8 simple things I do before 8 a.m. every day

Want this life? Here’s your roadmap.

Pic by Tim Bogdanov

Hello. I am an adult. I have a lovely wife, a super fun son, an actual job, housing and education loans to pay back, and some pretty durn sick Rocket League skills. I’ve decided I should stop hoarding the reasons I’ve gotten to this point. If you want to be happy, it’s paramount that you consistently crush your morning routine. It sets the tone for the rest of your day, and I cannot emphasize its importance enough.

This is what I do. I invite you to do it, too.

1. Do not break your phone to silence the alarm.
   This took me years to achieve, but it’s so worth it. Phones are quite expensive, and breaking them in an effort to gain the upper hand is a shortsighted move. Pro tip: you can actually turn off your alarm with a thumb tap or two. I know! Crazy, right?
2. Scratch self while checking notifications.
   Everything still there? Outstanding. Another victorious night. Now check those Medium notifications. Did that amazing thing you wrote take off while you slept? No? Balls.
3. Upon rising from slumber, make death noises.
   I’m 32 years old. I never stretch and I’m pretty sure I go to church more than I work out. Thus, when I lift my 200-pound frame from the mattress, I emit involuntary sounds so terrifying, my wife dials 9 and 1 on her phone just to be safe.
4. Meditate. Specifically, imagine yourself crushing that workout.
   20% as effective as actually working out. Huge time saver.
5. Shower for a wasteful amount of time. With HOT water.
   Cold showers are for cavemen and entrepreneurs.
6. Consume sugar.
   When I was a kid, my parents banned sugary cereals on most days and allowed them on vacations. It was an excellent and healthy policy that in no way contributes to the fact that my pantry now looks like an orgy of 90s breakfast commercials.
7. Coffee. Now.
   The people you love are currently scared of you. Not an ideal situation. Rectify with caffeine.
8. Watch YouTube and miss your train.
   Honey? C’mere, you gotta see this. A corgi is dressed like a lawyer! LOL. Corgis can’t be lawyers—they actually have souls! HAHA. LAW JOKES. Up top. Come on. Don’t leave me hanging. What’d you say? Oh, it’s 0kay. I’ll catch the next one.

Thank you for reading. Please don’t copy my morning routine, you nutjob.