Being Angry and Waging War On God
AUTHOR’S NOTE: If you haven’t read my previous blog entry titled “Maybe You’re a Good Person,” please do so before going any further.
I said that I think I’m done arguing about religion and here I am a few days later feeling the same way. I think that’s a good thing.
I’ve touched on my anger issues here before. I don’t scream at people or punch holes in walls but I have some pretty intense anger going on deep down inside of me. It’s that “sad mad” that I heard a character in the movie “Home” mention. A good 31 years of it. I can admit that.
Well meaning people have told me on a recent Facebook post linking to a recent blog entry that I need to figure out who it is that I’m mad at and forgive them so that I can move forward. Hell, paraphrasing is for losers. Let’s use their own words:
“Dude, I could not care less is you believe in God or not, but you are obviously so angry at someone! You won’t ever figure out anything until you forgive whoever it is you need to forgive to satisfy your anger. Your writing drips with it man. If you know who it is then go get it made right, and if you don’t know who it is try to figure it out. Like I said, God, no God, whatever, but you got serious issues with somebody.”
Admittedly, I’ve been thinking about this a lot over the past couple of days because it’s never wise to just say things before you think about them. I don’t disagree with this in a sense. Moving forward in a positive way is going to require me forgiving.
What I’m thinking though is that a lot of people who are hurt by and frustrated with where their faith journey has taken them become angry in a very natural, organic way. You can check out any group of agnostics or recently-converted atheists or Progressive Christians and you will quickly find that their stories are laced with hurt and shame and disappointment. These feelings are some of the main things fueling each of these people’s journeys. No one likes to admit it but these feelings aren’t always a result of said person’s choices along the way. Most of these feelings are a result of other people and the actions of these other people over the years. Unfortunately for my well meaning friend’s argument above (which on its head makes a lot of sense), these hurting people (like myself) aren’t really focusing all of their anger on any one person in particular but rather in a million different directions. It’s not one big wound that can be easily taken care of and healed. It’s more like a thousand small cuts over the course of a person’s life. A thousand small cuts that the wounded person may not even realize are there until there are a thousand of them and they are suddenly in such intense pain that the only thing that they can do now is hide in the weeds and lick their wounds.
Many people are actually angry (and rightly so) at the entire belief system (whatever it may be) that they feel they’ve been duped into believing for so many years. Literal years wasted chasing something that makes no sense to them. Buried underneath the tons of cognitive dissonance that they’ve dealt with over the years. For instance, my battle has been trying like hell to make hell and all of its friends make sense. Trying to figure out how a god who is love personified is somehow worse at loving people than I am.
“I love you so much that I created a system whereby you will spend eternity in flames because you didn’t love me enough during your few pathetic years on earth. Also, you are damaged and you can’t love me unless I love me for you. Also, I love you so very much.” — God
I digress.
The person that these people are the most angry at is actually themselves because they have become something that they suddenly and intensely hate and it takes a lot of strength and resolve and time to become something else.
So yeah, anger is a clear and present reality but it’s not as simple as just forgiving someone and getting over it.
That being said, another person who chimed in to agree with the sentiments that I need to figure out who I’m angry with so that I can get over my anger and move forward also posted this on the same Facebook post:
“You are as lost right now as you have ever been. You’re being deceived and blinded by your own ‘intelligence.’ …You need to figure out who has hurt you cause it wasn’t God…. He died for you. And if you don’t believe that then you are truly lost and blind and the truth is not in you. And beware of the things you are spewing and the people you are dragging down with you. Their blood is on your hands and you will answer for that. There are people in this world that do look up to you and they are taking this in and your blatant disregard for God’s word is nothing short of blasphemy. I still love you, bro. But…””
Those are some big words.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: I must point out that I have always appreciated and been comforted by such a loving valediction after such a string of alternately big words. I feel it is my obligation to point out the brutal irony.
Sure, I do need to move forward and I do need to forgive myself and others and I do need to somehow reconcile myself with my faith or walk away from it altogether. I know that. What I’m trying to point out is that a lack of self-awareness by well meaning “followers of Jesus” can be very counter-productive. Instead of focusing on working through my many issues, I’m now frustrated and I’m now angrier than I was a few minutes ago. It’s not helpful at all. None of these big words are helpful at all but “followers of Christ” rarely have as much fun as they get to have when they get to tell someone “the truth in love.” I get that and I’ve admittedly been on both ends of this conversation so I do what I can to just overlook these things and move forward (it’s not easy and I did not succeed as I hoped that I would).
While mulling over what I had just read, a friend stopped by the same Facebook post to encourage me and to tell me that they too have been thinking the same kind of thoughts that I have been thinking. Suddenly, more big words appear from the articulate purveyor of the aforementioned big words above:
“Jason is completely and seemingly wholeheartedly waging war on the God that sent His son, Jesus to die for him. And he is validating your thoughts instead of helping you towards a God that longs to have a relationship with you. Not knocking on ya…. God loves you and so do I.”
Well, damn.
AUTHOR’S NOTE: Let’s not ignore another loving farewell.
The tragedy that is my story is now being told in the 3rd person. I have now gone from being angry and blasphemous with innocent blood on my hands to “completely and seemingly wholeheartedly waging war” on God.
At this point, I’m not really mad anymore. My feelings are a little bruised but I admittedly wear them on my sleeves so I can’t complain too much about that. I do know this person and I mostly respect this person but not enough to take big words like this too personally. I mean, yeah, it bothered me and I don’t doubt that he’s very serious about what he’s saying but he’s also, at the same time, perfectly legitimizing this entire struggle that I’m going through.
He’s also doing this out in public on the internet where words don’t die so I am obliged to further the discourse in similar fashion (in order to ultimately draw it to a close, which I will have done at the conclusion of this post).
AUTHOR’S NOTE: I must lugubriously admit that this friend will no longer be commenting on my Facebook posts. #byeFelecia #sorrynotsorry
You see, I should know better. I do know better. I grew up in Southern Baptist church after Southern Baptist church and I have been a minister of sorts for many years. Members of my family have been ministers of sorts for even more years than I have. I should be better than this. The things that I’m saying. The things that I’m writing. They aren’t good things. They aren’t “edifying to the Body.” They are dangerous things. I get that. To a person who has completely bought into the many tenets of FEC (fundamental, evangelical Christianity), I am right up there with the devil himself on any list of dangerous people.
For instance, check this out:
- Do I believe that the Bible is the inerrant word of God? No. There are historical falsehoods in the Bible.
- Do I believe that the Bible is the infallible word of God? No. It talks out of both sides of its mouth throughout.
- Do I believe that the Bible is divinely inspired? It’s a possibility but I’m leaning towards not so much.
If you live in FEC-land, this short manifesto is bad news. Bad news for you and especially bad news for me. I seem to be on my way into eternal torment and I understand an FEC being concerned for my eternal well being.
It gets worse though.
You could probably say that I have “tasted and seen” the goodness of God and you might could even say that I have “walked with God.” Most would agree that I have been spiritually “enlightened” by God along the way. All of this while I am currently “completely and seemingly wholeheartedly waging war” on God.
Praise Jesus, though. Can I help you feel a little bit better? Will you at least let me try? Awesome. Read this:
For it is impossible to bring back to repentance those who were once enlightened — those who have experienced the good things of heaven and shared in the Holy Spirit, who have tasted the goodness of the word of God and the power of the age to come — and who then turn away from God. It is impossible to bring such people back to repentance; by rejecting the Son of God, they themselves are nailing him to the cross once again and holding him up to public shame. — Hebrews 6:4–6 (NLT)
Oh. That’s not so good after all. Damn.
Don’t fret though. I present to you a silver lining:
If you really believe that the Bible is the divinely-inspired, inerrant, infallible word of God, you are hereby free to let me go, right? Your concern for my soul, while noble and kind, will ultimately be futile. That’s what the Bible says and we all know how important the Bible is. After all, Jesus himself was always defending the scriptures against those who would try to take what the Bible has always said and teach people new and exciting ways to interpret it. Based on the scripture above, I’m done. I’m toast in the devil’s toaster. Abandon all hope, ye who enter the place in which I have entered. “Impossible,” man. That’s another one of those big words, isn’t it?
But wait, there’s more:
[Jesus] replied, “What is impossible for people is possible with God.” — Luke 1:37 (NLT)
Hey-howdy-hey! That’s me! I’m on a yo-yo!
Who has a chance? This guy.
The Bible, everybody. Talking out of both sides of its mouth for centuries (I could list more instances like this one but I have a life to live and so do you).
I digress.
So I’m obviously out here in “who knows what the hell is going on”-land trying to find my way. I am honestly sincere and I am as transparent as the air between you and your screen right now. I always have been (mostly to my detriment). I’m not hiding nor am I particularly ashamed of where I find myself. I don’t feel like I’m angry and I don’t even really feel conflicted. I am doing everything that I can do to diligently and peacefully find my way through this wilderness.
So when I share my thoughts and feelings and catch the aforementioned onslaught of big words from a well meaning yet unhelpful person who decided that using those big words to tell me “the truth in love” would somehow be helpful (because that’s how things work in FEC-land — I don’t mean to sound unappreciative. It’s just that I’m entirely unappreciative), things get a bit blurred.
I begin to feel that anger burning down deep inside of me as it works its way to the surface all over again while I inadvertently reconsider and relive every negative emotion that I’ve collected all of my life and especially over the past decade or so. All of the hurt. All of the shame. All of the disappointment. All of it. Burning. I’m taking things very personally now which is something that I hate to do as it brings out attributes in me that I hate.
I am not unique in this regard. People like me are a dime a dozen. Religion has ruined at least tenfold as many lives as it has helped since it was first created. There are people who are so afraid of burning alive in a literal hell for a literal eternity that they have no problem completely buying in to whatever nonsensical thing that the Bible has to say (and is has plenty of nonsensical things to say) on any given day. Then there are people like myself who have become the living, breathing embodiment of cognitive dissonance over the years and are quickly labeled a “backslider,” or worse, a heretic or a blasphemer or whatever the hell else people are calling me these days.
I am that person. I am nothing more and I am nothing less. I don’t have anything figured out and the more I hear from people who think they do, the more I’m reminded that I don’t.
So yeah, I’m sure that this is just another post that is “dripping” with anger. However, to be fair, taking all of my words and telling me that I’m just angry and that I need to figure out why and get over it is nothing but a quick and easy way to delegitimize my struggle and discount me as a person. I doubt anyone meant to do that but it’s a natural phenomenon. In other news, I’m not an idiot.
That being said, I’m not going to set up camp and rest in this discouragement any longer. I have recently learned the wisdom in deleting a person from my life and moving on. I don’t have room for everybody. Especially people who use such big words.
I’m so thankful for those of you who love me. Those of you who don’t even know me yet show me love on a daily basis. I’m especially thankful for those of you who do know me well and still resolve to show me love on a daily basis.
I’m just thankful for many things right now and I’m not particularly angry at anything at the moment.
Even so, here’s to being a little bit less angry and waging a little bit more war on this “God” of my youth.
In conclusion (and I mean this completely and seemingly wholeheartedly):
Until next time…
FEATURE IMAGE c/o Daniel Go @ FLICKR
