Having anorexia has changed me and always will
I have been battling with this for over 2 years now and feel I’m losing the fight
It all started when I was young, at around 13 I got bullied for my weight. Other classmates would pick on me for being a large size, so I decided to change.
Over the years I tried multiple diets, even fasting but they never really worked for me, they just got me to a medium size, which I wasn’t happy with.
But about 2 years ago I started looking at food differently and started doing something I can’t let go of, Calorie counting.
I have recently lost a lot of weight, I am currently under 50kgs and a lot of people around me are saying I look too thin as you can see my bones now.
But I don’t know how to stop myself, if I eat more than my daily allowance of 1200 calories then I feel guilty, I feel so bad and it affects me for hours so that’s not an option.
I don’t know how to stay at the weight I am now without going any further as already the doctors are concerned.
Therapy
I did have therapy, with a guy called Jack. He was not the best at his job, he only wanted me to increase my food intake and when I said I just wanted a better relationship with food he was unsure how to best help me.
After about 10 sessions over 10 weeks, we decided that therapy wasn’t for me, ever since I have tried to eat a little more but always feel guilt immediately.
I do offer food advice on my webpage but that is to just eat a healthy amount without going into an eating disorder as I know how hard it is to keep a good relationship with food in this day and age.
Online I see a lot of TikTok’s about anorexia positivity, where it’s glorified to be too thin and there’s a competition on who can eat the least amount, when seeing this it causes stress and makes me feel like I’m overeating as these people only eat yogurts all day.
In the past few years, there has been a surge in eating disorders and this could be due to unrealistic photoshopped photos of people online.
My life’s changed
When you get an eating disorder you will always have it in your life, even when fully cured, you can still easily slip back into it, so it will always be a part of my life. This sucks to be honest knowing I’ll always have a struggle with food and that I’m always held back in what I can eat.
I hope this doesn’t affect anyone else because it can be the worst feeling to be guilty after eating a small biscuit or exercising enough that you can have a pizza.
Thank you for reading :)
