Imbalance: the secret to the happiest marriages
In a world that strives for equal partnership, imbalance still thrives.
After reading, observing, and surveying couples around me, I have come to a stark conclusion — the very imbalance the world is fighting against is exactly what creates the happiest marriages.
Before we dive into this line of thought further, let me acknowledge that the most unsatisfying relationships are also imbalanced. Often one person continues to do so much more than the other. The fulcrum always dips towards one side.
Though not always, in most cases women took it upon themselves to make the relationship work. They did the bulk of domestic duties, gave up personal dreams, gave in to their partners’ whims and fancies, and built their routines around their partner’s and family’s needs.
When the feminists began fighting for equality in all domains, marriage was at the top of their list. The goal of the feminist movement was to achieve a more just and equitable society for all individuals, which also included more balanced relationships.
The feminist movement has helped many people open up about what matters to them and assert their needs. But this new-age maxim of a 50-50 partnership works as long as both partners are motivated to do their part and feel that they are being treated fairly.
In marriages built on an equal partnership paradigm, partners can become fixed on constantly calculating their share of contribution against each other, which is a sure-shot recipe for brewing grudges.
This brings me to my point. The common characteristic of the happiest relationships and the most unhappy ones is — imbalance
In the happiest and most satisfying relationships, rarely do 2 people contribute equally. At any given time, one is contributing way more than the other:
- Gestures: Expressing love in ways that leave the partner feeling grateful and sometimes, speechless.
- Care: Going out of the way to make their partner feel comfortable.
- Understanding: Listening to not just the words but also the feelings. Developing a deep understanding of difficult situations and allowing space to process what is transpiring.
- Accountability: Taking full accountability for the relationship without any expectations. Doing whatever it takes to make it work.
- Haq (claiming as one’s own): When something needs to be asked or said, it is said with a sense of complete belonging. Needs are expressed in all honesty.
But the difference from unhappy marriages is that the fulcrum shifts often. Both partners are very aware of the contributions being made by the other. One’s feelings and actions are soon reciprocated, inspiring them to continue loving and contributing towards each other’s wellbeing.
It is unrealistic to expect both partners to be their 100% all the time. Where one lacks, the other compensates. They keep unrealistic expectations in check and do not allow outside circumstances to influence the course of their relationship.
Relationships can feel monotonous sometimes, even the happiest ones.
Relationships are messy, even the happiest ones.
It is how couples deal with the mundane and messy bits that makes all the difference!
