down opportunities to take advantage of you. He turns down opportunities to be unfaithful.
He doesn’t define his masculinity by whether or not he got (or will get) laid this weekend.
A Real Man knows what consent means.
2. A Real Man is emotionally intelligent.
Emotional intelligence is the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions, to discriminate among them and to use this information to guide one’s thinking and actions. — John D. Mayer and Peter Salovey
Emotional intelligence involves awareness, empathy and understanding. He will ensure that your feelings are validated, heard and valued — not dismissed as “crazy.” He’ll exercise empathy — putting himself in your shoes and making efforts to understand reasons for your decisions and thoughts.
He’ll understand that you’re human and are entitled to feelings. He’ll genuinely apologize when necessary.
He’ll understand his own feelings and not be afraid to express them.
3. A “Real Man” embraces vulnerability — OFTEN.
It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat. — Theodore Roosevelt
A Real Man puts himself in vulnerable situations. He takes risks and puts himself out there. He’s not afraid of rejection or failure. He welcomes it.
Vulnerability is the only accurate measurement of courage. — Brene Brown
A Real Man shows up and lets his true self be seen. He knows not to fear emotion and hide behind a wall.
4. A Real Man doesn’t think a woman owes him anything.
A Real Man doesn’t expect you to be smiling all the time. A “Real Man” doesn’t think you owe him sex since he took you to dinner or is a “nice guy.”
A Real Man recognizes that your behavior is a result of your freedom of choice. That you’ll smile or have sex when you want to.
5. A Real Man is a champion for women. He understands when women win, we all win.
He is not intimidated by a woman’s success. A Real Man helps breed success in women. He knows women have great capacity to lead, innovate, and create. He empowers women, mentors them, and encourages them.
He raises his daughters to believe the sky is the limit.
He uses his skills and experiences to enhance hers. He welcomes her skills and experiences to enhance his. He knows that the best approach in a relationship is a team approach.
He understands #AllMenCan and that #ItsOnUs. He’s not afraid to call out his bros when they’re not being Real Men. He’s not afraid to stand alone or stand up for a woman.
