How to be respected more by everyone

What you might not have realized about relationships, peer pressure, and the words you say

I was sitting at a round table in the cafeteria with a bunch of my best friends, eating dinner after a hard track workout.

The guys were talking about football. I was half-listening when one of them said,

“Yeah, sometimes I watch the game just for the cheerleaders…total eye candy.”

All of the guys snickered.

I looked up, a bit alarmed. I mean, I know guys talk about stuff like that, but there were several of us girls sitting right next to them.

And these weren't just some “jocks” from the baseball team, many of whom were known for their bad grades and frequent catcalls. These were some of my best friends— I ran with them every day, we ate dinner together every evening, and often hung out in the evenings and weekends for track meets. I respected them.

“Um, guys…” I mumbled. “you kind of just made all the girls sitting here feel like slabs of meat.”

More snickers.

I don’t remember what happened after that — if there was a long, uncomfortable pause — maybe I got up and went to get dessert. But I DO remember the topic coming up again. This time it was during a run, and one of the guys slipped it into the conversation, in a whiny, sarcastic voice: “you are making us feel like pieces of meat!” they keened, tossing the words over my head at one another, knowing that I would feel the weight of them as well.

I know my comment was probably a little too impulsive. It probably made them feel stupid, and to soothe their dignities, they blew it off and teased me instead.

Pieces of meat! Pieces of meat!

But it begs the question: why was I expected to take it?

Why, in fact, have I waited so long to write about this because I’m afraid of the deluge of comments saying, “you’re making a big deal out of nothing”?

Because none of them were willing to be the odd man out.

It was better to let it be the odd woman out — the bros stick together, ya know?

Let me get a few things clear here:

I went to school at a small, conservative Christian college. Those friends are some of the best people, and best men, anyone could find. Also, I’m not trying to say that what they said made my friends bad people. In many ways it was a very small statement and it didn't mean anything inherently awful.

All it did was communicate that the girls sitting at the table with them weren't worthy of enough respect and sensitivity to not talk about other women as if they amounted to their looks.

All it did was force a competition on us that was impossible to win.

Not unless we entirely stopped caring what any of them thought.

So here’s my question to you, dudes:

Is that what you want? For women to quit valuing your opinion? Many already have.

But that’s not what I want. And I don’t think it’s what you want, either.

Peer pressure and the “bro” mentality is a big deal to many guys. But what would happen if one guy — you— had the guts to say, “ok, enough.” when something demeaning or even just insensitive comes up among your peers?

If you do, you might become the brunt of the teasing, but you know what I think would happen after that?

I think the other guys would respect you more.

I think it would start to change the timbre of future conversations to be more sensitive to other human beings. I think it would start to form a “bro mentality” that made women feel respected and safe instead of awkward and even picked on. Instead of making us feel like we have to form our own tight, defensive circle against men — it would open us up to want to show you more respect instead.

And isn't that a win-win?