Mental Health | Decoding Human Interactions
Improve Your Chances of Getting What You Want
…from another person
(This article is the 3rd of 3 articles where I share skills for interpersonal effectiveness that are adapted from Dialectical Behavioural Therapy. Read the 1st article on preserving your self-respect here and the 2nd article on maintaining relationships here.)
Do you often get frustrated with other people when they don’t seem to understand your problem? Or when they fail to offer you a satisfactory solution?
Perhaps you have a part to play in creating those frustrating situations?
If all these ring familiar, try practising the DEAR MAN skills.
These skills will aid you in achieving an outcome you want but which also requires cooperation from another person.
DEAR MAN is the acronym for the 7 skills involved: Describe, Express, Assert, Reinforce, Mindful, Appear Confident, and Negotiate.
- Describe your problem
You have to first describe the situation or problem.
Be factual. Keep it simple.
The 5 “W”s and “H” — who, what, when, where, why and how — that you learnt in school would be helpful here.
2. Express your views and feelings
Next, tell the other person how you feel about the problem you’d just described to them.
Express your views and feelings. Use phrases such as:
I want…
I don’t want…
I find this…
Avoid using “YOU…” It’s accusatory and puts the other person on the defensive, which may make them less motivated to sort out your problem.
Remember that you need this person’s assistance.
3. Assert your solution
Ask for the solution that is satisfactory to you or expressly decline what you don’t want as a solution.
Remember that unless you and the other person are both telepathic, that person cannot read your mind.
It’s okay to state the obvious.
4. Reinforce the person helping you
Help yourself out here — give the other person some motivation to help you.
Reinforce them by letting them know how their help will bring you more ease or improve your situation. People do like to feel useful.
If they do help you out, thank them. That’s reinforcement too.
5. Mindfulness of your goal
Be mindful to stay on track with your goal.
Disregard the other person’s attempts to diminish your views or distract you if they go down that route. Don’t get riled up either.
Repeat your request for your preferred solution (point no. 3), if necessary.
6. Appear Confident
Appear confident when engaging the other person.
If possible, make good eye contact, stand straight, and speak firmly with a confident tone. Smile.
Get feedback from someone you trust if you aren’t sure whether your body language comes across as confident.
7. Negotiate when necessary
If it becomes clear that the other person can’t give you what you want, be flexible enough to look for other solutions.
Or ask the other person what alternative solutions they could offer.
The DEAR MAN skills don’t guarantee that you will always get what you want but they will likely improve your chances.
Thanks for reading, and may you be well.
