Mother’s Day for the Motherless
ie. How to avoid posting emo status updates and listening to the Cure for 24 hours
Mother’s day has always been a complicated holiday for me. When my mom was alive, it always fell on or around her birthday so there was pressure to make her present “super awesome.” Add to the fact that she used to say things she didn’t mean like, “Oh, I don’t care, get me anything” or “Save your money, I don’t want you to buy me things.” Then my mom had to really screw it all up and die of breast cancer two years ago...
So, how does one deal with Mother’s day when they have no mom? Well, I have some suggestions borne out of six years of Father’s days without my father and close to two without my mom. I am not a therapist, a guru or Oprah — I am simply a human with experience when it comes to dealing with a lot of loss in a short of amount of time. I’ve managed to survive, thrive, not drink or use (at all) and avoided eating about 500 pints of Jeni’s ice cream, so I consider myself somewhat successful at managing grief thus far.
The Basics
Mother’s day can be tough when you have a mom, it is fifty times the suckfest when you don’t. It is also tough for those who want to be moms but are having trouble getting pregnant. Life is one endless newsfeed of annoying baby pictures and nuclear families when you’re out of luck in the mom department.
I believe our ability to navigate our lives with a modicum of happiness amid trouble depends on how we respond to the cards dealt. I deal with the cards in my hand by reminding myself of facts. For instance, sucky things happen to every single person at one point or another — fact. Every single person you know will lose their mother or their father — unless they die before them — fact. Life is not fair — fact. Understanding that we will all go through hard times should give us both compassion for others as well as an understanding that our grief is not better than anyone else’s. Today may suck, but tomorrow may be joyously happy. It’s the circle of life, Pumbaa.
The History of Mother’s Day is Closer to You than You Think
In the United States, Mother’s day was founded by none other than a daughter who had just lost her mother. In 1905, Anna Jarvis of West Virginia lost her mother and began to rally for an official holiday in order to honor all mothers. “Anna’s mission was to honor her own mother by continuing work she had started and to set aside a day to honor mothers, ‘the person who has done more for you than anyone in the world.’”
President Woodrow Wilson would commemorate the day with an official decree in 1914. Jarvis was happy and yet became extremely upset at companies that later commercialized Mother’s day and turned it into a profit center. So, if you think Mother’s day is all about spending money on your mom because “you have to” — you’re doing it wrong.
The Metaphysics of Mothering
While my mom battled breast cancer, a plague that affects scores of mothers in this country, I turned to a variety of sources for insight. One observation on the emotional cause of breast cancer from noted self-help author Louise Hay has always haunted me. Hay states that problems in the breast area stem from “feeling unloved, refusal to nourish oneself. Putting everyone else first.”
Whether or not one agrees with the emotional causes of disease or not, we can agree that mothers often do put others above themselves. Mothers have a knack for taking care of just about everything… aside from themselves. It is this idea that has informed part of how I structure my new celebration of Mother’s day.
I am going to list a variety of options for how you can celebrate a joy-filled Motherless Mother’s day below. The only option I would strongly suggest you absolutely practice is the first one — as it’s the most important. The rest of the suggestions are up to you.
1. Mother Yourself
There is no greater tribute to your mom than to take care of yourself. If that means sleeping in, getting an overdue massage, taking a long walk, deciding to quit drinking once and for all or starting that fitness program — do it. Let this Sunday be the start of a new life for you, a life where you will choose to make your mother proud by mothering yourself.
Now what if you didn’t have a great relationship with your mom? Well, that should be even more incentive to provide yourself the care and nourishment you needed but didn’t get. Often in life we abandon ourselves when we feel others have abandoned us — oh, the irony. Life blooms when you begin to show up for you.
This task also goes for women suffering from infertility. Mother’s day is a dagger for those who wish to be mothers. As trite as it seems, we often find love when we finally learn to love ourselves — right? Why not extend the same care and nourishment we would give a child to ourselves as preparation for the mothers or role models we hope to become.
Task: Mother yourself. Do something nice for you. Favorite flowers? Buy them. Favorite park? Take a walk. Have a pet? Buy them something sweet and spend time being present with them. Get a massage, try baking a new recipe, paint a picture — even if you’re bad at painting. Whatever it is, do something to mother yourself that makes you happy (and is not a vice).
2. The Tribute Wall
When we moved into our new house, we had these built in shelves in the dining room that I didn’t know what to do with. I toyed with adding bright pops of color through mid century vases but it wasn’t working. While lurking Pinterest for design ideas, I came across shelves covered in white vases… it gave me an idea.
The color white signifies purity, innocence, wholeness and completeness. It is often used in spiritual ceremonies and memorials. I decided to go to thrift stores and upcycle white vases, pots and frames. I then framed portraits of family members who had passed away: my mother, my father and my boyfriend’s grandparents. Behind a portrait of my parents, I placed the white satin pillow used by their ring bearer. I then surrounded the frames with tiny green succulents. Plants and the color green symbolize new life and growth. I wanted to illustrate that while we honor and remember these family members who have passed, we are also growing and blooming in their honor.
This tribute wall idea was a simple, fun project and cost me less than $50. I found the process to be very cathartic. Best of all, every time I look at the shelves, I feel happy. I don’t have to look at pictures of my parents and feel sad, I see the beautiful greenery and feel at peace — another significant aspect of the color white.
3. WWMD
Knowing Mother’s day was approaching, my boyfriend turned to me a few weeks ago and said, “What if we spent Mother’s day weekend doing things your mother loved to do?” It was a very simple idea but one that resonated with me. She may not be around, but it doesn’t mean that we can’t spend the weekend honoring her with activities she loved. Ergo, WWMD — What Would Mom Do?
My mom was pretty simple as far as her interests. At the end of her life, she enjoyed taking long walks, going to church and well, Pinkberry. I could visit her grave site but it’s kind of useless to me because I don’t believe she’s in the grave. I believe my mom is in heaven, so rather than cry at her grave site — I can spend the day honoring her.
To be honest, in the five and a half years since my father died and almost two since my mom passed, I have never visited their grave site. Maybe I will soon, but to me, I would rather remember my parents through my life and actions than flowers placed on holidays. There’s nothing wrong if you feel the need to visit a gravesite, we all have our rituals — but it has not been something that speaks to me.
4. Ink and paper
I think the power of pen and paper has been lost in this day and age. At age seven, I began keeping a journal and have done so ever since. Whenever weeks go by and I lapse in writing, I feel a disconnect in my spirit. I can’t explain why it’s important — I just know that it is. So do a lot of great people I admire, like Julia Cameron who wrote The Artist’s Way. One of the key tenets of Cameron’s 12 week program to enhancing your creativity is to write three pages of anything you want every morning (ie. the morning pages). This task is the one that seems the easiest, but I would argue, is the most difficult to commit to.
One interesting aspect of nostalgia to me is how the memory becomes selective when not written down. Have you ever ended a bad relationship only to miss it later? You start to inch your way back and friends will quickly remind you of the laundry list of reasons why you left. Said simply, we need to remember to remember. Thoughts that take up real estate in our brain can often cloud our judgement and creativity because we don’t release them.
Writing is a great way to remember a loved one who has passed away by creating a complete picture. I once had a conversation with a business colleague who had also lost her parents about the bad… and good aspects of losing our parents. It seems like a taboo subject but have you ever thought of it? Every loss can hold within it certain blessings. Have you become stronger through loss? Have you become more self reliant or compassionate?
When remembering my mother, I strive to remember all of her: the good, the weird, the annoying and the beautiful. I write about my loss to remember the things I miss, the things I don’t and what I am learning. I find the process liberating. I’m sure if my mom did the same she would champion my creativity while also admitting that she does not miss cleaning up after a stubborn, messy daughter. ☺
If you wish to take this task, I suggest setting aside an hour or two in privacy. I have a guest room with a desk where I can write unencumbered. I light a candle, burn my favorite Indian rose incense and just let myself write. Create your own sacred space.
Some questions to help you write:
What were my mother’s great qualities? What were some things my mom did that totally bugged me? What made me laugh about my mom? What would my mom be proud of me for? How have I grown since my mom has passed away? What are some of my goals for the future?
If your issue is infertility, some ideas for writing are: How do I mother myself? What are wonderful qualities I posses? How can I better mother children or pets currently in my life? What is something I have created that I am proud of? What is something artistic that I want to create?
5. Serve
For every daughter without a mother there is a mother without a daughter. In nursing homes around this country or maybe even a home on your street, there is an elderly person that you can show love to. This also goes for children you may know who are not in ideal parenting situations.
Last year I lived next to a drug addicted mother with a toddler. This woman’s life was a hot mess to put it lightly. Child Protective Services and cops were frequently at her door. At first, I found her to be completely annoying, wanted nothing to do with her and had a massive resentment against her and the people she brought around.
Then something changed, I began to be nice to this girl because I realized no one else was. I learned that she had no parents and grew up in the foster system. She was, most likely, simply exhibiting learned behavior. I befriended her little son and tried to be a happy person in his life.
After she was evicted, I began to pray for her. I shudder to think what will become of her son or her. In my own way, through kindness I could offer her and her son the love a mother would — unconditional love. It is the same with my prayers — how many of our mothers spent nights praying for us when we were crazy teenagers?
Fin
Ultimately, despite the mass commercialization of Mother’s day — this holiday is not about buying fancy gifts for our mothers. Mother’s day was created by a heartbroken daughter as a tribute to a mother she had lost. It was created by a daughter who valued heart and inspired action over fancy greeting cards and days at the spa.
If you are motherless or are not able to be a mother this Mother’s day, know that you are in good company. In fact, you are in historical company. Choose to rebrand this holiday as a day of honoring your mother and your mothering side. This can be a day and weekend of rebirth instead of sadness — but only if you choose to make it so.
Make your own happy,
Tatiana
