8 Things I Thought My Office Phone Was Before I Found Out What It Actually Does

I am not a smart man.

1. A land mine

My boss kept pointing to my phone and calling it a land mine. I later found out he was saying landline and that it’s a widely known word. Who knew?

2. A noose

Creative professionals often get client feedback that makes them sad. I figured that if I got feedback that made me lose my will to live, I had a way out.

3. My name plate

It’s spelled right and everything!

4. A shockingly passive aggressive (and accurate) reminder about my weight

Look, I’m 76 inches tall, okay? No, it is not mostly muscle. Yes, I could probably stand to do some weight training. Yes, of COURSE I want to be around for my kids! Hey! SHUT UP, PHONE. Stop making me want to better myself.

5. A shockingly inaccurate update on the number of missed calls I have

To be fair to my land mine, I would read “2 missed calls” and immediately check my iPhone. And my iPhone, of course, has at least 40 missed calls at all times because answering the phone is scary and I hate it.

6. A (not terribly frightening) weapon to wield in case of a break-in

The rectangular shape is a bit cumbersome, but I suppose I could theoretically hurl it at an attacker if I needed to. Plus, that handle thingy seems like it might make robbers stop and say, “Hey man, ow. That hurt a little bit.” if I were to hit them with it.

7. A thoroughly mysterious and unpredictable alarm clock.

GAHHHHH WHY ARE YOU YELLING AGAIN? I DON’T KNOW WHAT I’M LATE FOR! CAN YOU PLEASE JUST TELL ME?

8. An ever so subtle reminder from my boss that I’m the worst because I’m a millennial.

Every day, I would stare at this stupid rectangle and have no clue what its purpose was. Did I want to figure it out? With all of my heart. Did I want to do a little research to figure it out myself? LOL. Don’t be stupid. I want to be spoon-fed. I want to be an expert in everything without having to do any work. Is that too much to ask?

Call to action:

Anyway, I now know I have an office phone! Please feel free to call me at (630) 588–8320, extension 205.

I probably won’t answer.