How I Once Created A Monster

Forget Frankenstein, this one almost killed me with laughter

Liam Ireland
Feb 18 · 3 min read
Photograph by Amanda Sofia Pellenze on Unsplash

I well remember my eldest son amusing me many times over with his cheeky, childish ways of thinking, ways which at the same time, made me feel pretty damn dumb.

We were once watching a cartoon called ’The Little Orphan Kittens.’ My son asked me what the word ‘orphan’ meant. I simply explained it meant that the kittens didn’t have any parents.

“Well that can’t be true pops, if they didn’t have any parents, how did they get born huh?”

I had no answer to that smart ass reply.

And how about this for a bit of lateral thinking. One day he asked me what the word pregnant meant. I prudently told him that it was like when a dog had puppies.

“Well you know what pops, I’m gonna kill Billy Smith cause he’s such a liar. He said his mom is pregnant, and I know for a fact that they don’t even have a dog!”

Another time we were passing a big department store in the car and smart Alec son saw a sign on the side of the building which declared….

‘Arighi Bianchi, A great Store Since 1854‘

“Does that mean it was a shit store before 1854, pops?”

And I well remember how after telling him to stop acting like a child, he quite rightfully exclaimed….”But pops, I am a child!”

The best one was when after he started school he picked up the ‘F’ word. I told him off about that in no uncertain terms. Shortly afterwards I was horrorfied to overhear him telling his younger sister

“Ok listen up sis, you can’t use that f@ck’n word ‘ f@ck’ I told you about, cause pop says it’s a f@ck’n bad word.”

When I tried to chastise him he claimed he had a totally legitimate reason for using the word as he was merely teaching his sister not to use it. What could I say to that?

One day I got a call from the Catholic school he attended. At break time the nuns placed a long table in the canteen. As the kids entered the room the first thing they saw was a long table with big tray loaded with chocolate bars on it.

Knowing all too well how some kids would be too tempted to take more than one bar of chocolate, the nuns had written a sign that simply stated…..

‘Take only one bar of chocolate. Remember, God is watching!’

‘Take all the apples you want, God is too busy watching the bars of chocolate to notice.’

To EJO

Woodworkers of the World Unite!!!

Sharing wood, work, wit, wisdom, and wonder

Liam Ireland

Written by

Author, writer, Illumination Editor, Top Writer in short stories and poetry.

Woodworkers of the World Unite!!!

A place for duuudes of all sexes, ages, religions, and coffee-preferences to hang out and shoot the sh!t about their latest creations, to brag, lament, query, or quote, it’s all good…

Liam Ireland

Written by

Author, writer, Illumination Editor, Top Writer in short stories and poetry.

Woodworkers of the World Unite!!!

A place for duuudes of all sexes, ages, religions, and coffee-preferences to hang out and shoot the sh!t about their latest creations, to brag, lament, query, or quote, it’s all good…

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