10 Simple Steps To Neglecting A Gym Membership
1. Ow, my ankle.
Seriously, it kind of hurts. When did that happen? Watch what happens when I try rotating it. Ooooo yeah, right there. That is at LEAST a 3 on the pain scale. I don’t want to be a hero and wind up injuring myself more seriously. Best to take a few days off.
2. Ugh I look simply dreadful in my favorite workout top today.
No, it’s not a shirt. It’s a top. Look. LOOK AT IT. I’m such a cow.
3. My go-to playlists are more tired than I am.
Seriously, can ANYONE suggest some new music? Anyone. Literally any music. No wait, not that. That’s trash. No offense!
4. I was planning on waking up early to work out, but I went to sleep at 2 a.m.
5. Look, I don’t want to see saggy old man balls for a bit. Is that okay with you?
Is it? Because wow, the men’s locker room has more visible balls than the gym’s renowned indoor tennis courts. By the way, when does that switch flip, huh? When do I wake up and go, “Welp, guess I’m ready to boiyoiyoiyoiyoing all them whippersnappers today.” Is it before or after I finally enjoy drinking scotch?
6. This Beyoncé concert is not going to watch itself.
No, I know it technically could watch itself. Yes, I have a basic idea of how streaming works. No, but — GOOD HEAVENS CAN YOU NOT? It’s an expression. I really just want to watch it again instead of subjecting myself to the elliptical for a half hour.
7. I do not want to watch the Beyoncé concert on the elliptical.
Great suggestion and also I hate it.
8. My AirPods broke.
omg get those AWAY from me. I am NOT using wired earbuds like a pleb.
9. I’ll just do a little yoga at home.
It’s basically the same as an hour of cardio. I’m totally going to do yoga! I swear! Look, I’ll even unroll the mat and leave it in the middle of the living room for the entire day.