10 Cool and Good New Statues
Because we need to replace a whole bunch.
You know who’s thrilled that Confederate statues are being torn down?
Well, yes, good and decent humans are thrilled. You are correct.
But also…SCULPTORS!
There has never been a better time to be a professional statue erector. But if there’s one thing I know about sculptors, it’s that they hate improv. They ain’t Michelangelo, my friend. You gotta tell them what they’re sculpting ahead of time.
I have been tasked by the government of the United States of America to brainstorm replacement statue ideas. The government’s only stipulation: Just like the Confederate statues, the new memorials must make absolutely no sense and cause unspeakable pain to the people viewing them.
This exciting government task is still open, so if you have any ideas for Cool and Good New Statues, please leave them in the comments and I will take credit for your hard work.
Let’s start the party.
1. Scott Norwood
Location: Buffalo, New York
Caption: WIDE RIGHT (note: the type must be right-aligned)
2. Luke Skywalker
Location: The New Death Star
Caption: OH COME ON HE DIDN’T EVEN HAVE HIS EYES OPEN
3. Your Cat
Location: Your Couch’s Armrest
Caption: OW. STOP. WHY ARE YOU LIKE THIS.
4. Michael Jordan
Location: New York, New York and Portland, Oregon and Cleveland, Ohio and Phoenix, Arizona and Moron Mountain Amusement Park
Caption: a looping gif of Kurt Russell screaming “NOOOOOOO” in Tombstone
5. Joffrey
Location: Winterfell
Caption: SANSA. WE SHALL BE TOGETHER AGAIN SOON.
6. Sheryl Crow
Location: Tuna Ketchup’s House
Caption: DUDE.
7. The Empire Carpet Guy
Location: Your Brain
Caption: FIVE EIGHT EIGHT. TWO THREE HUNDRED…
8. Kevin Durant
Location: Seattle, Washington
Caption: SORRY
9. Kevin Durant
Location: Oklahoma City, Oklahoma
Caption: SORRY
10. Taylor Swift
Location: David Mueller’s Backyard
Caption: $1
Shoutout to jdot and Kevin Vlasek for contributing to this list.
