Okay, this title is a bit of a misnomer, this isn’t a guide written by a finance bro, it’s a guide written for the finance bro. It’s a guide written for the finance bro by a loud, educated, horny, outspoken 30-year-old feminist who has fucked a lot of finance bros.
I didn’t set out to bed a whole series of dudes who worked in finance when I moved back to New York City a year and a half ago, it just kind of, happened. “How many finance bros did you get naked with exactly?” you may be asking. Let’s just say, enough that when I finally sit down and write my memoir, there is going to be a chapter called Going for the Goldman, based on a few weeks of my life in 2016 where I somehow ended up hooking up with four guys that worked for Goldman Sachs in quick succession.
It should be clear by now that I’m a proudly promiscuous woman, which is why I’ve decided to (digitally) pen this piece about how finance bros can keep being finance bros, keep having casual sex, but be a lot better at it.
Because here’s the thing: most of the sex I’ve had with finance bros has been less than stellar.
And I think there are a few reasons for that.
So I’m setting out to do a solid for every promiscuous woman anywhere who has ever been tempted by the prospect of a night of NSA fun with a dude in a suit who works with quants, day trades, or provides competitive market analysis.
Here it is: in 7 easy steps:
The finance bro’s guide to great casual sex.
1. Remember that the person you are having sex with is a human being.
Okay, that seems pretty basic, but bear with me. Sometimes when we are really horny, caught up in our lizard brain of “sex, orgasm, release, feel gooood,” we get fixated on our own needs and desires and forget that there is another person in the room with their own set of needs and desires.
This doesn’t mean you need to have some deep heart to heart about childhood insecurities (though I’m not discounting that as a means of foreplay either), it just means you need to sometimes cool your jets and check in with the person you are getting naked with.
2. Stop thinking of her pleasure as your achievement.
I hear you finance bros who are all, “I’m all about making a girl cum, it’s all about her pleasure.” But I want you to take a moment and ask yourself if you’re really all about her pleasure, or your achievement of her pleasure. There’s a difference.
We all like making our partner feel good. However, if you are focused on her pleasure because of how good it makes you feel, you might need to reevaluate a bit whether you care about her pleasure or her performing her pleasure for you.
3. Be open to her genuine expressions of pleasure.
Her pleasure might not look and sound like what you expect it to look and sound like. Some women are loud and writhe and moan, and their experience of sexual pleasure is a lot like what we are taught women “should” be like from pornography. Other women might be quiet and still but are still having an amazing time and might be on the brink of a mind-blowing orgasm.
If you are wondering if she’s having a good time, ask! Don’t assume that because she isn’t exhibiting the sounds and motions you’ve come to associate with pleasure (either from porn or experiences with previous partners), she isn’t having a great time. We also experience our sexuality differently with different partners, sometimes I’m loud, sometimes I’m quiet, I’m a sexual chameleon, let me do my thing!
4. Be open to toys.
This extends far beyond toys, but just ‘cus I want to use my vibe on my clit while we fuck, doesn’t mean I’m not satisfied with your manhood. It just might be that I want that extra help to make me reach the next level of orgasmic delight. Sometimes the female orgasm can be tricky, mine seem to become elusive at the most inopportune times, so if there is a way that she knows helps her reach the mountaintop, be open to it!
The science of sex has evolved since Masters and Johnson, and certainly since Freud. Women who can’t get off on P in V alone aren’t frigid. They just might be wired differently. Read up on the dual control model of sexual desire (I highly recommend Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are). And let me introduce you to my favorite acronym from the sex-positivity dictionary: GGG.
This stands for Good, Giving, and Game. It’s a Dan Savage term, and encompasses being good in bed, giving of equal time and pleasure, and game for anything (within reason). It’s good to know your boundaries, but being open to what your partner might want to explore, even if it’s a one time thing, is a truly beautiful thing (even if that means being less kinky than you might ‘normally’ be).
And to return to toys, I gotta say, there is nothing sexier to me than a guy who keeps a clit vibrator at his place.
5. Don’t get too drunk or high.
I get it, liquid courage can be nice, and drugs can be fun, and all that work at that hedge fund is stressful and you want to unwind, ‘work hard play hard,’ right? Well, there’s such a thing as playing too hard and then not being able to play.
Whisky dick is real, but it’s nothing compared with cocaine dick. Not that sex has to be all about the D, but if you can’t get or keep it up because you are too intoxicated, it’s just gonna be awkward for everyone involved. Stick to buzzed, and keep the hard stuff for the boys’ nights.
6. Remember that sex is fun.
You’re both getting down in order to enjoy each other’s company, right? To feel good, connect, get off, relax… So why not relax!? There are awkward moments when you get naked with someone for the first time, let them be awkward. This also can help the woman you are getting naked with (who, let’s face it, is probably in a far more vulnerable position than yourself, at least physically) get comfy, too!
I always appreciate when there is room for a bit of silly in a new sexual encounter. It doesn’t have to be all “ooh, baby” all the time, leave room for the “oops! maybe…”
7. Don’t lie to get laid.
This is the most important one. And can be the hardest. It also may seem straightforward, but let me break this down. If you are looking for a one night stand, or a several night stand, or a fuck buddy, or whatever you want to call it, don’t tell the girl on Tinder or in the bar that you might be looking for a girlfriend, don’t even imply it. Do your best to find someone with the same intentions as you. And trust me, those women are out there. You just have to find us.
This is not to say that you can’t go into a situation with one intention and leave it with entirely another. We’ve all ‘caught the feels’ for someone we were seeing casually, or realized that we were only dating someone for the sex — we don’t always know our own minds, that’s part of the confounding and exciting experience of being a human. But please just do your best to be upfront with your intentions. Don’t lie, or trick someone into sleeping with you. Don’t say you’re relationship is open when it’s not, don’t neglect to mention your long distance girlfriend. Own the choices you’ve made and the priorities you hold, and don’t make another person complicit in any nonsense.
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Overall, these could all be summed up with one piece of advice, which you’ve probably heard before, and this goes for everyone — men, women, finance bros, horny feminists, monogamist christians, asexual midwesterners, everyone: open and honest communication with your partner always makes sex better. Honesty and vulnerability is tough, I know, but trust me, it just makes the sex better. And we all want better sex, right?